Sexual Assault Reliving trauma but inventing new circumstances


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I lately have been going to bed every night and staying awake for hours or sometimes the whole night. I am reliving in my head my rape except everytime i make it a new scenario where I do something different so he gets arrested, caught in the act or I am in on it in some way. It makes me ashamed like I am glorifying it in my head. Makes me feel like I almost liked it when I know at the time I was petrified with whole body fear. I don’t know why I am almost enjoying going through scenarios for hours to the point where I will barely sleep for a week. Is this normal!? I can’t find anything about these types of symptoms and responses online and I am starting to think something is really wrong with me. I am psycho.


I’ve been raped… hundreds of times. Mostly in a block; by individuals, groups, whilst being held prisoner. I got to TRY everything I could think of. And I’m imaginative as hell. That’s a whole lotta lotta things.

It’s maybe 90% of why rape? Just doesn’t bother me. I literally got to try EVERYTHING I could think of. You know what worked? Nothing. The only thing all of my imaginings did was make shit worse. Whatever my instincts told me to do, in the moment, were guaranteed to make it the least bad, but I quit listening to my instincts fairly early on. And I nearly died, more times than I can count, becuase of it. Until I started following my instincts, again. And then things got “easier”.

It’s incrediably normal to replay what happened, in hundreds of different ways, imagining different outcomes. It’s rare to be as lucky as I was, and actually get to live those fantasies out. And find out? They don’t work. At all. They just make shit sooooooo much worse.

Because whatever you did… in the moment? Worked. Because you survived. As bad as things were? YOU kept them from being worse. By trusting yourself, and your instincts, and doing exactly what you needed to do, exactly when you needed to do it. Whether they were power reassurance, power assertive, sadistic, anger retaliatory, or any other bent? Choose the wrong thing? You’re dead.

Yes, it’s normal to “what IF”. But from someone who has lived the what IF? You first choice was best. Full stop.
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