Repeated History of Abusers with Substance Abuse Issues

littlestars

Confident
I wrote a long description of my history with all of the men in my past that had substance abuse issues, but I deleted it. They were all abusive in many ways to me as well. The main one was emotional throughout. The bottom line is that I keep dating variations of my father. He was an alcoholic and abused prescription pain medicine. I keep falling into the same manipulative traps. They're nearly all of the same kind of relationship, just disguised differently and the drugs varied. And I keep falling for the same thing every time. All of the lies, empty promises, and every kind of abuse possible were combined with substance abuse. My father set the stage for my love life.

I keep getting fooled over and over. I thought I could recognize the things that I have learned in therapy all of these years. I guess I was wrong. I feel like I have no business dating because the same thing keeps happening.

I broke up with my recent ex a couple of days before this Christmas. His mother texted me Christmas morning about giving me back any belongings I had left at his place and would bring them to me. I told her to throw everything away. She proceeded to ask me for my current address to mail me some gifts she bought me for Christmas. I declined. I told her that I had mailed his key back to him. I told her I'm going no contact with her son and wanted to move on with my life. She said she wouldn't contact me again. Later that day my ex texted me "Merry Christmas" and sent texts acting as if nothing happened. I don't understand why. I cried when I heard from him, but not because I missed him. I was upset because he contacted me. There is nothing to miss. I blocked his number as well as all of his family. After I had broken up with him I immediately removed him from all of my social media. I blocked him and his family and friends. A friend of mine checked one of his social media accounts. He hasn't taken down our pictures or changed his relationship status. It's the same except I am not tagged in it. I don't understand that either. He hid his addiction from me and would lie about it. Initially, he told me that he was sober for three years when we met. I was never a priority and he was always broke. I paid for everything. Up until recently, I realized the true reality of the nature of our relationship and that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I feel so stupid and disappointed in myself because this has happened again. And I allowed it to. I haven't spoken to my therapist about this yet, but I see her tomorrow.

Since he contacted me on Christmas, I have been having nightmares about men (especially ones that I have dated). I get random panic attacks. I have anxiety when I think about or am in the same proximity as men. It's just awful. I'm reliving not just my relationship with him, but every man in my life traced all the way back to my father; the first man in my life who was a monster.

I don't know what to do other than to care for myself and become a person again since I lost myself almost entirely in that relationship. I know that just about everyone says "I never want to be in a relationship again" after a breakup, but I really mean it. I feel like the same thing will keep happening in spite of my best efforts. If I do get into another bad relationship I won't be able to leave right away just like others. I am afraid. I don't want to bother with it anymore. I don't think I am healthy enough to have a relationship in the first place - ever since I was young. My friends have told me that it was them because that is who they are and reassured me that I am a good person. However, they also say "you are too nice". They also tell me to not beat myself up...

...I don't see how I can't at all! I allowed this over and over. I feel ashamed of myself, afraid of men/relationships/the world, and guilty for putting myself through this once again. I am going to turn forty in a couple of years. I have been in therapy since my adolescence! Clearly, I am the problem. There are people out there who want to harm you in any way possible for some type of gain for themselves. It just keeps happening over and over.

I am a member of this site because of multiple SA. That kept happening over and over too, but it was with people I trusted not some random stranger in a dark alley; people I'd known for years.

I feel so hurt. I know that these people mistreated me, but I can't believe that this has happened AGAIN. I am so sad. I feel so hopeless.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Friday

Moderator
I know that just about everyone says "I never want to be in a relationship again" after a breakup, but I really mean it. I feel like the same thing will keep happening in spite of my best efforts.
I’m actually someone who has always believed that the best way over one man? Is under another. 😁

It served me really well for years… until my first abusive relationship. And then I married my next abusive relationship. 😵

Since I had a child in the mix, now… and it is craaaaazy proven how most people in abusive relationships get out of one, only to get into another, and I now found myself on that trajectory from hell? I started researching.

Come to find? It’s NOT that most people jump from one into another. It’s that most people with less than 2-5 years single, in between their last abusive relationship, and their next relationship do.

