I have been challenging my contemptible self loathing dialogue with repetition of reality checks. I have a sore jaw all the time because I absorbed my fathers screwed up face and screamed abuse. My therapist helped me learn that there is an adult in here as well as a broken child. Specifically what helped me was my punching bag. I am 187centimetres (6'2") and weigh 133 kilograms (over 12 stone.) With my gloves on I nearly knock the bag and the heavy metal frame through the wall. This has shocked me. I have always felt powerless and terrified. I have used the bag often and now believe I am a strong man. I am also intelligent and kind. Over time I have come to believe this. Now that I had the adult I started to say to myself "I am a strong kind man and you are safe now." to my inner child. I also said "I let go of the trauma and that idiotic, pathetic nonsense that my father said to me." I am finally getting some rest from the constant pain and depression. An interesting thing is I am describing my father truthfully. He was a violent, domestic violence criminal psychopath. I say other stuff too sparing nothing. My therapist said I would have felt love and a need to be loved by my father. I hated hearing it but it was true. I had a fondness for the sick mongrel. Repetition of a description of him, imagining his mates and other people seeing him commit his appalling crimes, has meant it is finally moving from my head to my gut. I am 65 soon and I am feeling like I might get a final decent 15 or 20 years. Dad died at 84 my mum at 81. Dads mother died at 92.