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Running Into The Past

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greenbrier

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I have had PTSD since I was 13 due to being raped by a neighbor. He went to prison, but was released recently. My question is: Has anyone had experience with how to deal with seeing him in public? I instantly panic, can't think, feel the need to run, get sweaty, nauseated, hyperventilate, etc.

I did some EMDR and noticed the last time I saw him the physical feelings were lessened, but by no means gone. I thought I handled it pretty well at first, but people in my life have noticed me withdrawing from them and I have had increasing symptoms of the PTSD ever since.

This whole issue sort of caught me by surprise because I did not know he was getting out of prision. I have had many, many episdoes in the past where a person who somehow reminds me of him will trigger a panic reaction. I see someone and I think it is him, but I always knew it couldn't be because he was locked up. Well one day I was working and had this happen, I saw someone who looked like him, panic, then told myself I was being silly, he's in prison. Only to find out it was actually him. Had a panic attack, my co-workers found out about my past, I was horribly embarassed. I felt bad that I couldn't take care of any other patients (people who really did need help). I was useless. I had to leave the unit, lock myself in a bathroom until someone came to tell me he had left. He has showed up while I have been working 3 times since.

In my previous post I shared I am an ER/UC nurse. I have security at work, we never walk to our cars alone, no information is given out about what staff is working at what time. We do portect ourselves as nurses. At home I have an unlisted number, I am very careful about giving out information about where I live, and have a big dog who would make anyone think twice about coming in uninvited. I check on his criminal activities by circiut court access. (he had a battery charge after getting out of prison, but some stupid judge lowered it to disorderly conduct, damn) In this case my hyper-vigilance works very well to protect me.

Will I always be afraid of running into him? What do I do when it happens?
 
I don't know how restraining order rules work, but could you get one for at work against him? I definitely think you should talk to the police about what options you have. It is not right or okay that he is coming by your work like that. You need evidence of this to protect yourself. Can you get a big guard from the hospital to give him a hard time? Do whatever it takes to get him away from you. You don't deserve this. I would definitely get mace or a taser and perhaps a self-defense course if I were you. Do whatever you need to do in order to feel safe. This reminds me of a stalker I had at work. It is hard to say if you will always be afraid of running into him, as humans we generally try to steer clear of pain and he is a symbol of your pain and you have PTSD so then you have even more reactions going on in your body when you see him and it is really hard to say to which degree you can control that. I would be more focused on how to avoid running into him than having to face him though at the same time I can see how empowering it would feel to be able to face him and show him that he is a powerless abuser. I already think you are pretty hard-core for dealing with things as they are. I wish I could help you more...hug.
 
I really feel for you. Have you thought of a self defense course? Not for a "just in case" moment with him. I just mean so that you feel more capable and enpowered. These courses can feel very triggering for some people but in your case I doubt it would feel any worse than what you are already going through.

I wish I could help more...
O
 
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