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Repeating words and falling apart after session

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Justmehere

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When I was scared and upset after being traumatized as a kid, I would cry and repeat things. Like if I tried to say, “where is the (teddy) bear?” And what I said was, “where is where is where is the bear? the bear?”

It wasn’t quite perseverating, because I’d change subjects easily. But it was confusing for my parents who were already struggling to parent. It would lead them to screaming I was crazy and broken and they’d rage and etc. (Which of course didn’t help things.)

In therapy yesterday, we stirred up childhood trauma and loss and I started doing the same thing. My therapist mildly reassured me I’m “not crazy like crazy-crazy.” (Huh?) Therpay isn’t quite making sense to me these days but I’m trying to trust and not resist and walk the process through.

I left the session shaken and a mess. Got home. Woke up screaming and in a panic. I’m still in that place, that same head space, in a panic and shaking, and where if I was to talk, I’d be repeating things, or my head just fogs out dissoctively really badly.

None of this is normal for me. Not even a normal bad day. Even as a kid, this wasn’t common but just happened at a few of my very worst moments years apart.

I’m dressed and trying to get out the door and on the way to the train, my head fuzzed out and I started to shake and panic and someone asked if I was ok. I repeated myself as I reassured them.

I went back home and I’m just a mess. I’m not self injurious or suicidal and worst case senario, I can call in sick to everything today and stay home and ride this out... I have a lot to get done but whatever.

Thing is, I am not sure what’s going on with me though and I’m rather freaked out.

Everything I know to do to ground and cope isn’t working exactly. This is really different headspace for me.

Any thoughts as to what is going on? Is this a situation in which to reach out to my therapist? She’s only said I could always ask for a call between sessions and she’ll let me know yes or no, depending on her work schedule. What can she really even do or say to help? There is no safety crisis so seems like I should just find a way to handle this myself.
 
It sounds like the session has really triggered a reaction in you - I know your usual grounding stuff isn’t working so don’t want to suggest the usual breathing, mindfulness etc type stuff but some of your usual strategies might slow down the reaction enough for you to function?

Can you take today off, give yourself some space to just ride it out for today? I often find if I have that kind of reaction that knowing I have some time to deal with it helps me figure out what I need. The pressure I put on myself to be ok quickly sometimes really works against me being able to calm down.

I’d also let your T know about the reaction - you’ll know if you need to speak to her sooner but certainly tell her when you see her next.
 
None of this is normal for me.
Was there something different about the particular therapy session that lead to this?
It seems to me, from reading your post, that if you have stirred up any childhood trauma in therapy in the past it hasn't lead to this outcome.

Or maybe not something in the session itself but perhaps some separate additional stress that ultimately overwhelmed the part of your brain that has now lead to these speech repetitions?

It could be helpful to think about, or speak with your therapist about. From experience when sudden symptoms appear, it can make them seem less rattling when I'm able to make a connection as to why they've suddenly popped up. Easier said than done though, I know.

I think you should contact your therapist in general though. She'll let you know yes or no whether she can see you, so it isn't like you're crossing any boundaries. I'm aware there's no safety crisis but you're understandably shaken up and she might be able to give you some alternative ideas for coping strategies, while this symptom passes.

Glad you reached out here. Hope it passes for you soon.
 
I am guessing that you didn’t get much sleep. When I am over tired and stressed I jumble my words. Obviously your repeated words is linked to your trauma. Don’t let what is happening freak you out that you are losing your mind (something I tend to do). Do some current day fact checking. Make a list in your mind of present day stuff, confirming to yourself who you are, what you do, that you are in therapy to deal with the past, but the present is where you currently live your life. Remind yourself that you will come out of this fog soon. Email or call your T to let her know what is going on. Pray. (((JMH)))
 
I don’t know if it helps at all but I do the repeating words thing as well. It will be like a record has get stuck in my head and a phrase or part of a phrase will just go on repeat. It’s the same words and said in exactly the same tone, intonation, pace etc. Sometimes I become aware that I’m doing it and I literally shake my head to stop myself and then carry on as normal. It feels a bit creepy when I can hear myself doing it. And yes, feels crazy-crazy. Othertimes, I don’t realise I’m doing it. And then I think my therapist gently interrupts me to try to get my attention and get me to focus and be more present.

I don’t do it massively often. When I do, it’s generally that I’m badly triggered or at least in a state of very, very high anxiety. And it’s often a sign that I’m going to dissociate - especially the times I don’t notice I’m doing it and therefore fail to stop myself. In those circumstances, my head will likely be gone in no time.

So, as to what’s going on, I’d suggest from my own experience that you are badly triggered/in a highly anxious state. I don’t know why the repeating words things happen but there definitely seems to be a sense of something getting stuck/frozen. And that my sense of time has gone a bit...skewiff.

If it’s something you used to do as a child, I’m wondering whether a younger, dissociated part of you has got triggered and that you are repeating the behaviours you used back then to express/discharge anxiety or maybe even to comfort yourself?

