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Responsible for the World

Thread starter #1
Otherwise known as codependency on steroids.

I feel this deep sense of needing to “fix” all of the things wrong. I know this has got to be related to the fact that I was always the fixer growing up and even now. I’m the one who settles fights, gives advice, is almost entirely depended on to right any wrongs in the family. And at this point I don’t know how not to. It’s so ingrained. It comes out when talking to friends, coworkers, bosses. If someone is upset (doesn’t matter if I caused it or even have any power to change it) it becomes my job to fix it. With everything going on that drive has been heightened and I feel powerless and I don’t know what to do with myself or how to get rid of this feeling and just be okay with situations. I know I’m supposed to accept that I can’t change everything, I can’t even affect everything, but I want to. I need to. Or I’m a complete failure and don’t deserve to be here.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#2
Relate, hard...

Something that helps me with this one?

My lil corner of the world *is* the world, too. (And butterfly effect ;) For good things. Pick up a wrapper off the ground? Save someone falling on it. Someone not falling on it means that someone doesn't need go to the doctor. And may not get in a traffic accident in an ambulance. And so on and so on.

Little things save lives.)

Two, not deserving to live if not useful / doing it all? Flip that around.

I need to live while I *learn* how to be useful / do right.

I'm not allowed to kill kids in my code, unless absolutely necessary, nor students of any age...

And if I'm studying how the f*ck do I do 'life' right, I'm in the position of both. Curious kid & a learner. Both to be protected. Same vigor 'all cost / most I can do'.

Besides, free will...

The world at mess instead of orderly means people get to do what they want, and other people prevent / stop / alter it as their conscience & calling dictates them best.

If I just jumped in and saved the day for good, I would be keeping other people from exercising their free will.

And I'd rather not be a nasty dictator with a fine sounding justification like that.
 
Thread starter #4
Relate, hard...

Something that helps me with this one?

My lil corner of the world *is* the world, too. (And butterfly effect ;) For good things. Pick up a wrapper off the ground? Save someone falling on it. Someone not falling on it means that someone doesn't need go to the doctor. And may not get in a traffic accident in an ambulance. And so on and so on.

Little things save lives.)

Two, not deserving to live if not useful / doing it all? Flip that around.

I need to live while I *learn* how to be useful / do right.

I'm not allowed to kill kids in my code, unless absolutely necessary, nor students of any age...

And if I'm studying how the f*ck do I do 'life' right, I'm in the position of both. Curious kid & a learner. Both to be protected. Same vigor 'all cost / most I can do'.

Besides, free will...

The world at mess instead of orderly means people get to do what they want, and other people prevent / stop / alter it as their conscience & calling dictates them best.

If I just jumped in and saved the day for good, I would be keeping other people from exercising their free will.

And I'd rather not be a nasty dictator with a fine sounding justification like that.
Thank you, I’ve been mulling over this today and frankly it’s a brilliant perspective and I need to practice it.
 
#5
I relate to this a lot @Annalyn78. The pandemic has also got me in overgear too. Part of my backstory is that my dad attempted suicide when I was 11 after he convinced me that his survival and happiness depended on me doing everything he asked of me (he was disabled and sadistic). I realized about a decade ago that all these years, I blamed myself for his near death. I thought I caused his attempted death by not doing enough.

In any case, I'm a load of fun to be around when things need to get done. But joking aside, the most helpful thing for me in terms of this issue of feeling responsible for everyone was to read Codependent No More by Beattie. Someone on this forum recommended it to me after reading posts of mine. It was super helpful in helping to see my patterns and getting me to pause a little before jumping into help.
 
#6
Here you. I feel the same.

What I've done is practical things to *fix* the problem of me fixing everything! For example, letting family members know: I'm not available to help on certain things at the moment and lined up my sister's to take over (not something they are used to doing, but given that we are all in our 40's it's about time they tried!). So I have made a back up plan and am hoping they stick to it. Fixing problem fixed for a little while! At least that one is.
I'm not sure this is the correct way to deal with it, or the healthy way, but it's lifted off some pressure.
 
#7
I am struggling with this as well. Something that has helped me in the past is practicing mindful self compassion - there is a website called centre for mindful self compassion, if you go to the practice tab on the website they have a guided meditation especially for caregivers that was very powerful for me to do.

Another thing that has helps me shift from I must save everyone to I can work with people to improve things is to work on gratitude for all the people out there who are doing so much to make things better. If you're strolling through social media and see a post that feels helpful, or an admirable or brave action, try to focus on the person that did that action , and bring up feelings of gratitude for them and stay with that feeling for a minute before moving on.

Other than that, i am assuming that by everything going on you mean the BLM protests, if not you can ignore the following-

identify what you can do realistically and do that, social media accounts for activists, esp black activists provide a lot of action steps that may be relevant to your locality (donations care packages reading). After you have established what you can do/ can't do and made a plan, try to disengage.

Connect with news and social media if you feel the drive to but set a time limit for when you will go to something grounding /body based - could be washing your face, stretching making tea anything to break the flow of thoughts around a certain topic.

