Childhood Relationships with parents.

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Hey,

So for a brief summary cos specifics aren't actually important here, dad was abusive, mum was enabling and is full of shit. This is prompted by how I found out they were dropping in on my alexa and they were linked (as a household, I didn't approve that though, so um feel free tech folks to tell me if this is even possible without my yay, cos if not, I have other privacy concerns..) so they could access notifications and shit, and apparently I must have done that because they would never, and dad was like wtf at mum for it. And mum lied about how I wanted to read all their emails to "make it even", and like that never happened, I don't care about their emails. And this all happened in front of me. Then mum said I was giving her a hard time, and dad laughed at her n told her that tends to happen when parents invade their adult kids privacy. Cue my confusion.

I trust dad more, and apparently that's nuts, cos he's the dickhead and mum is just "trying to survive", but if dad says something, it's probably true, cos he tells me if I did something wrong, mum sits and spins lies about what I did and didn't say while I'm sitting there, and when questioned will be like "uhh well.. whatever, you're being a bitch", so there's situations where mum f*cks shit up and I'm mad at her, and dad is on my side and takes the piss out of her for trying to bullshit me. And I'm basically on his side, cos if he's pissed I know, if mum's pissed, she'll just spin lies to everyone.

I'm well aware that this post is f*cking dripping in trauma bullshit, and dodgy family dynamics, but my main question is basically am I a dickhead for taking his side sometimes? Or trusting him more than his abused wife? (Cos yeh, that's pretty shitty innit?) Do other people feel the same way about their families or whoever? Like I dunno. Tell me if I'm being a dick, tell me I'm not if I'm not.

Ugh.
 

grief

Sponsor
with regard to the privacy breach on alexa it is possible for others to access that information if they possess your amazon login information. if you have left amazon open under your account information anywhere that could be used to access alexa. you can use your amazon dashboard to delete prior alexa recordings and i would begin there, followed by changing your amazon password and unlinking your households.

and to your other question i can relate to this as well. i certainly never trusted my father but i felt that i could predict his behavior better. i could initiate a response. i learned to manipulate him to ensure that i survived. my mother was not predictable. she was often vacated and zoned out on anxiolytic drugs.

you are not being a dick. you prefer toward behavior that you can analyze and predict. which is human nature. it also sounds like he is less likely to gaslight you whereas your mother will engage in that behavior so you may feel that the interactions with him are more "honest." my father almost didn't bother gaslighting. mother on the other hand would pretend things did not happen. tell me i was making it up. deny deny deny.

and when a person continues to have a go at you and there is at least someone "backing you up" it is reasonable to gravitate toward them.
 

Friday

Moderator
but my main question is basically am I a dickhead for taking his side sometimes? Or trusting him more than his abused wife?
Hardly.

Abusive assholes can be honest as the day is long, and victims can be manipulative liars, that you can’t trust as far as you could throw them.

Being a victim doesn’t make someone a good person, much less trustworthy. It just makes them a victim.

If your dad’s generally honest, and your mom lies & manipulates & twists things around? That’s what they do. It’s even pretty durn common.

((As abusers rarely have reason to lie, they tend to be pretty SMACK! up front about their beliefs and opinions (although many are liars, to boot), no matter how f*cked up, blatantly wrong, unpopular, or how unhappy their beliefs and opinions make others... whilst victims tend to survive long term abuse BY lying, manipulating, twisting, and wriggling out of every potentially uncomfortable situation as much as possible... before it escalates to the SMACK! Most victims of DV are -or become- pathological liars; pretending everything is fine in public, getting kids to lie to maintain the facade in public and keep the abuser happy at home, saying whatever to whomever, lying about anything/everything/all the time/to anyone... in order to sculpt their reality into what they can live with.))

Just one more f*cked up thing about DV & abuse.
 