Are you asking whether it’s something you should reach out to your T about because you’re worried that it (the repeating words thing) means that it may be something to worry about?
I don’t think that happening means you’ve got crazier ;) But I do know that it can feel very crazy. If you mean should you contact her because you feel that you are falling apart post-session, maybe it is worth calling her. If you’re looking for some reassurance from her, again, that may make it worth a call.

In your shoes, I think I would take the day off today and just try to do whatever I feel moved to do in order to take care of myself and soothe myself.

Also, I get the urge to try to repress the repetition. It can feel like Tourette’s, I think (I don’t have Tourette’s so I don’t actually know what it feels like but it’s sort of how I imagine it to feel....quite compulsive and feeling out of control...) and I can feel really ashamed once I start doing it. Maybe though, if you are home alone, let the words come out and try accepting that there might be some repetition and that’s ok? Maybe just give it an opportunity for whatever is trying to be expressed to come out?
 
some of your usual strategies might slow down the reaction enough for you to function?
They are at least keeping things from getting worse. I’m dressed and at least managed to get down a protein shake for breakfast.

I’ve called in sick to my morning. I look like crap. I’m holding ice wrapped in a towel and drinking tea. It’s slowing down the panic.
Was there something different about the particular therapy session that lead to this?
I don’t know. Yesterday was off before I even came in to the session. We do several types of trauma work and one is a form of somatic experiencing mixed with other techniques. It’s been working for me, and then we had to stop for a few months and we are just re-starting. I asked if I could sit in the floor. She said once that other clients do that. She sat on the floor with me, her idea. I was ok with it. At one point she asked me to try to remember she was there to help. Connect to it, connect to her.

Someone offering to help me as a kid was harmful, and my head fuzzed out and went blank.

She said it was ok if that was too much relational contact and she backed off... But we’ve been over that before.

And that’s when I got upset and started repeating. I was able to tell her I did that as a kid and she was steady. She tried to help me get to a solid place before going home but we both knew I could get home alright.
 
I am really sorry you are having a hard time, today. I don't have any real words of wisdom to share. But, I can say that your repeating things sounds like childhood stuttering, per say. My youngest son would do exactly what you described in repeating words and it was like pulling teeth to wait for him to finish a sentence. Once his stress level was calmer, he quit stuttering. Years later, he told us that he would panic because he wanted to have his sentences perfect when he spoke. His fear made him hesitate and he would get stuck repeating his words. It sounds like you are experiencing a similar thing. I hope you did or are going to contact your Therapist. It sounds like you have gotten close to a childhood trauma that needs to be worked through. I hope you are able to figure out what the cause is and take a victory lap over the issues.
 
Yesterday was off before I even came in to the session.
I think this is something helpful to recognise.
I know it probably doesn't help a lot in this moment, but perhaps for future instances being more aware of that 'off' feeling could be useful in determining the intensity of the therapy session, or at least staying away from this particular form of trauma work in a session that follows an off feeling, to hopefully prevent this from happening again.

Glad you've been able to take the day off and had something to eat.
I really wish I could help more. Be gentle with yourself today.
 
I have this too when I'm stressed or highly anxious. It calms down, though.
Try speaking to yourself gently, self soothing sentences.
I'm sorry this left you in a panic. For what its worth, you're not alone in it.
 
Do some current day fact checking. Make a list in your mind of present day stuff, confirming to yourself who you are, what you do, that you are in therapy to deal with the past, but the present is where you currently live your life. Remind yourself that you will come out of this fog soon.
This is a great idea! Working on it now.

@barefoot @Still Standing and @Sietz - I’m sorry you all have struggled with this too, and it’s so good right now to know I’m not the only one. Helps me feel less crazy-crazy.

I texted my therapist and said I didn’t know if I should ask for a call or not. Just kinda asked what to do. Eh. Probably the wrong thing. I also noticed I texted her two weeks ago and don’t remember that. That’s usual for me too. Ugh. She never responded to it. Weird in every way.

I think I have to go be around people. Trying to calm the shaking and tears enough to put on sunglasses and fake presentable and go bury my head in a book in a library.
 
There is so much fearful grief that I feel. I threw up with anxiety in front of the library. Damn it. Now to try to pretend to be normal as I walk back home.

I’m realizing that the session yesterday was confusing for a handful of reasons and things said. All things to sort out at the next session next week before she goes on a long vacation.

My therapist texted back this morning and it was not that helpful. “Go swim. be with a friend.” Should this be helpful? I mean I guess it should be helpful. I hate texting. Too much can go ary. I’ll wait until I can talk to her in person about how to handle this.

Maybe swimming would be good. Can’t cry or panic under water. One has to regulate breathing to swim. She knows I love to swim so maybe that’s where I need to go.
 
I’m guessing that might be what she means, while trying not to jump to help you when in your own words there wasn’t an immediate crisis.

If I contact mine like that she’ll suggest I write in my journal because she knows it’s how I make sense of things. Her text/email language is very precise though so if I didn’t know her I’d think she was being dismissive when really she knows what’s likely to help.

Could that be the case for your T?
 
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