Resisting the urge to run and coping badly


I'm so triggered which I haven't been in a while, it's like I'm in a haze. But at least for a while it was a functioning haze, I wasn't that triggered just a bit upset. A friend is having a hard time and I was being a good friend. After some days on my own, because I have lots of work something else set me off and the haze broke.

This week, it's hit a new level. I've went to bed in pagamas super early and too extra emergency and sleep meds twice in a row. Doing anything is a struggle. Being out of bed is a struggle. I work in 20min bit and if I manage 2 h a day the past days it's an accomplishment. Since yesterday I can't count how much I've cried. So much that it's genuinely exahsuting. A part of me wants to just follow the month the way it was going. Do what I have to do. Follow the good life I have been working so hard to build, show up to the things I've worked so hard to have people's trust in me. And then there is the part of me that can't stop crying.

The part of me that wants of break and tear everything I own because I can't stand it anymore. I'm not the same person and it's like all that I build, this nice life, can't handle this darkness. It's what I've done in bad moments. Cry, harm, drink, maybe smoke, haven't in 10 years and it's not my cup pf teat, but hey, maybe I'll feel something. To avoid that, do the other things. Change my hairstyle and color (not enough hair for that), reorganize my space, and just throw everything in disarray because I feel n disarray and I can't handle people seeing it or worse, NOT seeing it, like I'm a puppet, like this hasn't been what I've been fighting for all along. I've been poor and I've been broken and it's taken me so long to start creating a home, getting to know people and letting them really know me. I don't want to throw this away but I'm not sure how much I can take of this feeling, and of the crying to be honest. It's so tirirng and I was already running low on energy.

But the thing is the image in my head from the trigger, the sensations, the flashes, they are not going away. They come and go in waves and it's been 24 hours. Maybe more. There is calming and then the next wave hits. I was supposed to do so much since new year until this weekend and now it's just... now this s happening and I CAN"T. I don't know how to stop. After several days of being 10% productive, I rescheduled some things, updated work that I've hit health issue again and I'm getting back on my feet. I've answered the most urgent friend messages, I've pushed someone ahead, I let my dance mentor I'm not at my best (actually she was the only one I was pretty open with) and so I'm still going the weekend but I'm not sure how I'll do, and she's okay with stopping if I have to and so on so I trust her. But I'm still filled with shame. For not coping with this when I was just a little stressed, that it got to... well, this. And I can't turn back time, and I'm trying not to overhaul all my efforts, but everything feels bland right now. Everything normal. It's like the world has shifted and it's all upsiode down.


am i remembering right that you work at home and live alone? could the core issue be isolation? how often do you interact with other humans?

just wondering. . . in my own herstory, isolation can give me symptoms similar to what you have described here.


Actually, l go to ballet, sometimes I work in cafes or study languages with a friend, I have BFF in the same city,and quite a few other friends... glad to report my social circle is usually pretty good finally, after 4y of working on it.

Though I admit, ballet has had holiday vacation, my BFF is going through something horrible so I've been there for her and I got so concerned on the deadline that I did really isolate a bit this week.

But it's also that flashback,messes with my head, like I shouldn't see people so I don't randomly brak in front of them. Because I want to feel like myself and instead I have this feeling like myself from 10 years ago is looking at me and asking, how did you let it get this bad before fixing it? Also I've done the whole barely functioning thing when this began and I'm definitely ... I don't want to repeat.

Weird thing is, the people I told today cause they had to know that I'm few days behind...they were all kind and understanding, mors than I have been to myself for few days. Feels like my non religious self got a bit of a redemption. Unexpected kindness. I'm stunned. I really have built something good here. Quiestion is, what is my best way to recover now? It seems there are more people believing in me than I thought. So I need myself back. For them. For me... that picture hunting me, I'll have to do so something about it... I don't know yet was a nightmare and I'm exhausted of the crying. I need a change.


New Here
That sounds really hard. Flashbacks are #rude!! Sometimes validation goes a long way for me: e.g. this feels hard because it is hard. I feel stressed bc I am stressed. Midday bath, a walk outside w/ lo fi music, coloring... I stack things from my list, knowing my central nervous system is disregulated, and continue another stack after that. Next I might check in with a friend, journal, eat take out and make a short plan for the morning of to-do's. Then a comfort movie/show and early bed time. I hope this helps. Sending support 💛