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Revenge - Infatuation or Therapeudic?

Discussion in 'General' started by love2hate, Jun 3, 2007.

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  1. love2hate

    love2hate New Member

    I know that infatuation with revenge is common here but is it ever therapeutic to actually get revenge?

    About a year ago, I tried to rekindle a relationship with my mother who was complaisant in the abuse I suffered and spectacularly negligent in her responsibilities as a mother. I hadn't talked to her for 15 years.

    Contacting her caused me severe distress. I suffered an almost continuous panic attack for 6 days. For 3 days before and 3 days after. Over the next year things went up and down but a clear pattern emerged.

    She was never going to take responsibility for what she (didn't) do. Repeatedly asking for "forgiveness" demanding it really - expecting it. She also repeatedly suggested that I needed forgiveness for what I did from the ages of 2-14. This caused me severe distress and more panic attacks that severely damaged my personal relationships and business.

    Eventually, I had had enough and starting about a week ago I tried my very best to incite her to commit suicide. I am not a fool and knew very well what I was doing and tried to be very shrewd and effective in my efforts. I also made attempts to disrupt her own personal relationships and work.

    Now I am being threatened with prosecution. At first, I said I was sorry, this caused me to sink into a deep depression and I almost killed myself.

    After coming to this form, I read that what she did was typical and was genuinely shocked. I have now rescinded my apology and sent her all the telephone numbers she might need for prosecution saying that I would love to get my day in court.

    I realize that my behavior is extremely self-destructive but the alternative is also very self-destructive. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.
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  3. anthony

    anthony Donate To Keep MyPTSD Founder

    I would actually disagree with you, in that most people who come here are not seeking revenge, but more seeking answers. Revenge is an indicative term in which some confuse it with such terms as "justice" and the like. Because a man rapes a woman, does the woman want "revenge" or does the woman want "justice" for that mans actions? Justice is often the correct term, in that revenge is "eye for an eye" type thinking, ie. I want them to now be raped and see how they feel; which often leads to no self satisfaction for themselves at all, but instead more displeasure. Often all a person asks is for the correct "justice" to be served, ie. man rapes woman, man is prosecuted and sent to jail for their action; not let off through some technicality or legal loophole.

    One is revenge, one is justice, distinct difference. Revenge is illegal, justice is legal.

    This is revenge, thus making it illegal. You are choosing to seek revenge believing it will make you feel better, when in fact you will often find it won't make things better at all for yourself, instead your mind will eventually catchup with you in the correct sense of the act, being you are attempting manslaughter or like act, being you are "intentionally" acting in a way for someone to die, though you are not actually commiting the act yourself, ie. shooting her. Basically, you are giving her the motive, which will see you behind bars, not her; and you would deserve to be behind bars for such an act. Revenge is not the key to helping yourself....

    If you want revenge, then you do so at your own peril, none of which will you gather support from this forum; though if you want justice, then there are ways and means for you to do this yourself, and you know the ways and means, you just have to be willing to try, ie. seek legal advice. If the legal system finds her not guilty, then you have to still deal with it, if they find her guilty, you still have to deal with it. Either way, YOU have to come to terms with the pain at some point, then your actions.

    Finding what your really angry about and dealing with that is often the key... not seeking revenge.
  4. love2hate

    love2hate New Member


    First of all I feel a lot of anger and even hate from some of your posts. (Not to me personally), and I wonder why. It seems a bit to me like someone in a McDonald's hating hamburgers... at little pointless or... missing the point. I want to make it clear that I am not attacking you and you may have very good reasons why you are angry. But I will not necessarily grant you poetic licence just because your logic is sound as it was in your angry posts about the overly high expectations of this forums members (they are hamburgers after all... coming here for help - help they never got. So by definition, their hopes must be very high.) Logic is a very blunt instrument - Socratic speech is proof of that.

    You speak of justice (and seem to accuse me of knowing how to get - if that were true I would not be seeking revenge) I wonder what you mean? Is there legal recompense that I can expect? For things that happened over 20 years ago? I seriously doubt it. There is no justice. Furthermore I have absolutely NO respect for the legal system that did nothing for me except look the other way.

    Incarcerating me will only fuel the fire.

    And I also disagree with your difinition of revenge. An "eye for an eye" is justice. Taking both her eyes and her ears too is revenge.
  5. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    LOL I don't think I've ever been called a hamburger... maybe that's what I should draw for my next avatar.

