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General Relationship with Dad.

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Marvel545

MyPTSD Pro
Up until now, I've posted solely on the sufferer side of the forum, as I suffer with PTSD.

My Dad has had trauma in his life for a pretty long time, so have I. We've been through a lot of trauma together.

We witnessed my Moms death when I was 11 & he subsequently got into abusive relationships, one which was particularly bad. I went to bed many times as a teen fearing for my own life.

My Mom was ill all of my life, she had many major operations & nearly died several times.

His T diagnosed him with PTSD about 5 years ago. He doesn't see a T now & hasn't for some time. I don't think he believes he suffers with PTSD. He believes a hernia operation he had has poisoned his body.

After my Moms death, we became more like 'friends' & he has come to me for advice on his relationships, dating & pretty much all areas of life after my Mom died. He is in a bad relationship now & wants to talk about it. The problem is it really triggers me & renders me pretty useless to do anything.

I want him to get better, but I don't think I'm the appropriate person to lean on for advice. I certainly wasn't as a child. He refuses to go back to T & stays in a relationship that is toxic & has bordered on abusive at times.

Does anyone have any advice on coping with this from a supporters perspective?
 
As a person that also acts as both sufferer and supporter, I'm going to tell you that for your own continued health, you really need strong boundaries. It's so hard to initiate them, but they really are good for both sides. The first thing you have to keep in mind is that you cannot control anything he does, only support to the level you feel comfortable with.

I play supporter role for my father, sister, daughter, and long term relationship. I was diagnosed myself basically 20 years ago.

I recently had to reset boundaries with multiple people in my life, because I was slipping back into a really codependent situation with everyone. The one that sticks out to me that I had to set with my daughter that might help here is that I told her that until she was willing to put her mental/emotional health first, I wasn't going to . I told her that I can't talk about her "drama" unless she's willing to make a plan towards her well being and put it into action.

I told her that in the meantime, I will always love her and support her the best I can, but I wasn't willing to give up my mental health for hers. I told her that she had to be responsible for her consequences, not me. So far, she's still deciding to do some unhealthy things, but I can't control that. We're doing things together and I'm trying to support her by building her up to know she deserves better than her toxic relationship with her boyfriend. Until she can realize that, anything I say or do just gets turned against me and throws my anxiety through the roof.

It's been weird to know that I don't know everything that's going on, but there's a certain peace to it too. There are times it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I remind myself this is what I need and I can't always sacrifice myself and my peace.

So all I can say is, try to lead him into getting help by seeing a therapist, or joining a support group, or other healthy outlets. Set boundaries for yourself. Be honest to him in a gentle way, that you are not trained to be a therapist, and you're not comfortable being his sole means of support.

I wish you the very best of luck. This stuff is HARD!
 
Thank you for the response @NaeNae75 , it’s given me a lot to think about.

You’re completely right, I am not the right person to be helping him, he needs help.

I think it will be a bit tough not knowing what’s going on, I’m so used to being heavily involved.

You’re right, it is hard!
 
Oh, I hear you completely! It's hard as heck to not know everything that's going on. It has been a MAJOR adjustment for me. There are days that I struggle with it all. But I try to focus that energy on working on my own stuff. Plus once you set the boundary, you have to follow through consistently, or it could end up worse, not better.

I wish you the best of luck! It'll be worth it in the end.
 
So all I can say is, try to lead him into getting help by seeing a therapist, or joining a support group, or other healthy outlets.

This is really important for him. He chose to go to a 12 year old for advice, he clearly needs help. Help which I can't give him.

Plus once you set the boundary, you have to follow through consistently, or it could end up worse, not better.

I agree with this, I have set the boundary, but he still gives me the cliff notes version, which triggers me a bit. The other day I had the full version, which triggers me a lot.

The difference this time is I'm willing to walk away. I cannot sacrifice my own mental health any longer.

I'm going to have a discussion with him when he gets back from his holiday on Monday. I need to be proactive so I don't get triggered & freeze.

I will approach it with softly & try to get him to see the benefits of going elsewhere for help.
 
This is really important for him. He chose to go to a 12 year old for advice, he clearly needs help. Help which I can't give him.



I agree with this, I have set the boundary, but he still gives me the cliff notes version, which triggers me a bit. The other day I had the full version, which triggers me a lot.

The difference this time is I'm willing to walk away. I cannot sacrifice my own mental health any longer.

I'm going to have a discussion with him when he gets back from his holiday on Monday. I need to be proactive so I don't get triggered & freeze.

I will approach it with softly & try to get him to see the benefits of going elsewhere for help.

Good for you! Good luck with it all!
 
Up until now, I've posted solely on the sufferer side of the forum, as I suffer with PTSD.

My Dad has had trauma in his life for a pretty long time, so have I. We've been through a lot of trauma together.

We witnessed my Moms death when I was 11 & he subsequently got into abusive relationships, one which was particularly bad. I went to bed many times as a teen fearing for my own life.

My Mom was ill all of my life, she had many major operations & nearly died several times.

His T diagnosed him with PTSD about 5 years ago. He doesn't see a T now & hasn't for some time. I don't think he believes he suffers with PTSD. He believes a hernia operation he had has poisoned his body.

After my Moms death, we became more like 'friends' & he has come to me for advice on his relationships, dating & pretty much all areas of life after my Mom died. He is in a bad relationship now & wants to talk about it. The problem is it really triggers me & renders me pretty useless to do anything.

I want him to get better, but I don't think I'm the appropriate person to lean on for advice. I certainly wasn't as a child. He refuses to go back to T & stays in a relationship that is toxic & has bordered on abusive at times.

Does anyone have any advice on coping with this from a supporters perspective?
maybe you can help him by going to family therapy together.
 
After considering everything & gearing up to have the talk today, I have decided that this talk needs having, but I'm going to shelve it for now. I'm going to avoid it & build myself up to a point where I'm a bit more comfortable. I've made myself ill the past few days thinking about this.

I'm at the start of rebuilding my life & that's stressful. It's good stress, but stressful nonetheless. I think I need to be a bit further down the line with that.
 
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