Rough time of year

RNrecovery

Confident
Disclaimer: I’m perfectly safe right now.

Does anyone else struggle with telling anyone when the suicide pull is strong? It seems like a lot of people I know are able to tell their therapist, friends, half of Facebook when they are feeling like this. have attempted once 20+ years ago. I didn’t tell anyone I was thinking about it. I just did it but family noticed I was odd and got me to the hospital where I spent a few days in the icu.

I have had passing thoughts over the years but don’t we all. Nothing more than the typical “I can’t take this anymore wish i wasn’t born” The last two years around the anniversary of my mother/step fathers murder suicide I really struggle. This year is so much better than last as far as those impulses. Instead of starting in November the bulk of the flash backs about that horrible day started late December. The last few years my therapist knows I struggled but I didn’t say a word about how far my plan got until a good six months later. Even then I danced around it. I’m not one to self harm or make gestures. It just seems like either I can push through to the other side or I can’t. I don’t want to tell my therapist and seem like I’m trying to manipulate anyone. I’ll call a hotline if I need to.


But I wonder if maybe telling her where I am at would help. I’ve seen her for many years now and the work we’ve done has brought me so far. So much of my ptsd is better but there hear I have so many more feelings at the surface. I can’t seem to block them out or avoid. I just feel this wall of heaviness and I can’t get away from it.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
But I wonder if maybe telling her where I am at would help.
Sounds like it would as it sounds like you want to, but something is holding you back.
I don’t want to tell my therapist and seem like I’m trying to manipulate anyone
Is this the issue holding you back? What is it about talking about how you are feeling to your therapist to get support and help be about manipulating anyone?
Is anything else holding you back from saying?

I get the vagueness with expressing this to T. I have done that too, and just last week. My vagueness about it sometimes makes it worse as I sort of hope she picks up the vague hints and says something. But how can she?

Maybe it's about learning to ask for help and learning it's ok to have a need for support?
 

RNrecovery

Confident
A big part of why I don’t want to tell her is that I don’t want to recreate the pattern of my mother who constantly threatened suicide and in the end honestly did it as a big f*ck you to me.

The other part is that it gives up some of my power. It’s like the final thing to tell her that admits I can’t do this on my own. It also takes away my emergency way out.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
A big part of why I don’t want to tell her is that I don’t want to recreate the pattern of my mother who constantly threatened suicide and in the end honestly did it as a big f*ck you to me.

The other part is that it gives up some of my power. It’s like the final thing to tell her that admits I can’t do this on my own. It also takes away my emergency way out.
They are both massive things. And totally understandable.

Maybe there is a way of talking around it that looks at these reasons? If that makes any sense?

Want to acknowledge that you aren't your mum. And this is a different context. You're not threatening suicide to your child, but seeking support from your therapist. Two very different things.

And I get it takes away your emergency way out, and it means admitting to T and you that you need their help. But you're in therapy, so the acceptance of a need is implicitly there. And you still have control over what you do. Talking about this doesn't take that away, but trying to find a safer way to manage.
 

RNrecovery

Confident
They are both massive things. And totally understandable.

Maybe there is a way of talking around it that looks at these reasons? If that makes any sense?

Want to acknowledge that you aren't your mum. And this is a different context. You're not threatening suicide to your child, but seeking support from your therapist. Two very different things.

And I get it takes away your emergency way out, and it means admitting to T and you that you need their help. But you're in therapy, so the acceptance of a need is implicitly there. And you still have control over what you do. Talking about this doesn't take that away, but trying to find a safer way to manage.
Thank you. Your last point is a good one. It’s all so hard. I feel like I make progress then hit a wall. We have an appointment tomrorow
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i started psychotherapy in 1972 with such massive suicidal ideation that talking about suicide was aggressively forced on me on many fronts. like you, i am more likely to act than talk and quite a few members of my therapy support network realized this about me and cared enough to force the issue. i took my medicine.

fast forward to my senior years and i find it much easier to talk about suicide than natural mortality. methinks we are a culture in denial of death. we're gonna live forever, doncha know. according to the pet insurance agents, even our pets are gonna live forever. gotta provide accordingly.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you. Your last point is a good one. It’s all so hard. I feel like I make progress then hit a wall. We have an appointment tomrorow
Yeah, it's really hard. Not sure there are the right words to describe how hard it is at times.
Hope it goes well tomorrow and you get what you want/need from it.
Keep us posted?
 

Charbella

MyPTSD Pro
I have no problem telling my T when I am but not when I seriously am. I know that’s confusing. When it’s on my mind a lot I journal it and he reads it but if I’m serious about it I tell no one. I actively go the opposite. I attempted about 20 years ago. I have no idea why it didn’t work but I saw my aunts, uncles, grandparents and parents and pretended to be just fine because then when I was gone they couldn’t blame anyone. My uncle had committed suicide the year before and there was plenty of blame to go around.

Out of curiosity is it possible this has anything to do with why you haven’t told anyone? Why you choose not to tell anyone? You said your SI is worse around the anniversary of mothers murder is there something there?

Whether you figure out why you don’t want to or not sometimes my T is helpful and the good news is that it happens to a lot of people so it should hardly be a surprise. You aren’t seeking attention to tell your therapist how you feel. I’m pretty sure your T expects you to tell them how you feel.
 

RNrecovery

Confident
Thank you all so much. It sounds like a lot of you also have a hard time talking about "it" when you actually feel serious. I am grateful you all are here. I have drifted to lurking but this place gives me somewhere that I don't have to sugar coat things. You have seen it through being here or experienced it yourself.

I had a really good session with my therapist yesterday. Some of our best work is around talking about why I am avoiding something rather than what the "thing" is. We are working on a plan for me to have a few extra sessions to get me through the anniversary this year.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I also have a hard time talking about it, especially when I am serious. I dance around the subject.

My mom didn't threaten suicide but she did talk a lot about her mental health issues and use it as a way to control others. I have a big hang up on that. I don't want to manipulate others. I am *slowly* learning that stating my feelings is not manipulation. Especially to my therapist. Even more mind-blowing is that wanting her to care and help is not manipulation. Instead it's being constructive and seeking support.
 

RNrecovery

Confident
Many of us have the complication of parents who showed us that asking for help is bad, it's a manipulation, and is going to end in abuse. It is much safer to be the one offering to help. I can control that. COVID sucked out my ability to just give and has forced me to be on the receiving end of caring. Luckily my therapist was willing to spend years waiting me out, not pushing, and letting me take my time. I got a new job in 2022 so the outside pressure has reduced but the stress over the last few years isn't gone. It comes back in heavy flashes and layers with old trauma.
 
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