    Okay seriously I have a question though. Assuming I did want to take revenge on the person who traumatized me - being my father - how would I go about doing so, considering he's deceased? I mean I suppose I could go piss on his grave or something, but I doubt that would make any difference to him seeing as he's already dead and won't feel it. It would be kind of silly, don't think it would give me any relief in the long term. This sounds lame but since I started working on myself, I think the best "revenge" is trying to heal and live my life well, and make life better for the people around me, my family, friends, and any future spouse or children I may have. I can't fix the whole world but I can try to make my small part of it a little better. I don't have to be consumed by resentment over what my father did. If I was then really he's winning and still has control over my life.
  6. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

    What someone in a hospital once told me...."Living well is the best revenge" .......GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
  7. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

    I don't think about revenge at all as an answer, I try to live in peace now. Sure I have anger issues too and I put on my "I don't give a shit" face to people sometimes but intentionally hurting someone is not my game. You are just feeding the fire if you take the revenge route. Your mother or father abused you, you get revenge and abuse them, you get thrown in jail they win, somehow that doesn't seem very intelligent. As for Anthony, he doesn't bullshit around it is good to get straight answers from someone, all to often therapist don't do that so it is good to hear it from someone like us, same with veiled and everyone else here, someone will call your bullshit.
  8. I was in rage and hate the first two years of my independance . I was in therapy thank goodness. But I obsessed on revenge.
    But the thing is the obsessing made me ill and feeling guilty. It was an obstacle in my getting better. And it was one way the perpetrators had rented space in my brain to control me througth fear and anger without lifting a finger.
    I did learn i did not have to forgive. But to do revenge or obsess on it would hurt no one but me and vindicate them as " SEE" we have a psycho on our hands " And they would get sympathy and support and protection from those who should have proscecuted the jerks back when I was a kid.

    By my getting better and on my feet I guilted the parental units. And they have no claim on me. They may present their own fairy tale world of how things were and how it is now. But those who know are not fooled and the fear and isolation is no longer mine but theirs.

    But the anger was part of my learning to heal.. Acting on it would have destroyed me and the perps would have won. .

    This was my experience and may not be relevant at all.
    Nora in Colorado
  9. Jet

    Jet Well-Known Member

    My father died when I was 10, for most of my life he was completely bedridden. My mother was an alcoholic/drug addict who couldn't put down her bottle long enough to worry about her own kids. Our world was violent and scary on many different levels.

    My mother and I were never close. She made it that way - wanting me to be cold and unfeeling. She created and gave me the mask I have worn almost everyday of my life.

    As an adult every relationship I have ever been in has been abusive...and I was not the only one who suffered. I have 4 beautiful and amazing children and each of them has paid a far bigger price then I did. It is entirely possible that at least one of them will hate me for it.

    Who should I hate? My mother...she neglected and abused me...yet we are more alike then not. She had lived her own hell with an end result that is not unlike my own - PTSD. Like all of us she was simply trying to survive, to get by in a world where even waking up in the morning hurt.

    What about my son's dad...he was abusive and manipulative. My son's first two word sentance was a question...Daddy punch? He was 16 monthes old. He had his first breakdown at 16...and had depression issues the entire time I knew him.

    Then there is my next ex, the father of my oldest and middle daughter. He would be easy to hate. He was extremely abusive...the middle child was concieved through rape. I don't know what his mental health issues were but he definately had them. He spent more time in and out of the hospital than anyone I have ever known.

    And then there is Phycho Boy...my third ex and father to my youngest daughter. He kept us locked in a house for 3 years. He stalked me for several more (possibly is still looking for me but I am at the point where I really don't care anymore). He beat us, killed our pets, sexually assaulted me and possible my girls. Should I hate him...or should I hate his father, who beat his mom and all of the kids (killed the baby), molested them all, held a shot gun to his 4 year olds head and pulled the trigger (it misfired) , made the family doberman attack him and rip off half his face...but what about his dad's dad who beat and sexually assaulted his disabled child.

    Several years ago, in a parenting support group I and the group were asked if we knew what an hairloom was. Of course everyone said the obvious things...Grandmas silver, Grandpa's watch, etc... Anger, violence, and hatred are hairlooms too... Passed down through the generations they spread like the cancer they are.
  10. ryair

    ryair Active Member

    Hi everyone!
    This thread has brought to mind something I was recently told......
    Resentment is swallowing poison, hoping the other person dies.
    I figure this applies to revenge as well.:cool:
    Any action taken by yourself to harm in any way another human being is not going to be rewarded with warm fuzzy feelings. And when sanity finally prevails, the only person you have damaged is yourself.
    Given all the energy and effort being put into the other person, you are truely doing yourself an injustice by not putting all that energy and effort into yourself.
    Just my thoughts....
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