I hope some of this helps...lol I am now done from work so will now try to not get sucked into the social media rabbit hole. I am very far away (different continent) So can't really do much.
 
#8
I used to want to fix many of the world's problems. I wanted to stop all the violence in the world and turn all scam artists into nice, honest people.

And even to this day, I wish that I could do those things.
 
#9
I'm not responsible for the world or it's problems. I've given up on being a saviour of situations. My good work failed and brought me nothing than despair. I still try and be a good person but I hold no responsibility for this world. It's a shame but that's how I feel.
 
#10
Otherwise known as codependency on steroids.

I feel this deep sense of needing to “fix” all of the things wrong. I know this has got to be related to the fact that I was always the fixer growing up and even now. I’m the one who settles fights, gives advice, is almost entirely depended on to right any wrongs in the family. And at this point I don’t know how not to. It’s so ingrained. It comes out when talking to friends, coworkers, bosses. If someone is upset (doesn’t matter if I caused it or even have any power to change it) it becomes my job to fix it. With everything going on that drive has been heightened and I feel powerless and I don’t know what to do with myself or how to get rid of this feeling and just be okay with situations. I know I’m supposed to accept that I can’t change everything, I can’t even affect everything, but I want to. I need to. Or I’m a complete failure and don’t deserve to be here.
I found fixing as creating dependence on me-but it also sometimes crossed boundaries because I wasn't asked.....it was unsolicited, When I left the dysfunction home of 25 years,....which I spent every waking hour trying to fix or keep situations from breaking-worse than they were, I realized my purpose in life got kinda vague. I was always focused on everyone else...not me. When you spend your life doing the eggshell dance, and then there's no one there and no need to walk on egg shells....it's downright uncomfortable. Leaving the dysfunctional members put me in a quandary.....I didn't have a purpose. So, when I'd find a likely person to fix, or feel like calling someone I knew was needy.....so I could fill my role, and de-stress, I ended up asking myself these questions during the first 2 years away from the dysfunctional family:

Is this my problem to fix? If your answer is no, not really, or probably not- don't do it. Say NO.
Did they ask for my help? If your answer is no, don't do it. If they didn't ask you.....let them grow up and figure it out.
Am I crossing any boundaries, enabling, or creating dependency if I help? If /possible/maybe/yes, don't do it. Creating dependency makes you a fixer for life. Then when you say NO, you become the mean bad guy....you changed......
Will fixing this situation create an unbalanced relationship (fixer-needy person)? If maybe/yes, don't do it. Healthy relationships have give and take in about equal amounts across time....unhealthy relationships have give...give....give....and the other person....take, take...take... and the fixer almost always gives way more than they get.

This has worked in keeping my new relationships healthier and more balanced and I severed all the unhealthy ones. While there are different kinds of help (driving a friend to the pharmacy) vs letting them move in......without an end date (yeah, no) I kind of went cold turkey on not helping others for a while. You know what happened....they are still well and alive without my help!

Healthy people I hang with now don't leach off of me.....the unhealthy ones expected me to fix their problems, spend $ on them, lend money in jam after jam, not tell someone something they wanted to keep a secret-not my job to be go between, and be peacemaker, etc. Life is so much simpler when fixing isn't seen by the people I'm now hanging with as my primary job.

What to do in transition. Make a list of fun things you currently like to do, and a list of things you'd like to learn to do, and a bucket list (this is all about you and getting your own needs met). The list can be as creative as you like.....write out a schedule....and when you feel the need...be prepared with what you need and go do something on the list. Redirection was a huge piece in changing the fixer behavior from someone else....to meeting my own needs....which I had totally neglected.
 
#11
The entire reason I stopped watching the news is that I cannot clean up the cesspools of life; it isn't my responsibility (but that I don't have to add to them). Still I am learning that I can do little things that if enough of us do, can change the world. Which is great but there is a difference in taking responsibility for what I can do and what I believe I must do.

One of the greatest epiphanies that I had in therapy was that I was not responsible for my parents or my siblings even tho I had taken responsibility for them. Anyways I can relate to feeling responsible for the world as I struggle with the core belief that everything wrong with world is my fault. I need to take a good look at this belief as I am only an ordinary human being and do not have super powers.

oopsie was not ready to post this...just wanted to say that I can relate and that I really need to examine again why it is that I think it is my responsibility to fix everything.
 
#12
The entire reason I stopped watching the news is that I cannot clean up the cesspools of life; it isn't my responsibility (but that I don't have to add to them). Still I am learning that I can do little things that if enough of us do, can change the world. Which is great but there is a difference in taking responsibility for what I can do and what I believe I must do.

One of the greatest epiphanies that I had in therapy was that I was not responsible for my parents or my siblings even tho I had taken responsibility for them. Anyways I can relate to feeling responsible for the world as I struggle with the core belief that everything wrong with world is my fault. I need to take a good look at this belief as I am only an ordinary human being and do not have super powers.

oopsie was not ready to post this...just wanted to say that I can relate and that I really need to examine again why it is that I think it is my responsibility to fix everything.
Yep...the news really screws with my head....so I limit it. You and I are not responsible for the world, only our own little piece of it. 😊
 
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