The actual numbers move around a little, depending on whether you’re male/female, or married/dating, so the numbers I have memoriezed are for female & married… which look like this

< Less Than 2 years = Nearly all right back into another abusive relationship.
+ 2 Years = Some abusive, Some healthy
> Greater than 5 years = Nearly all are in healthy relationships.

I know that just about everyone says "I never want to be in a relationship again" after a breakup, but I really mean it.
So rather than never, which is a reeeeeally long time, and doesn’t allow for… anything, really… so easily goes wrong?

You might pick a more concrete number, like 5 years or 2, to work on your own life, and stack the deck in your favor.

I HATED that time single, by the by. I’m a far better person in a relationship than out of one, but that whole first year? All. I. Wanted. Was. To. Be. Held. 💔 ❤️‍🩹 😭 And that’s what convinced me. Because apparently?!? My standards had sunk so loooooooow as to require …arms… in a potential mate. That’s it. Freaking arms. Nope!!! Not gonna stand for that nonsense!

By the following year I had a really good mental list going of what I didn’t want (great. We’ve arrived at scraping the bottom of the barrel. Seeeeeriously self?!? Standards! Freaking raise them already!), but it took until year 3 where I was totally comfortable/reacquainted with what I DID want, and year 4 before I could take people as they were, again, and not just see what I did want in them (and ignore what I didn’t), or see what I didn’t want, and miss out on great friendships, It was only in year 5 where I was “me” pre-abusive / pre-domestic violence “me”, again.

So as hard as it was? I’m reeeeeeally glad I took the time. Because I woulda been right smack dab in another statistic, instead of this one. It blew my mind, but it really took me 5 whole durn years to break that pattern.
 

littlestars

Confident
I’m actually someone who has always believed that the best way over one man? Is under another. 😁

It served me really well for years… until my first abusive relationship. And then I married my next abusive relationship. 😵

Since I had a child in the mix, now… and it is craaaaazy proven how most people in abusive relationships get out of one, only to get into another, and I now found myself on that trajectory from hell? I started researching.

Come to find? It’s NOT that most people jump from one into another. It’s that most people with less than 2-5 years single, in between their last abusive relationship, and their next relationship do.

The actual numbers move around a little, depending on whether you’re male/female, or married/dating, so the numbers I have memoriezed are for female & married… which look like this

< Less Than 2 years = Nearly all right back into another abusive relationship.
+ 2 Years = Some abusive, Some healthy
> Greater than 5 years = Nearly all are in healthy relationships.


So rather than never, which is a reeeeeally long time, and doesn’t allow for… anything, really… so easily goes wrong?

You might pick a more concrete number, like 5 years or 2, to work on your own life, and stack the deck in your favor.

I HATED that time single, by the by. I’m a far better person in a relationship than out of one, but that whole first year? All. I. Wanted. Was. To. Be. Held. 💔 ❤️‍🩹 😭 And that’s what convinced me. Because apparently?!? My standards had sunk so loooooooow as to require …arms… in a potential mate. That’s it. Freaking arms. Nope!!! Not gonna stand for that nonsense!

By the following year I had a really good mental list going of what I didn’t want (great. We’ve arrived at scraping the bottom of the barrel. Seeeeeriously self?!? Standards! Freaking raise them already!), but it took until year 3 where I was totally comfortable/reacquainted with what I DID want, and year 4 before I could take people as they were, again, and not just see what I did want in them (and ignore what I didn’t), or see what I didn’t want, and miss out on great friendships, It was only in year 5 where I was “me” pre-abusive / pre-domestic violence “me”, again.