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Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
you can use your amazon dashboard to delete prior alexa recordings and i would begin there, followed by changing your amazon password and unlinking your households.
Yeah I did this. I only found out cos mum asked Alexa for her notifications n it started reading my emails. N mum was like "oh I never noticed" but it's what she says to Alexa every day when she comes in from work, so I refuse to believe it's the first time she's had my emails read. N she's like "oh she (Alexa) barely said anything!" N that's cos I said stop. So yeah I removed from household. But I dunno how we even became a household. Cos I didn't agree to it?
it also sounds like he is less likely to gaslight you whereas your mother will engage in that behavior so you may feel that the interactions with him are more "honest." my father almost didn't bother gaslighting. mother on the other hand would pretend things did not happen. tell me i was making it up. deny deny deny
Yeah. It's like my dad could punch me in front of my mum n my dad would agree it happened n mum would say it didn't. But when it's an argument over something I did, I get mad because she's lying to keep her outta shit n apparently the only way she can do that is by lying that I did something wrong. Like do anything else, like don't mention it if you don't wanna, he wasn't there.
Abusive assholes can be honest as the day is long, and victims can be manipulative liars, that you can’t trust as far as you could throw them.
I always feel/was taught that you gotta protect whoever the victim is. Which I was cool with as a kid/teen cos of reasons (weebro n divorce woulda had dad win custody cos he was in a better position and yeah reasons). But now I'm literally watching her lie about whatever I've said to cover herself and dad believes me and I'm wondering how much shit coulda been avoided with less guilt trips back in the day.

Like don't get me wrong, my dad can be an absolute douchewank, but if I was accepting responsibility (I'd lie for her. And also better than her..) then fair enough. But wtf is this "punish Chrissy cos she found out this thing and was mad and that made me sad" thing
 

grief

Sponsor
So yeah I removed from household. But I dunno how we even became a household. Cos I didn't agree to it?
if you left your amazon account open and they were able to access that information you would not need to agree with it. they would simply initiate the process and then agree on their own account.

Yeah. It's like my dad could punch me in front of my mum n my dad would agree it happened n mum would say it didn't.
precisely. i can take a punch. what aggravated me was that my experiences were then twisted and suppressed and denied. i would much rather deal with my father who simply muttered get over it.

it sounds strange but there you have it. i now as am older recognize my mother was a victim as well. but she was an adult woman and i was a child and it was her responsibility to at least try and get us out of there which she did not even try. much like your mother i suspect she simply denied it was happening at all.
 

Innordinate

MyPTSD Pro
eh, briefly thinking about it- gaslighting and yer moms bs.... id prefer the punch to the face
straight forward
simple
predictable
less drama and over with

why you take either of there side
why u still talk to them..... baffles me
yeh yeh, i get it. complicated.

but yer dads just a better liar than yer mom is

what was the csa charity bike race (something like that?) he entered
big
giant
f*cking
in your face denial

yeh.... he's a way better liar. a confident liar.
he's so good you already forgot he lies at all....

glad you shut down the household alexa thing
👊🏻
 

Friday

Moderator
I always feel/was taught that you gotta protect whoever the victim is.
Not mutually exclusive, at all.

If you ever want some distance/outside perspective on this situation, try volunteering at a domestic violence shelter for a spell. They’re some of the most toxic places on the planet. As people are still eyeballs deep in all their unhealthy coping mechanisms (not old coping mechanisms, but still very very active), and lessons learned in trauma. Lying, stealing, explosive drama, sweet as sugar to your face and vicious cruel as soon as your back is turned, manipulative, deceitful, learned helplessness, taking advantage, blaming others to distract from their own mistakes... it’s really really brutal, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Does that mean we should just turf them all out, and send them back to their abusers, because they’re acting badly they’re not to be protected? Or were never abused? Of course not.

It’s the emotional equivalent to working in the ER & dealing with people in physical pain acting badly. Just because they’re acting badly doesn’t mean they don’t need/deserve medical treatment. The opposite, usually.

But just because someone is the victim of an abuser and deserves protection, or the victim of an MVA and deserves medical treatment... doesn’t mean they’re going to behave like lovely healthy people (most won’t), nor that they’re nice people to begin with. All kinds of people, and all kinds of personalities, become victims and act badly.

Victims deserve to be protected.
Victims often act badly.
Being a victim doesn’t make you a good person.
Acting badly doesn’t make you a bad person.

The can all be true, at the same time.

