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Sexual Assault Repressed memories, therapy advice

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For the last 6 years I haven't been allowing myself to acknowledge the memories or signs of abuse as a child. Recently I've been experiencing some triggers, and I know that something happened but I am not 100% sure of what did.
I just want answers, as to why I feel this way or why someone makes me feel this way. I want to uncover my memories so that I can finally move on from something I've been living with for years. Although I don't really want to pay the money for a T, I am still young and on my parents insurance and don't necessarily want my family to know that I think something happened. Does anybody have any recommendations as to how I can find a T that would maybe work with me under the table or for free, or even an outlet that is not a T. Would greatly appreciate responses and/or advice for how to start this journey of breaking free.
 
Reading and research helps-- van der kolk and Levine are great. Levine has a book with CD that may be helpful.
Support groups for survivors of abuse can be good starting points.
Ultimately you will need a therapist. If you are insured you can't see someone on your insurance panel w/o running the treatment sessions through the insurance or they (tx) and you would be committing fraud. That said your diagnoses and treatment notes are not going to be accessible by your parents (unless you give specific consent to release these to your parents). But the cpt codes (used to bill for services provided) for psychotherapy, for evaluation and mgmt (if seeing an MD), for testing-- those would be visible to the primary subscriber on the acct. so that means a general code to describe how the time was used, free of diagnosis would be visible on the EOB.
A good therapist should be able to explain this and reduce your fears. People see therapists to get over a bad breakup, to identify career goals, to learn coping skills to manage anxiety. Where do you imagine this possible abuse impacting/limiting you in your present life? How are you "not moving on"? Those questions may give you direction for your recovery and may also provide a less contentious explanation to your parents about your decision to seek therapy.
For example, "I was feeling really blocked over whether I wanted to continue to work in retail or look into a specialized program for weaving natural textiles, and a friend suggested therapy to help me make up my mind."
We can't force memory recovery. In my experience many block memories involving betrayal traumas until we are stable and secure enough to hear (from our younger hurt selves) what they needed to hide to stay alive. Respect both the drive to forget and the desire to remember, and solve the puzzle. Therapy to build up your resources is great groundwork.
 
There are many therapists who don't take insurance and use a sliding scale based on income. Try that route and see if you find one who will work with you.

The previous poster is 100% correct that you cannot force memories. My sister began uncovering repressed memories of sexual abuse by our father about 18 years ago. It was a complete surprise to me and I was worried for a long time that I had repressed memories of something. I have a history of sexual abuse by a neighbor that I've been in therapy for for years. I was completely confident by now that nothing had happened with my father. After four years of pretty intensive therapy I would have had some indication by now, you'd think. About two months ago u started having body memories which I originally attributed to the abuse by my neighbor. Turns out that my father did abuse me in some really horrific ways and it was so repressed that it took until I was 47 years old and had been in rehab, therapy, etc. before it unearthed itself. I had always felt something was missing from my story. And I desperately wanted to know what for so long. But the memories waited til they were ready to surface. So you can't force them. And when they do surface, it is very, very difficult.
I hope you are able to find a therapist who can help you!
 
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