So as hard as it was? I’m reeeeeeally glad I took the time. Because I woulda been right smack dab in another statistic, instead of this one. It blew my mind, but it really took me 5 whole durn years to break that pattern.
That makes perfect sense, but I don't want to even bother... even if it's five years or more. I'm frightened of men. The only men I'm not afraid of are my brother, extended family members, and my doctors. idk. Maybe I will change. Maybe I will always be afraid. I appreciate your response and I know that you are possibly right because you backed your answer with facts, but I just don't think I could do this again because of my fear, which causes so many issues like trust and my inability to do that.
 

caroline_13

MyPTSD Pro
I wrote a long description of my history with all of the men in my past that had substance abuse issues, but I deleted it. They were all abusive in many ways to me as well. The main one was emotional throughout. The bottom line is that I keep dating variations of my father. He was an alcoholic and abused prescription pain medicine. I keep falling into the same manipulative traps. They're nearly all of the same kind of relationship, just disguised differently and the drugs varied. And I keep falling for the same thing every time. All of the lies, empty promises, and every kind of abuse possible were combined with substance abuse. My father set the stage for my love life.

I keep getting fooled over and over. I thought I could recognize the things that I have learned in therapy all of these years. I guess I was wrong. I feel like I have no business dating because the same thing keeps happening.

I broke up with my recent ex a couple of days before this Christmas. His mother texted me Christmas morning about giving me back any belongings I had left at his place and would bring them to me. I told her to throw everything away. She proceeded to ask me for my current address to mail me some gifts she bought me for Christmas. I declined. I told her that I had mailed his key back to him. I told her I'm going no contact with her son and wanted to move on with my life. She said she wouldn't contact me again. Later that day my ex texted me "Merry Christmas" and sent texts acting as if nothing happened. I don't understand why. I cried when I heard from him, but not because I missed him. I was upset because he contacted me. There is nothing to miss. I blocked his number as well as all of his family. After I had broken up with him I immediately removed him from all of my social media. I blocked him and his family and friends. A friend of mine checked one of his social media accounts. He hasn't taken down our pictures or changed his relationship status. It's the same except I am not tagged in it. I don't understand that either. He hid his addiction from me and would lie about it. Initially, he told me that he was sober for three years when we met. I was never a priority and he was always broke. I paid for everything. Up until recently, I realized the true reality of the nature of our relationship and that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I feel so stupid and disappointed in myself because this has happened again. And I allowed it to. I haven't spoken to my therapist about this yet, but I see her tomorrow.

Since he contacted me on Christmas, I have been having nightmares about men (especially ones that I have dated). I get random panic attacks. I have anxiety when I think about or am in the same proximity as men. It's just awful. I'm reliving not just my relationship with him, but every man in my life traced all the way back to my father; the first man in my life who was a monster.

I don't know what to do other than to care for myself and become a person again since I lost myself almost entirely in that relationship. I know that just about everyone says "I never want to be in a relationship again" after a breakup, but I really mean it. I feel like the same thing will keep happening in spite of my best efforts. If I do get into another bad relationship I won't be able to leave right away just like others. I am afraid. I don't want to bother with it anymore. I don't think I am healthy enough to have a relationship in the first place - ever since I was young. My friends have told me that it was them because that is who they are and reassured me that I am a good person. However, they also say "you are too nice". They also tell me to not beat myself up...

...I don't see how I can't at all! I allowed this over and over. I feel ashamed of myself, afraid of men/relationships/the world, and guilty for putting myself through this once again. I am going to turn forty in a couple of years. I have been in therapy since my adolescence! Clearly, I am the problem. There are people out there who want to harm you in any way possible for some type of gain for themselves. It just keeps happening over and over.

I am a member of this site because of multiple SA. That kept happening over and over too, but it was with people I trusted not some random stranger in a dark alley; people I'd known for years.

I feel so hurt. I know that these people mistreated me, but I can't believe that this has happened AGAIN. I am so sad. I feel so hopeless.
I actually feel a similar way recently. I see how I keep repeating patterns, and I feel my whole life has been a big fraud I've fallen for, been duped over and over.

Wayne Dyer said something like this, In order to give out a dozen oranges, you have to first go buy twelve oranges, so you have them to give away.

It's the same with love. I've only understood in the past few days what that might mean for me (as I have not dated for YEARS, I have completely given that a break before I break).

So, what are the oranges you can give yourself? Things that you are doing just for you. It may take time to reveal the answers.

