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Reliving Suicide Attempt (Flashback)

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Sherlock

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Flashbacks are not uncommon for me but the one I had today was rather scary. In the shopping mall I always take a look at the Christmas trees to dream of a distant future when I will have my own family and sit around the tree, how different from my current family... But today this made me feel like a day when I was still in primary school and I wanted to kill myself because I was severely bullied (some problems with my parents might have been part of the equation, but I was in denial about that). My thoughts seemed so incredibly real, I really wanted to kill myself, I even planned it to next Saturday, this feeling was so strong and I was so certain I should do it I think I would've done it instantly if I had not had a meeting scheduled tomorrow. I blocked everyone in my msn-list to prevent my friends from talking me out of it and sent some of them farewell messages. Fortunately I forgot to block one person and she confronted me with my farewell message. Because I did not want to make her feel bad I decided I should have to kill myself weeks later because otherwise she would feel guilty. During the conversation I then had with her I 'awoke' and was shocked what had happened....

I'm glad I'm still alive and these thoughts are gone now....

The last week I was a bit more anxious than normal, had quite a few milder flashbacks when cleaning my room. I hope they will stay away for a while now....
 
I am really sorry that this has happen to you. It sounds so horrid.
I often have little things happen to me like that.
Your going to be ok....make sure you speak of this to your "T".....

Geneva
 
I hope they stay away too. that just sounds too vivid. I'm glad you're still alive also. I have a friend who's suicidal right now and it terrifies me. It will literally break my heart if she goes through with it. Maybe I should tell her that, like your friend did. Your post has given me insight. thank you for sharing your pain. Please take care of yourself.
Morgan
 
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