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Reporting to the police - How do you feel about it now?

Thread starter #1
I've been mulling this over and not sure how I feel about it.
If you have reported your trauma to the police. How do you feel about it now?
If you decided not to, how do you feel about it now?

With me: I never ever thought I would report (nothing to report: all my fault obviously!). But now, I'm thinking about it. I don't at all expect (or even want? I don't know) an outcome. Nothing like a prosection and conviction (I think. But maybe my thinking about this would change too?).
But, I might get some validation by just reporting it? Just having what happened be entered into their police system. It being recorded that I said this happened to me. And then case closed? I might be just happy to be a statistic on their computer?

There are three 'events' by three different people that I'm thinking about. One of them, I have no idea who he was, and it was 27 years ago, so nothing will come of that. (There is no time limit in the UK to report sexual crimes).
The second one, I know his name and that is it. No other contact details. And this event was 30 years ago.
And then the third: he is easily located as he is all over the internet. But he now lives overseas. And no other evidence but my disassociated memory, which I doubt would be likely to secure a conviction.

Am i misguided in thinking it might help with a sense of validation? Perhaps I need to work more internally to give me that sense of validation rather than getting it from reporting to the police?

I haven't spoken about it with my T yet, so think I will.

But wondered if any of you felt able to share your experiences and thoughts on this subject?
 
#3
I feel conflicted here. There are moments I really really wish I had, and moments I am thankful I didn’t. I do wish that I had reported as a child. I just don’t know that my situation would have actually improved because at least here in America- CPS doesn’t have the best track record for anything and my abusers are manipulative as hell and can talk the mercy out of anyone. There were two other incidents as a minor that I could have, should have, reported. But I was conditioned to think things were normal and so I didn’t. And now that so much time has passed, I have no evidence and I can spit on the graves of one of them at least and the others I will get to later. Dynamics in the family have changed a lot since then and that with lack of evidence and my own promiscuous history and just I don’t know. I don’t think I could do it at this point. However I keep whatever eye I can on other children in the family and if I sniff out anything is happening you best believe I will go to town on all of them. Which they are aware of 😉 so they be good. Manipulative I know but I learned from the best.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
#5
I have reported in more than one jurisdiction for Sexual assault.

My very, very strong recommendation is to report with a victim advocate. You can do this in UK. My experience in UK was not great and I think an advocate would have made a big difference.


I also think that reporting for your own peace of mind/ reasons is the only sensible motivation. So good for you. I do not regret my reports - though not one lead to a conviction. I know now that I did what sat right for me. However- it was not without impact on me/ my PTSD. Reporting with an advocate is a much less damaging prospect in my experience.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#6
I tried with some childhood stuff when still a lil kid, didn't work.

Other than that, I tend to roll with the punches, reporting when others are involved and IF that won't endanger the others / after thorough consult with them.

Some other stuff mandatory was wee bit out of my hands and as far as I'm concerned the whole thing can f*ck right off.

Current stuff, I'll see about. I don't trust the professionality of people in whose jurisdiction it falls. On another hand, I'm also super curious about that one, so even for curiosity's sake, curiosity killed the cat.
 
#7
After completing therapy (the first time?) i felt amazing and had the strength to report to the police. They took a basic statement then i had to return to give a full statement and interview which was recorded (filmed). The police were friendly and tried to make it as painless as possible. It was hard though and i went back into therapy for support during the process. Because my abuser had moved abroad it became very complex and not timely. Interpol were involved but the Australian police refused to interview him unless a judge in the uk (where i live) could prove charges ! The Crown Prosecution service investigated and although they found that i was a credible witness because of the law back in the 70s it would be difficult to prove him guilty - so no action taken and he wasnt even visited by the Australian police. How do i feel .... angry, upset , let down - all the feelings of guilt , shame, my fault etc etc all resurfaced. It took a lot of work by myself and my therapist to get through it. Would i do it again ... yes ... its tough though and you have to set realistic expectations- sadly the legal system doesnt always match the moral system !
 
Thread starter #8
Thanks for all your replies and sharing your experiences. It's helpful.

@Chris-duck , yeah. I've been thinking about your current experience. You're so brave and it's you and your situation that has got me thinking actually. Hope you are doing ok. It sounds a really full on process, not only with talking to the police about it all, but all the wider stuff. (For me, I wouldn't tell anyone else other than my partner and a couple of friends , I don't think I would tell my family...but maybe I need to think that through too).

@RubyBlue, yeah I get that. Not manipulative but survival?

@osiris , I'm sorry you were made to report when you weren't ready. That must be hugely traumatic in itself. Hope you doing ok.

@Mee , thanks - I was thinking about reporting it with an advocate. Was looking in to it. I'm also worried it's going to set feelings off again. Which makes me think I shouldn't do it, because nothing is going to come from it. But then I go round in circles with my thinking.

