Rorster Trauma Diary

Rorster93

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Hello..I'm starting a trauma diary for exposure therapy and to also tell about my experiences since I have a hard time sharing in person to others. My experiences include rape and molestation of a child (me).

I don't have a point system, my trauma spans years of chronic abuse. The short version is that I was raped by my stepdad when I was 6 years old. My mother found out and hid him from the law while my brother and I were left to foster care and my grandparents. After my grandparents were awarded temporary custody, we would go to my mother's house on the weekends where my stepdad would continue to molest and groom me. Some of the things he made me do to him were awful. He beat me down emotionally, punished me for talking to boys at school, made me feel ugly and fat so I wouldn't want to talk to them. Later we found out the child molestation charges were dropped after years of hiding him.

My mother found out he was still molesting me and blamed me, called me every name in the book, physically assaulted me and blamed me for the demise of their marriage. The family split up, my mother went one way, brother went with my mom and then into the military and my stepdad rented an apartment, said he was leaving with or without me. He told me he was the only one who loved me and I believed him because look at my mother and my grandmother. No one else was around so I went with him, scared of being on my own in this big scary world. Had to hide in his apartment because I was underage, married him when I was 21 and the abuse continued, mentally and emotionally. Developed anorexia. He would deliberately deprive me of sleep and make it so unbearable for me I would beg him for forgiveness even though I was not in the wrong, for whatever made him mad. And it was super stressful when he drank because that was the time when he would become physically abusive. There was no telling him not to drink because he was "a grown man" and there was no telling when he would switch from a happy drunk to a violent one.

My father died, I was still struggling with it after two years because my stepdad and mother would tell me awful things about him and his vices. They would tell me he loved me one day but hated me or didn't care about me the next day, depending on their mood. But it was comical to my stepdad, he didn't understand why I cared so much. I tried to commit suicide two years after dad passed away, spent time in the mental ward of a hospital, diagnosed with depression. Got out, attempted to go to therapy but we never had the money. Called a hotline, told my story anonymously, an appointment was made for me for domestic violence victims, for some reason my stepdad (now husband) persuaded me not to go and went with me in person to cancel my appointment.

I was not allowed to know about our finances. We were in massive credit cart debt, all in my name. But I could never help because he said I was too stupid, absent-minded and was worried that I would forget to make a payment and cost us more money so he should just do it and would give me an allowance, I should be thankful but instead I was ungrateful for questioning him on his financial decisions. He was smart and I wasn't. I was just an ungrateful brat I guess.

Began to question if this was really how my life was supposed to be. Was this it? To be at someone else's beck and call for the rest of my life, no relief until death? Was this my life's purpose? Could there be something more? Why was I so scared to venture on my own? I needed him.

I left him and filed for divorce. I was diagnosed with PTSD and have been trying to recover ever since. He decided to f*cking die in a car wreck. So he's dead now which is really, still, hard to believe.

This turned from a short version to an all out trauma dump. I feel very angry and upset. Perhaps that's the point, I don't know. There's a whole lot more but think I'm done for now. Thank you for reading if you did.
 
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PlainJane

Moderator
@Rorster93, Great start to your diary!

I have removed you trigger warning per our Community Constitution. See the highlighted portion below.

Individual Responsibility​

All members are expected to manage their own emotional and psychological regulation. In the event that a member consistently engages in disruptive behavior and does not progress towards self-regulation, that member will either be temporarily or permanently removed from the community.

MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask at contact us.
 

Rorster93

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One day, my mother was gone somewhere. My stepdad and I went upstairs, I think to take a nap. We were under the covers, in the bed he shared with my mother. He talked sweet to me, asking me if I wanted to try. I wasn't sure, I was scared. He took my shorts off anyway. It wasn't something I wanted. I began to cry, begging him to stop. He tried to put it inside me but I was too small for him, it wouldn't fit. He still got off. He was enjoying it but I was crying, literally in his face crying pleading for him to stop. It was like he couldn't even hear me even though I was right in his face. I was six years old.

The sound of my crying stayed with me and gave me panic attacks because I would hear a crying child being abused in my head and panic. These instances didn't stop until I started therapy.

The thought of being married to my rapist also haunted me. When the thought came, I would panic and try to strongly rebuke or rationalize it out. In spite of my efforts to remain in denial, a depression would set in because I knew deep down I could not deny the fact that I was, indeed, married to my rapist. But I felt stuck because I did not know life without him.
 

Rorster93

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I quieted my apartment for a few days, no tv or interaction with anyone outside of my boyfriend or work. This was to allow myself to meditate on my feelings and practice living in the moment rather than the past or the future. I ended up accidentally isolating myself too much which sent me straight into an emotional flashback. My inner critic became too strong to fight. I felt unworthy of love, ugly, not good enough, too poor, depressed, frustrated easily. When I get like this, the longer time goes on, the worse it gets. This made me eventually cry. I felt like I was spiraling down into an anxious, depressed, self-hating abyss then my boyfriend called. We chatted for a few minutes, I could just feel the anxiety and loneliness go away. I felt much better. Like that Thank You song, by Dido..haha! I don't know how to define this. Is this codependency? Is this love? It's normal to have someone lift your spirits. I am not going to feel ashamed for simply being human. He is not meant to be a band-aid but it's normal to need human connection.