For me, my oranges are dance, hiking, yoga, cooking/baking, travel, reading, meditation, my cats, and my friends.

The universe will take care of us if we stop trying to fix things we cannot fix, if we let go of them for a little while.

It sounds like you've put up some great boundaries. Impressive boundaries. I just want you to know you are not alone in feeling hopeless and confused, and those feelings won't stay forever. There are years that ask questions, and years that answer. (Zora Neale Hurston)
 

SallyO

New Here
I wrote a long description of my history with all of the men in my past that had substance abuse issues, but I deleted it. They were all abusive in many ways to me as well. The main one was emotional throughout. The bottom line is that I keep dating variations of my father. He was an alcoholic and abused prescription pain medicine. I keep falling into the same manipulative traps. They're nearly all of the same kind of relationship, just disguised differently and the drugs varied. And I keep falling for the same thing every time. All of the lies, empty promises, and every kind of abuse possible were combined with substance abuse. My father set the stage for my love life.

I keep getting fooled over and over. I thought I could recognize the things that I have learned in therapy all of these years. I guess I was wrong. I feel like I have no business dating because the same thing keeps happening.

I broke up with my recent ex a couple of days before this Christmas. His mother texted me Christmas morning about giving me back any belongings I had left at his place and would bring them to me. I told her to throw everything away. She proceeded to ask me for my current address to mail me some gifts she bought me for Christmas. I declined. I told her that I had mailed his key back to him. I told her I'm going no contact with her son and wanted to move on with my life. She said she wouldn't contact me again. Later that day my ex texted me "Merry Christmas" and sent texts acting as if nothing happened. I don't understand why. I cried when I heard from him, but not because I missed him. I was upset because he contacted me. There is nothing to miss. I blocked his number as well as all of his family. After I had broken up with him I immediately removed him from all of my social media. I blocked him and his family and friends. A friend of mine checked one of his social media accounts. He hasn't taken down our pictures or changed his relationship status. It's the same except I am not tagged in it. I don't understand that either. He hid his addiction from me and would lie about it. Initially, he told me that he was sober for three years when we met. I was never a priority and he was always broke. I paid for everything. Up until recently, I realized the true reality of the nature of our relationship and that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I feel so stupid and disappointed in myself because this has happened again. And I allowed it to. I haven't spoken to my therapist about this yet, but I see her tomorrow.

Since he contacted me on Christmas, I have been having nightmares about men (especially ones that I have dated). I get random panic attacks. I have anxiety when I think about or am in the same proximity as men. It's just awful. I'm reliving not just my relationship with him, but every man in my life traced all the way back to my father; the first man in my life who was a monster.

I don't know what to do other than to care for myself and become a person again since I lost myself almost entirely in that relationship. I know that just about everyone says "I never want to be in a relationship again" after a breakup, but I really mean it. I feel like the same thing will keep happening in spite of my best efforts. If I do get into another bad relationship I won't be able to leave right away just like others. I am afraid. I don't want to bother with it anymore. I don't think I am healthy enough to have a relationship in the first place - ever since I was young. My friends have told me that it was them because that is who they are and reassured me that I am a good person. However, they also say "you are too nice". They also tell me to not beat myself up...

...I don't see how I can't at all! I allowed this over and over. I feel ashamed of myself, afraid of men/relationships/the world, and guilty for putting myself through this once again. I am going to turn forty in a couple of years. I have been in therapy since my adolescence! Clearly, I am the problem. There are people out there who want to harm you in any way possible for some type of gain for themselves. It just keeps happening over and over.

I am a member of this site because of multiple SA. That kept happening over and over too, but it was with people I trusted not some random stranger in a dark alley; people I'd known for years.

I feel so hurt. I know that these people mistreated me, but I can't believe that this has happened AGAIN. I am so sad. I feel so hopeless.
Have you tried Codependency Anonymous? I am an adult child of two alcoholics and your story is my story! CODA has been incredible in letting me seeing insights into myself. I wish I had joined it 30 years ago!!
 
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