Male, 46, in a long-term relationship with a woman, for info I've posted on this forum a few times, found it very helpful and hopefully I have helped others.
Am a survivor of developmental or complex trauma caused by childhood neglect and emotional abuse, very much recovered and suffering far less than I used to, now leading a relatively stable and content life in many ways. At the same time I think that perhaps inevitably, no matter the recovery, the past will still effect the present.
One aspect of this is my relationship with a woman who also had a traumatic upbringing. One of the things that makes us compatible is that we are 'child-free by choice', because we associate childhood with suffering and care very much about the happiness of children; we don't want to go there, and we have experienced the joy of life together in other ways instead.
Culturally, we live in a part of the world where women tend to expect to be provided for by men far more than they do in the English-speaking world, she is from that culture whereas I am from the UK. I am also in a far better financial position than she is. My partner has been bulimic for most of her life although very much recovered. Since 2.5 years ago she has diagnosed Hashimoto's disease and chronic inflammation, with its standard symptoms of depression, mood swings and irritability even after medication.
From my point of view she also seems to have symptoms of vulnerable narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder. Her rages, paranoid accusations, lack of accountability and frequent complaints and blaming me for her situation have pushed me to the limit. In spite of all this, she can still be loving, caring and delightful. She can be an angel, and has been many times. We have genuinely beautiful shared memories across many years of sharing life together.
Since losing a high-powered job during Covid, she has now been unemployed for over two years and has lived with me rent-free for 18 months while using savings to pay for her own food, medical treatment and self-improvement initiatives, and says she is still too sick to take on paid employment. She had a long course of expensive CBT which doesn't seem to have helped, and she can't afford to continue or try other therapies. I have been encouraging her to find work and recently asked her to contribute to the bills, but she exploded with rage, saying that she can't afford it and I should be caring for her. I have asked myself whether I am in a co-dependent or enabler role, whether I am 'trauma bonded' or whether I am being stingy or uncaring.
Childhood Trauma survivors are said to have trouble setting boundaries and standing up for themselves. And yet I am trying to navigate a loved-one who I believe may have BPD. I've just read the advice: "Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don't point out how you feel that they're wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they're saying is totally irrational." Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - HelpGuide.org
For me as a trauma survivor who has tried hard to learn how to stand up for himself, this looks a lot like advice to set weak boundaries, rolling over and inviting ever more verbal abuse. Even when what they're saying is totally irrational, I am supposed to validate it?
Any thoughts very welcome.
Am a survivor of developmental or complex trauma caused by childhood neglect and emotional abuse, very much recovered and suffering far less than I used to, now leading a relatively stable and content life in many ways. At the same time I think that perhaps inevitably, no matter the recovery, the past will still effect the present.
One aspect of this is my relationship with a woman who also had a traumatic upbringing. One of the things that makes us compatible is that we are 'child-free by choice', because we associate childhood with suffering and care very much about the happiness of children; we don't want to go there, and we have experienced the joy of life together in other ways instead.
Culturally, we live in a part of the world where women tend to expect to be provided for by men far more than they do in the English-speaking world, she is from that culture whereas I am from the UK. I am also in a far better financial position than she is. My partner has been bulimic for most of her life although very much recovered. Since 2.5 years ago she has diagnosed Hashimoto's disease and chronic inflammation, with its standard symptoms of depression, mood swings and irritability even after medication.
From my point of view she also seems to have symptoms of vulnerable narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder. Her rages, paranoid accusations, lack of accountability and frequent complaints and blaming me for her situation have pushed me to the limit. In spite of all this, she can still be loving, caring and delightful. She can be an angel, and has been many times. We have genuinely beautiful shared memories across many years of sharing life together.
Since losing a high-powered job during Covid, she has now been unemployed for over two years and has lived with me rent-free for 18 months while using savings to pay for her own food, medical treatment and self-improvement initiatives, and says she is still too sick to take on paid employment. She had a long course of expensive CBT which doesn't seem to have helped, and she can't afford to continue or try other therapies. I have been encouraging her to find work and recently asked her to contribute to the bills, but she exploded with rage, saying that she can't afford it and I should be caring for her. I have asked myself whether I am in a co-dependent or enabler role, whether I am 'trauma bonded' or whether I am being stingy or uncaring.
Childhood Trauma survivors are said to have trouble setting boundaries and standing up for themselves. And yet I am trying to navigate a loved-one who I believe may have BPD. I've just read the advice: "Try to make the person with BPD feel heard. Don't point out how you feel that they're wrong, try to win the argument, or invalidate their feelings, even when what they're saying is totally irrational." Helping Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - HelpGuide.org
For me as a trauma survivor who has tried hard to learn how to stand up for himself, this looks a lot like advice to set weak boundaries, rolling over and inviting ever more verbal abuse. Even when what they're saying is totally irrational, I am supposed to validate it?
Any thoughts very welcome.