I saw my therapist yesterday. She helped me realize an area where I've been avoiding my feelings. When my bf leaves his phone out where I have an opportunity to go through it, my anxiety tells me that I absolutely need to. It feels like being held hostage and the hostage taker leaves an opening for you to run that you must take at that moment otherwise you will miss your one opportunity for survival. I know that is absurd, but I'm not on this forum for being reasonable. Next, I succumb to this urge and go through his phone. With a brain that is wired to see trouble everywhere, I see trouble even in his normal conversations, I mind read, blow things out of proportion, make things that are completely innocent have a hidden agenda, all the while feeling panic in my whole body. It's paranoia and delusions of the worst and inconceivable. I feel like my brain sees the inconceivable because the inconceivable happened to me. While my mother was asleep in the bedroom, my stepdad f*cked me in the living room and she had absolutely no idea.

I was in a relationship prior to the one I'm in now in which I drank heavily and while drunk one night, I accused my then boyfriend of sleeping with and having a secret affair with his friend's wife simply because she kept texting him while I was trying to spend alone time with him. I do not drink anymore.

Back to my current boyfriend's phone, during one session, my therapist and I agreed for me to sit with my panicky feeling and decide not to look through his phone. I developed an inner dialogue with myself when an opportunity presents itself: "I feel distrusting right now and that's ok. I don't have to look through his phone no matter what my anxiety says. I don't have to let this effect my relationship right now. I don't have to do anything. I have the option of looking through it and the option not to, which one is best for me? Which one causes less turmoil inside?" This has helped me tremendously...but then I began to avoid his phone like the plague for fear of seeing something that would cause me to feel distrusting or suspicious. I get frustrated when he is open with his phone or tries to show me something on it because I don't want those feelings to come up.
I fear the feelings because I equate them to the ruination of my relationship. Because I felt suspicious, I became vigilant and accusatory. Because I felt distrusting, I snapped and treated him disrespectfully. So I avoid the generator of those feelings to protect my relationship which has caused them to become stronger. But it is not the feelings that are harming my relationship, it is my reaction to those feelings. I have the choice to passively observe my feelings like leaves blowing by in the wind. I don't have to stop them and I don't have to react to them. When I choose not to react, they have no effect on my relationship because they remain inside me.

Things I tell myself when I'm feeling distrusting:
"You feel this now, but just wait and see how you feel later."
"I don't have to know all the details."
"I don't have to look for trouble. I don't have to be vigilant right now."
"I don't have to micromanage or control right now."
"I can just be myself."

Meditating also helps. I found a pair of socks today while I was doing my bf's laundry. They were in the bottom of a hamper that has never been emptied since I met him. They looked like female socks and were not mine. My brain kept telling me they were a sign of infidelity. I washed them and put them in his sock drawer. I mulled this over in my head eventually deciding to just not think about it. Later it occurred to me that I have no need to be concerned because even in the worst case scenario he is not cheating. Best case scenario, they are his, he just bought the wrong size. Worst case scenario, they belong to another female, an ex possibly, who is long gone and I am here now. Either way, we are safe. There is no infidelity in our relationship. Last thing to do was to mention any of this to him. If this was a mentionable offense, it would be added to our issues list to be discussed on our next Conflict Discussion date. This never made the list, but I like to remind myself that that is always an option so I'm not standing there in the middle of his bedroom with a sock in my hand asking him wtf is this? lol.. We continued with our day and I told myself I was proud of myself :)

This is an ongoing practice. I am by no means out of the woods yet. But all of these little things are starting to make me think that if there is infidelity, I will find out and I don't have to be hypervigilant or monitor his social media or phone to do so. I will also have plenty of time to decide how to react. Even in the most extreme, heart-breaking scenario, I am never in any physical danger, a statement which my therapist has repeated to me several times.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
You are working so hard and I wanted you to know I HEAR you. Confronting the things that keep you unhealthy and unhappy is such hard work. But you are doing it. In your own time, at your own pace. And owning that there might be missteps but that you know it's part of this journey. Much respect to you @Rorster93 !!!
 

Rorster93

Learning
Donations
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You are working so hard and I wanted you to know I HEAR you. Confronting the things that keep you unhealthy and unhappy is such hard work. But you are doing it. In your own time, at your own pace. And owning that there might be missteps but that you know it's part of this journey. Much respect to you @Rorster93 !!!
Thank you!
 

Rorster93

Learning
Donations
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Memory #1: I was early teens. My grandmother was sitting at the kitchen table reading grocery store ads with her magnifying glass. She seemed calm and content so I walked over to her and leaned on her shoulder to give her a hug, to cuddle. Out of no where, she slapped me really hard. I was shocked, my face was red. She never said anything. The look on her face, I still remember. She wasn't angry or upset. She was still just as calm and looked at me as if to say, "Yeah, that's what happens when you touch me." No sadness, no emotional distress. Just a matter of fact. She went back to her reading and I just walked away.

