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Sufferer Remembering Has Ruined My Life!

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Labamby

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Hi, I'm new here. My name is Amby. My story is really f*cking weird. I always knew my family wasn't quite right even though we put up a good front. My mom never really liked me and rarely showed me love and affection- but she always said she loved me & that really screwed me up. She showered my younger sister with all of her love though.

As I got older, she got meaner and ended up with a man that would molest all three of my sisters and tried to molest me. When he tried to molest me & I told her, she sat me down and told me that he was sorry and it was my choice if he left or not. She said "but remember, your brother won't have a dad". I chose for him to stay because my dad had went to prison the year before and I didn't want that for my brother. I would grow to regret this because he would hurt all my siblings in the next 5 years. I was 12/13 years old. I started cutting that year. I tried to commit suicide for the first time at 13. I was hospitalized twice at 16.

My mother's abuse is increasingly geared towards making me feel/look crazy and sexual at times (constantly being called a whore/slut, being accused of untrue sex things, actually being taken to the doctor as a virgin and being checked to make sure I was). I have some memories of inappropriate behavior from my mom, but I always tried to forget or minimize them. Mainly because I loved her.

At 18, i catch my moms bf and my sister doing something. My Mom is asleep so I'm so scared I run in and wake her up. She does nothing and by the time it comes out - he has hurt all of them. After that, I'm gone even more and get into my first abusive relationship at 19.

By 22, I am with another partner. He turns out to be the most abusive person besides my mom in my life. I spend 7 years being gas lighted, physically abused, and emotionally tormented. My mother joins in and tells me that I am wrong in how I treat my now ex. She later confessed to having slept with him. Possibly on more than one occasion.

I left him last December and had to move back in with my Mom. I had stumbled upon an article about narcissists and quickly recognized both my mom and my ex. I recognized myself in the descriptions of scapegoats and "victims". I lost it. I won't lie. I started going into these trances where my inner thigh muscles would not unclench. They would actually hurt. I would feel scared and cry a lot. I started waking up with bad dreams. Unable to sleep until morning. One day I spent hours upon hours in the mall, dazed, unable to focus. I was losing it.

So I Google my symptoms and start to realize I am disassociating. I decide to "test" my mother to see if she is a narcissist like a dumbass because she saw right through it and doubled down on her smear campaign. In the end, one night I feel like my mother has drugged me, I wake up shaking. I end up going to the er because I want to make sure I wasn't raped and what she drugged me with. Tox screen was clean and I looked unhurt. My thigh muscles won't unclench, but I felt safe in the hospital. I tell them this same story I just told you with more details.

I left her house with the clothes on my back & told all 3 of my sisters that I was remembering sexual abuse a child. And that it was my mother & grandma. One sister listened carefully and then went & told our mom everything. One said leave it in the past and that the world doesnt do anything for victims. The other used my moms tactics and told me i seemed like i was losing it and she didnt believe me.

Of all things that saved my sanity it is that after i accused them, my grandma came and apologized for it. I asked her why and she pretty much said "when you get accused of something for years, it just wears on you until you just do it." I told her to leave and I haven't spoken to her much since. My mother is still denying. She helped play a role in me losing my kids. She has spread so many lies about me that everyone just believes because she still pretends she loves me.

I think it helps to say that my whole life has been ruined by remembering. Ive lost all my family and some friends. I did have a promising career in the mental health field that i resigned from last december. I started stripping last January. It gives me some of my power back. Plus money. Lol. I'm doing more to escape reality. I'm up and down emotionally. Paranoid. Isolated. I haven't been able to find a trauma specialist and its hard because I get so anxious. So here I am. Hoping maybe I can find something here to help me.

Ps- I'm sorry for all grammatical errors. It isn't easy to talk about this in a cohesive manner. Also sorry so long.
 
Welcome to the forum. You are brave to tell your story and seeking some help. I hope that you feel supported here and find helpful information.
 
Not weird at all your very brave for sharing your story and seeking assistance also welcome to the forum :)
 
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