Relationships With Men

[2Peanut]

I've always been embarrased to admit this, but I am 31 years old, female, and I have never been involved in a serious relationship. The longest "relationship" I've been in was six weeks and that was 8 years ago during my last year in college. I've always felt like a loser because I am incapable of carrying on a significant relationship. I feel so much loneliness because of this and I would very much love a relationship with someone but I wonder if my past abuse and the length of my abuse is hindering my progress towards this. My abuse begain 20 years ago, was primarily done by guys, etc etc I felt like men would never take me seriously due to my abuse.

I'm curious to know if any other women feel this way, and I just also want to know that I'm okay and not completely crazy for feeling this way. Please help!

 

[Lisa]

You're not crazy at all, and you're certainly not alone... I'm the same. I have huge issues with relationships, and feel like a total alien to it. When I had relationships, they were just unbearably stressful for me. I am hoping that once I've dealt with my issues better that this is something that particularly improves. Don't give up on yourself.

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi 2peanut. I just wanted to say that you are not crazy at all.

I'm 35, single and I have been single for years. I was raped when I was 20 and find all aspects of a physical relationship near impossible. If I try to explain it, then guys just think I'm nuts and not worth the bother.

You are not alone. I also feel lonely because of this. It's also a good reason to try to get better.

Take care

 

[kers]

I have this problem, too. What has helped me is letting up on the pressure and criticism I put on myself over this. I have been so mad at myself for being a 'freak' that I don't get any healing work done.

Now I am focused on building a trusting relationship with my counselor (a man) and my good frieds (women). I figure that after I learn that they are okay to trust and will not hurt me, then it will be easier to approach a relationship with a male partner. But I'm in no hurry--I suspect my 'radar' is probably broken and I don't want to end up in a bad, abusive relationship.

 

[pandora]

I am 36...married twice and my last short term relationship he told me "you are not ready to date" I know it is not healthy but I am much better if no one (being male) touches me...that is just the way it is right now and right now..although lonely...I have accepted it is easier to be alone...for now.

 

[nor]

I'm thankful to see I am in good company on this topic.

I have been married for 24 years, and I still can't handle a man's touch. Intimacy is non existent. Do I have a saint for a husband? Maybe-but he has more demons than he admits to, and I have had to live with them as well.

I married because I was told to. I was 27 and considered old. All I ever heard while growing up was "God help the man that marries you", so the first one that asked me, I accepted.

I then experienced several years of serious health issues (a couple went undiagnosed), and then we had our son-yep another future man.

I've been in therapy for 10 years, the last 4 with a man psychiatrist. I thought, like Kers, that if I can learn to be comfortable with this man that I can transfer that comfort to my husband and son. The husband part isn't going too well-but the son part is. Maybe because I don't view him as a sexual threat (who knows). I just wanted to be sure that my son would be raised in a "normal" household.

As much as I cringe when his father touches me, I momentarily hold my breath and respond (while in front of my son). The bedroom is another story altogether.

I guess what I am getting at, is that I too have the same issues. But for the benefit of my son (and I guess indirectly for me), I continue therapy and medication on a regular basis. And even with being married, I too, am very lonely.

 

[Andre]

When I first saw the thread I was surprised that there were so many of you girls who felt like this, but then I thought of course there would be, since bad men and even men very close to you did such terrible things. For my part and for what I can claim for all normal men we are not abusive. Its not right for a man to hurt a woman. Its a sick thing. I don't really know what to say past this, but I hope it can help a little.

 

[batgirl]

Peanut, you are definitely not alone. I am 24 and I am still a virgin. I've never been in a relationship, in fact I only had my first date with a guy a few weeks ago! I went out with him about 3 times I think? But it turned bad as he wanted sex immediately and was disrespectful of me. It's kind of turned me off of trying again. Anyways I do not think you are weird at all.

 

[ruddy]

But it turned bad as he wanted sex immediately and was disrespectful of me.

The ones who want instant sexual gratification have created problems for me in the past. I was deeply hurt it and reminded of the circumstances surrounding my trauma. I've developed the confidence to simply say "hands off jerk" and walk away. The part that seems strange to me is that I am reentering the dating world since my husband passed away and I guess I expected more maturity from 50 year old men. There are some really nice men out there but there are way too many middle aged adolescents.

 

[anthony]

I agree ruddy.... it shows quite a lack of respect, and as Evie also pointed out, you can pick them when they are like that. I once was quite the little shit with women, not abused them physically, though certainly sex was on my mind the majority of time and I certainly didn't treat them as well as I should have. I learnt my lessons and know better these days. So I could say now, I can understand why women do isolate themselves or do not engage in long term relationships nowadays, because the chance of being hurt is far greater than the chance of success. Some people say you must endure that hurt to find the success, which is true in some senses, however; how long does one do that for is the big question?

Sexual abuse certainly would not add to helping any male or female when it comes to relationships, so all I could suggest would be that you work on healing your trauma, healing your pain, then when your confident, full of self esteem once again, you go down the relationship avenue once again. Though certainly do not beat yourself up just because you do not fair well within a relationship presently... even past, as you have to add your experience to that equation in order to be fair and equitable to yourself.

 

[WorkingThruIt]

I think relationships in general are difficult. I have managed to continue one friendship since high school (12 yrs ago). She had ongoing abuse as a child and also suffers from PTSD. I identify as a lesbian but don't find that my intimacy issues are much better with women. I had a relationship with a man and it was the same story.

 

[mightsurvive]

Hiya

I am married and love my husband but I am 100% certain that if I wasnt with him I wouldnt even look at another guy again. I'm just lucky that I married my hubby before my amnesia dissappeared. I cant stand to look most men in the eyes sometimes. so although I do have a relation ship I understand where you are all coming from.