@Ronin, sounds a lot to deal with.

@Missycat , what you describe makes me think that is how I might feel and I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with all that.

Also, I've waited this long waiting a bit long is not going to make any difference!
The event I have the most memory about is the one where I have no idea who he is.
The one I have the least memory about is the one where he is so easily located (but overseas , but in a country that would interview him I think). But I wonder: what if I'm not the only one and other people reported him and they might do a 'job lot' prosecution?
 

Digz

Confident
#9
I've always been conflicted about this too. My biggest issue is that as my abusers were my parents and I have cut them out of my life completely which took considerable doing as they are not good at taking no for an answer, was that reporting the abuse would give them a reason to make contact and try to come into my life again. The other reason I haven't is because the only person who had any knowledge of the abuse other than the abusers is now deceased so I feel like it would just be my word against theirs. On the other hand I sometimes feel like at least the reporting of it would give them the indignity of being interviewed by police and it being on record, which is probably the closest thing to a consequence they would ever get and it does bother me that they get to live their life happily with no consequences. My answer doesn't really give any clarification for you, but just to say that I feel your pain. It's a tricky choice. Whatever you decide I'm sure it is what's right for you.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
#10
I've waited this long waiting a bit long is not going to make any difference!
The event I have the most memory about is the one where I have no idea who he is.
The one I have the least memory about is the one where he is so easily located (but overseas , but in a country that would interview him I think). But I wonder: what if I'm not the only one and other people reported him and they might do a 'job lot' prosecution?
This is a fairing of thought - but prosecution is rare - I think going into it without that hope helps manage expectations . What your report might do is support someone else’s report. Put the person on the radar of law enforcement . It’s not satisfying. The reason I chose was because it made me happier with me- it felt it sat better with my integrity. I had done what I could. And for most of us who choose to report that HAS to be enough.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
#11
I hope you do what is right and healing for you. No one else should be able to judge that. IMHO though, it seems you may have more memories the one around in the vicinity because they are around still...so that alone must be picked up by your radar over the years and strengthened the memory...just my opinion. The one you cannot remember, do you have family members that may shed some light on his identity?

It is painful to carry their shame and issues on you. I do not know about validation and as you mentioned that may ultimately come from your internal strengthening ego to build but one thing that jumps at me about all of this is: it sounds like you were abused as a child and I wonder if they did or still do this to other children. And that alone is worth a trip to the police if nothing else comes out of it, one more complaint and they are picked up! or maybe even one complaint is already in place and yours will be second to confirm another person who was not believed!
 
Thread starter #12
On the other hand I sometimes feel like at least the reporting of it would give them the indignity of being interviewed by police and it being on record, which is probably the closest thing to a consequence they would ever get and it does bother me that they get to live their life happily with no consequences. My answer doesn't really give any clarification for you, but just to say that I feel your pain. It's a tricky choice. Whatever you decide I'm sure it is what's right for yo
Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts. The one abuser who is easy to locate, made me really angry that he was living this seemingly good life, successful, rich, etc life, with no consequence for what he did. So a tiny bit of me felt the way you do: perhaps the embarrassment or annoyance of a visit by the police would put a dent in that for a moment or two.
I'm sorry for what you went through.

What your report might do is support someone else’s report.
This is what I wonder. I can't have been the only one?
I met a school friend when I was in my 20's and she asked me directly if X had assaulted me because he had assaulted her friend when we were children too. (I lied and said no). He was a child then also, when he was doing this, which adds to the complication in one of these 3 events. So I don't know if others have reported or not.

I hope you do what is right and healing for you. No one else should be able to judge that. IMHO though, it seems you may have more memories the one around in the vicinity because they are around still...so that alone must be picked up by your radar over the years and strengthened the memory...just my opinion. The one you cannot remember, do you have family members that may shed some light on his identity?

It is painful to carry their shame and issues on you. I do not know about validation and as you mentioned that may ultimately come from your internal strengthening ego to build but one thing that jumps at me about all of this is: it sounds like you were abused as a child and I wonder if they did or still do this to other children. And that alone is worth a trip to the police if nothing else comes out of it, one more complaint and they are picked up! or maybe even one complaint is already in place and yours will be second to confirm another person who was not believed!
Sadly my family would be no help at all.
Yes, I was a child: aged 11, then 15 and then 16 when those events happened. The aged 11 one - he was my age (so complicated, because he must have been abused to have done it). Aged 15 - I lied about my age, but must have been obvious. Aged 16 - I was over the age of consent. So complicated.

Part of me thinks I'm not strong enough to deal with any of it, even if it never went further than meeting a police officer to give a statement. I'd prefer not to talk to anyone and just write it down and be done with it.
I'm worried the police will make decisions regardless of what I want. So not sure I will get some power back in this or not.
 
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