Repercussions of being suicidal

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Has anyone else been close to evicted, because being suicidal makes them that much more ineffective in applying for jobs? Or postponing health issues if they aren't insurance covered, because now they are both suicidal and broke? And at some point you don't know if being broke got you suicidal or the other way around....

I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm in a hole and everything is just digging me deeper. Even checked the support the country could provide financially in different situations but the process takes months of documents. I keep trying, just doesn't get easier. Just the scale to which I think about suicide or selfharm is slightly less some days up to impossibly painful on others.
And I keep trying. Going to get referral for psychiatrist next week, so that something.
I'm still alive. And many days that is my biggest accomplishment. And I'm getting tired...
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
the greatest certainty in my own case is that it is hard to know cause from effect, or even which what is where, when i am in the grips of psychosis and/or life storms.

yes, many days simple survival feels like a triumph in itself

steadying support while you find your way out.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I've definitely been there. And I never thought it would ever stop because I'd been like that for so long. For me, it was finding the something that made suicide wrong for me - it happened suddenly and without any thought, so I have no idea how to convey that to others. I can only say I don't think about it much anymore. Oh, I have days, but mostly not. And even during the worst times, the possibility of losing my home pushed me to find some way to manage.

I perpetually postpone health stuff - insurance or not - due to anxiety. I've also postponed because I was so depressed and suicidal that I didn't want any healthcare provider to know.

It's so hard. I really hope you can find some positive reason to hang on and that your pain eases.
 

BIgLittle

Confident
Has anyone else been close to evicted, because being suicidal makes them that much more ineffective in applying for jobs? Or postponing health issues if they aren't insurance covered, because now they are both suicidal and broke? And at some point you don't know if being broke got you suicidal or the other way around....

I feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm in a hole and everything is just digging me deeper. Even checked the support the country could provide financially in different situations but the process takes months of documents. I keep trying, just doesn't get easier. Just the scale to which I think about suicide or selfharm is slightly less some days up to impossibly painful on others.
And I keep trying. Going to get referral for psychiatrist next week, so that something.
I'm still alive. And many days that is my biggest accomplishment. And I'm getting tired...
Just one day at the time and step by step. Try to keep asking for help from your city. Bureaucracy can help you as long as you stick with it. A psychiatrist is a good path to go on when you feel this way. I send you much love and support... hang in there , things will get better.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Going to the psychiatrist is the right idea and tell them. Idk if you’ve ever tried to get stable on medication but that’s what I’d do. Up to and including being admitted to the psych ward . Lately I’ve lost some of my trust in the medical community. But I still believe they’ll do everything they can, depending on who you get, to help you stop feeling that way.

I’ve never done the admission thing but as I’ve written often I had a friend who did it. He had ptsd and when he got really depressed he would disappear for a few days. He used to go to the emergency room and tell them he was suicidal. They have to admit you. Then he would “get the medication he needed.” I knew he could do that. I doubted if I could . I hope I never find out .

I hope you feel better .
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Just one day at the time and step by step. Try to keep asking for help from your city. Bureaucracy can help you as long as you stick with it. A psychiatrist is a good path to go on when you feel this way. I send you much love and support... hang in there , things will get better.
Yes, but I'm visiting family for a month more only, bureaucracy won't help in that. I am already on meds but clearly the balance that used to work for a long time is way off right now, so I need the psychiatrist. I need therapy too, but I will only know Monday if the insurance covers any and if it doesn't i can afford it yet. I am doing step by step... Mostly babysteps cause its all I have in me to be honest. It always seems like good changes come too late lately and I'll lose everything I can way before the good changes take impact. I'm trying to hold on. It's why I'm here, why I'm talking to friends and crisis lines and using every tool I have to keep going. Lately none of that is enough though. But it is what it is.
I'm safe, and I'm alive, so far.
The rest will be seen in the next week.

Going to the psychiatrist is the right idea and tell them. Idk if you’ve ever tried to get stable on medication but that’s what I’d do. Up to and including being admitted to the psych ward . Lately I’ve lost some of my trust in the medical community. But I still believe they’ll do everything they can, depending on who you get, to help you stop feeling that way.

I’ve never done the admission thing but as I’ve written often I had a friend who did it. He had ptsd and when he got really depressed he would disappear for a few days. He used to go to the emergency room and tell them he was suicidal. They have to admit you. Then he would “get the medication he needed.” I knew he could do that. I doubted if I could . I hope I never find out .

I hope you feel better .
Thank you for the advice. I wish I can do that. First of all to be brave enough to admit myself. But second... I'm a step from being evicted, from the town I live in(so if I am evicted I won't even be there and I'd have to rely somehow on friends moving my stuff out), but I'm not yet evicted so I can't afford not trying to find side projects or whatever to pay my rent or part of it... I don't know, everything is so hard, so painful, so I'm not super productive... But I don't want to give up before it's really over. So I can't take the time to be in any ward. Even if that kinda feel like a vacation to me to be honest, not to deal with anything more than just my mental health (not that plus work plus health plus a zillion other things).
Everything is just such a mess. It would be so much easier to not exist. Still here though, I'm holding on another day(and calling another crisis line, again... ).
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you for the advice. I wish I can do that. First of all to be brave enough to admit myself. But second... I'm a step from being evicted, from the town I live in(so if I am evicted I won't even be there and I'd have to rely somehow on friends moving my stuff out), but I'm not yet evicted so I can't afford not trying to find side projects or whatever to pay my rent or part of it... I don't know, everything is so hard, so painful, so I'm not super productive... But I don't want to give up before it's really over. So I can't take the time to be in any ward. Even if that kinda feel like a vacation to me to be honest, not to deal with anything more than just my mental health (not that plus work plus health plus a zillion other things).
Everything is just such a mess. It would be so much easier to not exist. Still here though, I'm holding on another day(and calling another crisis line, again... ).
Yes I know I am exactly the same when I’m in the state you are in and I’m not telling you what to do but I’m trying to extend my hand and my experience and I pray you will get feeling better and this is what happened to me.

I would call the nurses at my PDoc. I called other crisis lines too. But I kept calling them because I thought they really wanted to help me.

They told me my fears and concerns were irrelevant in light of the things I was saying and

Why didn’t I do something about it this time ? That’s what I’m telling you, with as much love as I can muster, before something bad happens . I signed myself into a detox and quit my job. It was a good job, probably one of the only good jobs I ever had. I had nothing and didn’t know if the rent was going to get paid .

So I thought it sucked when I realized unless I did something, I wasn’t going to get any help. It was horribly painful. But I think this kind of the only way.

I know it’s hard to hear things like this in the place you are because that’s exactly how I was . Whatever you do or don’t do I support you 1000 percent, I just can’t stand to have anyone feel like you do because I know what it’s like .

I don’t feel like that anymore. Sometimes I do a little, I remember it. But I was like that most of my life. Feel better .
 

SeekingAfrica

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you everyone for all the comments. I'm trying to work out something with my landlord. At least until 5th I'm fine. I started working a bit daily, got small online thing. I'm also working out when I can, but it's been more regular the past few days, so it's starting to get easier. And I have my first doc. appointment Monday. Yesterday I had my first good day in a weeks. Not saying I'm just well like that, but I'm doing my best. Thanks to loooots of online and offline support and efforts, I'm still here, still trying. So thank you everyone who commented. Will update more when I can.
 
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