AKA...Nope. You’re still not the asshole in this situation. And you probably know me well enough by now to know I’m not shy about calling out dickish behaviour.
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Both have shown they aren't trustworthy? Over and over again with you.
Maybe they are both lying.
Either way: toxic situation.

You're not being a dock (I like that autocorrect so keeping it). They are being their usual?

My family dynamics are different to yours, but yeah, I totally am on my mum's side at times and then my dad's. Am learning to be removed from either side and just be on my side.

At the end of the day, does it matter who is more honest about this situation?
What matters is that your privacy has been breached and I am not tech at all, but finding a way to make sure that doesn't or can't happen might help?
 

Juso

MyPTSD Pro
always feel/was taught that you gotta protect whoever the victim is.
I totally get why you feel bad. Your mum is an abuser as well tho - in this situation and in many others as well - which would make you the victim who needs to be protected. So I understand why you prefer your dads honesty over your mums gaslighting. That doesn't make you an asshole, its a healthy response to mistreatment. You want to feel the least pain/annoyance and depending on the situation, that means you're either siding with your mum or your dad.
I know its f*cked up when victims are abusers too, it makes you feel so conflicted. But being a victim is and never will be an excuse.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry guys, I've been working constantly since Sat morning, so I'm late replying, appreciate replies

why u still talk to them..... baffles me
yeh yeh, i get it. complicated.
Yeah.. Basically. I don't hate either of them, whether I should or not is *shrug*, I just don't. Plus not talking to them hurts me more than them tbh, cos I like my extended family.
what was the csa charity bike race (something like that?) he entered
big
giant
f*cking
in your face denial
I'm not sure that was a lie to me though tbh, lying by omission to the community, sure, but not lying to me. So I'm not saying he's not been a massive douche, I'm just saying at least I know when he is being a massive douche.
try volunteering at a domestic violence shelter for a spell. They’re some of the most toxic places on the planet. As people are still eyeballs deep in all their unhealthy coping mechanisms (not old coping mechanisms, but still very very active), and lessons learned in trauma. Lying, stealing, explosive drama, sweet as sugar to your face and vicious cruel as soon as your back is turned, manipulative, deceitful, learned helplessness, taking advantage, blaming others to distract from their own mistakes... it’s really really brutal, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg
Heh. Like I know this, I've lived homeless accom for 16-21 year olds, which was about 100% abuse shit, and we were all awful. But my mum's not how the majority of folks there were (admittedly is also like 40 years older), but she treats people well for the most part. And I always feel like being mad that she's not treating me well is some weird "thinking of parents as superhuman" shit. Cos honestly, we could be close acquaintances if she wasn't my mum, so I dunno, feels sometimes like unrealistic expectations of her.
At the end of the day, does it matter who is more honest about this situation?
What matters is that your privacy has been breached and I am not tech at all, but finding a way to make sure that doesn't or can't happen might help?
It matters to me, whether it should or shouldn't matter is a different argument, but yeah. Whether people are honest about how they f*ck up, even if thats a "I'm doing this and I won't stop" type thing, like okay, at least I know where shit stands. I'm not saying I'm okay with it either way, but yeah, honesty is really important to me.
And yeah I fixed it I am pretty sure.
which would make you the victim who needs to be protected
Hah. Eh. Nah. And partly cos I think even referring to my mum as a victim is implying she acts like a victim (She does.) I'm not needing protected, I'm good and more than capable of handling myself (Yes, also victim = needing outside intervention) So basically I'm mad but I got this.

Thanks dudes.
 

EvenStrongerNow

MyPTSD Pro
You aren't alone. My mother was also a huge privacy invader (I say was because we don't tell her anything anymore really) and lies about stuff she doesn't even have to lie about. Our father was the abusive drunk and yea, we definitely trusted him wayyyyy more than our mother because the only thing he ever lied about was his drinking. It's still hard, even now that he's gone, trying to not feel guilty when we get pissed at her because she was the supposed victim in that relationship. It's complicated. I'm so sorry you have been put in this position in life. It isn't fair and you deserve so much better. No. You aren't being a dick. You're just not.
 
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