Roommate Problems, Again

[Casey_03]

So after my roommate unceremoniously allowed a random person to stay in our flat (during my pregnancy), I had a talk with him and thought the situation was resolved. I wanted to throw him out but decided against it for financial reasons. Now another situation is brewing and I honestly can't tell if I'm overreacting -- some of my friends say I am, some say I'm not. This roommate is suddenly having a lot of random friends visit. The other day, he had a male friend stay over and was courteous enough to warn me in advance. It wasn't a problem, they weren't loud and the friend left early the next morning. But now, this morning, my roommate crept out of the flat very early, at about 6 a.m. I noticed that he shut my door before leaving, which struck me as strange, cause he never does that. So I got suspicious and figured "Uh oh, maybe he's trying to sneakily bring someone back?" I was right. He soon came back with some other random person and they went into his room. Again, it's not as if they are being loud or anything, in fact they're quiet as can be, but I'm weirded out by the fact that he shut my door in an apparent bid to keep me from noticing. And I worry because he is all into couch surfing. For those of you who don't know who that is, it's when you meet travelers and backpackers online and either let them stay at your place or ask to stay at theirs. I know the girl who stayed here was not a "couch surfer," but I'm beginning to wonder if these other people are. And if they are, that's really scary, that I am about to give birth and there are complete randomers in my flat. The problem is, it's not as if he is forbidden from having guests over. I can't throw him out for another month, and apparently the little talk I had with him didn't help things at all, it just made him start trying to conceal things. Is there anything I can do short of throwing him out? This makes me so uncomfortable.

 

[Friday]

Shutting the door early in the morning seems like a considerate act... To keep him and guest from waking you (failed).

But the flophouse? Inviting strangers that even HE hasn't met into YOUR home? Nope. Zero tolerance policy there, for me. And that's even before you have a baby to protect from perverts and whack jobs.

Some people don't think you can rape babies. The concept doesn't even enter their heads. I'd have a very graphic conversation about finger penetration through the leg of a diaper with your flat mate... And brin home how some "innocent" remark online to these "backpackers" about "if you don't mind the noise of a baby crying at night" just lights up a flashing neon sign for pedophiles & predators. And that's before you account for the price of a healthy baby on the black market is 25k-100k.

Zero tolerance.

But that's me.

Home is sanctuary, or it's not home. It's just someplace I'm staying.

 

[Stickler]

I would toss him.
Get a more trustable roomie.

It would be ok if it was just you, for him to do that?
Having random strangers around a baby? Noooo.
Not just safety reasons, germs and very young infants don't mix.

That's my take.

 

[Casey_03]

@Stickler @FridayJones The thing is, he's moving out when the baby is born, so he's not going to be living here when the baby is here. We've already agreed on that. But he's still here for the next month, and I am due in May but could theoretically go into labor at any time now. I can't kick him out a month early or I won't have money to pay for the delivery costs. So I don't know what I can do to prevent this, especially if he's being sneaky (and he was being sneaky with the door thing, because he knows I am already up and working at that time ... that's what made the door thing all the more bizarre, because I was literally sitting at my desk working and he would've noticed that, but he still closed the door as quietly as he could. He could've also said, "Hey, someone is coming over" or given me some warning, but instead it seemed like he was just trying to keep me from noticing ... He also hid the guy's shoes when they came back ... ) If I can't throw him out, and I've already had a talk with him, I have no idea what options are left .... It seems like my little talk with him just prompted him to be sneakier ...

 

[Stickler]

:( Damn, I don't know either. He's being a douchebag.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

To me from what you have shared, something shady is going on and at this vulnerable time in your life you do need to feel safe in your own home. I have no advice, and I am sorry about this but something weird seems to be going on.

 

[digger]

This roommate is suddenly having a lot of random friends visit.

When you say he's having a lot of friends to visit, do you mean in addition to the two you've mentioned, or is it just these two that are bothering you?

I can understand your worry after the recent situation, and I know you had the conversation after that, but if this...

it's not as if he is forbidden from having guests over

...still stands after that conversation, then maybe he doesn't consider having a friend stay overnight as the same thing, and perhaps his being sneaky about it is his way of trying to be considerate, especially after the thing with the unwelcome house guest, and trying to not bother you with it? Not saying that that is what is happening, but it is one possibility.

and I've already had a talk with him, I have no idea what options are left .

When you say you've had the talk with him, what did you actually agree on after the talk about having friends in the house? If it was that he wasn't to have anyone to stay at all, then clearly he's taking the piss, but if it was that you didn't want a repeat of the previous situation then he may not see what he's doing as being a repeat of that.

I think a frank talk about couch surfing and whether that's what is happening is needed? I think you have every right to say no to that. If that's not what is happening and he's just having friends over, I think that's a different thing.

 

[Casey_03]

@gizmo Thanks. Yes, it's precisely the fact that this all just feels weird that is bothering me so much .... ugh @digger I see your point, and I agree with it -- in any normal roommate situation, what he's doing would not be considered inappropriate, and he probably doesn't realize that I think it is, so I don't think he's intentionally being a douche. But I guess I shouldn't use the word "friends", and that's the real issue here, is that the people he's having around are people he's only just met or only knows from online. That's the bit that weirds me out. But otherwise, yeah, it's only been these two people recently ... so three people in the past month. After the talk, I asked him to give me warning whenever he planned on having a friend stay over, and he did that with one of the two recent friends ... but not in the incident this morning. I guess I may be on edge a bit more about all this just because that previous experience with the girl staying here much longer than expected ... but you're right, i will have a talk with him, or maybe send him an email saying couch surfing guests aren't welcome and I need notice when any friends will be staying over. Might be better to have it in writing just in case. in the meantime i am distracting myself with some very aggressive nesting .... revamping my entire room, throwing stuff out and ordering tons of cleaning supplies. That will just have to do as a way to calm me down right now! Thank you everyone for responding.

 

[Fadeaway]

The strangers make me wonder if there is drug involvement or other types of activities going on.

 

[hodge]

I wonder about that, too, Fade.

Even if drugs are not involved, you need a calm sanitary place for your baby. The visitors might be quiet, but it's still a disruption to your home. And I would be extremely nervous about the ones he just met online or elsewhere.

I really hope things work out and he and friends are gone by the time baby comes.

 

[digger]

couch surfing guests aren't welcome and I need notice when any friends will be staying over.

These are both completely reasonable requests.

 

[Sideways]

I think the fact that he didn't ask your ok to have the second freeloader round opens up your options a bit. Like,
"Hey you know I'm not cool with people staying over from our last talk, and you said you'd always clear it with me first. But now you're not, so I'm gonna have to pull the plug on this whole 'people staying over' thing. It's really not okay with me."

He changed the rules. So go ahead and change the rules again. He's only got a few weeks to go, he can manage that without friends staying over.

My concern is that you laid down the law for him ("check with me first") and he's decided it's okay to ignore that. You've laid down the law about when he moves out. How rock solid are you that he won't decide to ignore that agreement as well?

It doesn't need to be an aggressive confrontation. Just lay down the rules and let him know that this stuff really does have to be non-negotiable.