Memory #2: She would have these angry outbursts. She would rage so bad, I'm sure the neighbors could hear her screaming. She would scream so loud and rage and scare my friends. My friends wanted to spend the night, she never let anyone even inside the house so when she said yes my brother and I were excited. She went into a rage that night and my friend left my house crying, my grandmother terrified her so much because she screamed down the hallway while we were trying to go to sleep, walk slowly down the dark hallway, stand in our doorway, all you could see was her silhouette and just silently stare. You could feel the anger in the air. My friend started crying and called her brother to come pick her up. That was every night, every day for us. We didn't have anyone to come pick us up. I can still hear her scream, she would just completely lose it.

Memory #3: She mentally abused my grandfather the entire time they were married. I watched him go from a pretty reasonable person to someone who was angry, reclusive. He drank to cope which later gave him health problems. His death was brought on by my grandmother's crazy delusion that all medicine and doctors are out to harm you. She would pressure him into refusing medical care by making life intolerable, so to keep the peace he wouldn't go to physical therapy or get the blood transfusion he needed or take his medicine. My mother called APS but my grandmother would just have him come to the door to tell them he was in his right mind and refuse help.

Sometimes I wonder if he felt trapped and alone. During his final days, she was frustrated because he kept calling her into his room. He wanted her to stay with him. She didn't understand, she was completely delusional. He passed away at the hospital, I saw his ghost leave his body. My grandmother blamed the hospital and nurses and raged at them. The nurses at two different hospitals told us they've never experienced someone like her before.

Recently: Last year she went through her own medical dilemma, she has heart disease and requires oxygen 24/7. She tried not to take her medicine or oxygen but it kept landing her back into the hospital. She realized that if she took her medicine, ate right, took her oxygen, she could stay out of the hospital so now she's taking care of herself, the same thing she refused my grandfather who is six feet under now because of her. She gave him a nice headstone with a rosary on it. When he was alive, he whispered to me that he preferred the Baptist preachers on TV. This was never to be shared with my grandmother, the hell that would break loose, she had no tolerance for differing views.

After his death, my grandmother sold their house and could not stay in one place to save her life. She refuses to tell us where she is. She thinks it's our fault she went to the hospital, it's our fault grandpa died because we called an ambulance which took him to the doctors and nurses who murdered him. We called APS and the police. (Memory #4: Yes, she literally stood in between him and paramedics while he was suffering a stroke and had to have police remove her.) She claims to be a victim, plays mind games when we lose our cool, she does this creepy laugh like a f*cking weirdo. She's smarter than people realize, deviant, schemes, manipulates, it's weird to observe. One minute she's a total victim, the next a master mind behind it all.

She called today, but I don't feel like calling her back. Like my mother, she tells me I should think about her and call her more often. A couple weeks ago, I accidentally envisioned choking her, taking the phone she held hostage and escaping...which gave me a good feeling.
 

Rorster93

Learning
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Feeling low and disgusting today. My inner critic is constantly attacking. I have so much to do and can't get it all done, exhausted, overwhelmed. I don't make a lot of money and live on my own so I'm forced to dress like a boy even tho I'm a girl, I feel ugly and my coworker/friend who can afford nice clothes because her husband makes a lot of money takes over conversations, doesn't let me say anything. I feel left out, stupid with nothing to offer.

This morning I was so angry because I couldn't find anything to wear and was running late. My aunt says she coming to spend the weekend with me so I have to scramble to get everything ready for her and my apartment still isn't ready.

Gas is so expensive, a guy friend who has a crush on me let me borrow his cot but wouldn't meet me halfway somewhere, I had to drive all the way to his house which is clear across town and I'm on my own, can't afford driving too far.

I feel so ugly and stupid and terrible, not good enough and then my coworker outshines me and she doesn't even try. What's the point in even trying to talk to people when all she does is interject and tale over? Today is just not a good day. I feel awful and overly emotional.
 

Rorster93

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This is why I don't talk to anyone. People ask me all the time, why don't you say hi, why are you so quiet, why don't you share some things about your life, why would I? My life is boring and no one cares. Do people honestly, genuinely care? No. They don't have genuine interest in your life, they just want to be acknowledged by you and that's all. So no, I don't talk to people. Why should I?
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I understand how you feel Rorster. Tho my feelings are for different reasons, they are pretty much the same. Feeling like people out in the world can't even meet us halfway, whether it being considerate that we are short on funds, or have something to contribute to conversation. I get it.

And I do hate the phrase, this will pass. Because when we are in it, it doesn't feel like it will ever end. I'm sorry I don't have wonderful words of wisdom to share right now, but I do want to let you know you aren't alone. Sometimes when we are down and we do need someone to just sit with us and not try to fix us. Just let us have our feelings.

Sending you gentle hugs if you accept and just letting you know it's ok to feel what ever we feel. It's not right or wrong, it's our feelings. At least for today.
 
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