Retrauma and bad experiences help

Rudolf

New Here
Hi all, can you please help me with some advice, I am 29 years old, I have been treated for CPTSD for over 5 years, at first I was treated for avoidant and dependent personality disorder, but then the doctor said I have a lot of developmental trauma, and I have a complex trauma. I have been treated with a schema therapist and my traumas have not been treated at all because I can talk about them and feel nothing, like I am detached from them. The doctor tried a lot, hundreds of times, over the course of 5 years, we tried to work on the injuries, but all to nothing, I only got worse and my defenses didn't loosen up. And the doctor decided to consult with the schema therapy institute, and they recommended a fast-track protocol, 20 sessions in a row, 2-3 traumas each session, and they said it would overcome the dissociation. But after that I stopped eating, shaving, washing, lost my cognitive skills, and I haven't been back for 1.5 years. It felt like I went crazy after that. I lost my smells, my tastes, and never came back. I can hardly even use my phone anymore. I have heard of such cases, but what do I do now? I have amnesia now, too. Now I am looking for a new therapist, and I found one, EMDR, and he suggests going into trauma, after the 2nd session, I am afraid I will just lose my mind or kill myself. What do you do in these situations?
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
I would hope that this new therapist will listen when you say it is too much. Do lots of resourcing and learning on self care that you can do during and after the sessions. Pace yourself at the rate that you can handle and communicate it with your new T. Never give up! I think that when you find the right person you will at least be able to start living your life. Also, do you take medication?
 

Rudolf

New Here
Thank you for responding, I was previously on duloxetine for 7 years, now I am off the meds, I thought my numbness was from them, but it turns out not. I'm afraid that EMDR is now going to kill me, as I don't even remember my injuries at all, and now my memory has supplanted everything to survive, including even the smells and tastes in everyday life. But I don't know what would help me now. I don't know what to do in cases like mine, when there's a lot of trauma and very strong dissociation.
 
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Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
@Rudolf I hear that the recovery coming off of that med is really hard. Did they not give you another med to help you adjust in the process? Depending how long it has been, I wonder if you might need some medication help to deal with the withdrawal?
 

Rudolf

New Here
Thanks guys for the answers, I'm just very lost in treatment right now, and in my journey in general. And yes, I'm often going to die, as I believe I can't be cured, and I can't live like this, it's life in hell. But I keep fighting. I haven't taken pills for a year now because I'm not good with pharma, I'm very sensitive to it, the only thing that worked was Duloxetine, after that I switched to Ixel, but after the trauma bombardment through dissociation, something changed in my mind, and Duloxetine stopped working.
I'm afraid to go to EMDR now since I don't even have trauma memory, and I have no energy at all. I've heard that many people need a certain age for trauma, is it the same for me? Maybe I'm too psychologically immature for my traumas? why can't I process them, or even touch them. I could always remember them, I could talk about them, but I couldn't get into the same feelings. My first doctor was very good, but even he couldn't get into my trauma access. We could talk about traumas, go into them, but I was like behind glass from them.
 

Rudolf

New Here
Hi @Survivor3
how old are you now? Have you been looking for a healing path for a long time?
The thing is, I generally come from a very dysfunctional family, and on top of that at age 17, a couple of months apart, I got beaten up by a bunch of people 2 times. And after that I was cut off from life, I stopped going out. After those 2 beatings, the street became dangerous for me, and I've been living in avoidance of home for 12 years now. But as we found out with my first doctor, these beatings are not the root cause, but the root cause is my authoritarian, anxious mother. I want to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I want to feel improvement for the first time already. And I'm confused now about Pete Walker's information, Kolk, etc. With what directions have you felt improvement? EMDR?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I'm over 40. Never done emdr. Just normal counselling. Eating well, resting and processing things that I talk about in counselling. I have one of Pete walkers books but haven't finished it. I also stopped smoking and drinking alcohol nearly a year ago. My family used to be very dysfunctional but it's better now. There are still issues. I don't see my dad. They say that the best revenge is "good" living.
 

Rudolf

New Here
The only family I have left alive is my mother, we call her once a month, but she activates my wounded part. And in general, she doesn't understand me very well. After trying to work through the traumas involving her, she now makes me feel terribly threatened. And in general, after these unsuccessful attempts to work through traumas, I have become even more withdrawn. I have no friends. I've been in touch with one messenger buddy for a couple of years, he's from out of town, and he's also in therapy. Now I work in a warehouse, where I don't have much contact with people when dissociation weakens. Before psychotherapy, I played sports, read books, went to the movies sometimes. Then, when I got worse and worse, I gave it all up.
 
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