S/o mocking my tooth surgery trigger

I had my wisdom teeth taken out a few years ago and now I have another scheduled wisdom tooth extraction in a few days. My S/O is taking it as a joke. I have been telling them for a while about how it is extremely triggering for me and to be ready if I’m very unwell or stuck in bed for a while. They responded with “it’s just a tooth pull it’s not like you’re having major back surgery” when I try to discuss with them they don’t care or listen and idk what to do. I’m very scared because I have alot of past trauma and a lot of it relates to my mouth so I have to be ready for whatever reaction I may have and they should care and be aware of it too but they don’t seem to give a crap and it’s so hurtful… has anyone experienced this? If yes, what did you do or what do you advise I do?
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
that's pretty callous that your s/o is mocking your anxiety. i'm in front of major dental surgery and i empathize completely.

my s/o is being gentle with me this time around. in previous non-medical go-rounds, where he was this callous, i treated it like boundary setting time with him while i leaned heavily within my therapy support network for the emotional support i needed. i hope you'll feel safe to lean here, struggling.
 
that's pretty callous that your s/o is mocking your anxiety. i'm in front of major dental surgery and i empathize completely.

my s/o is being gentle with me this time around. in previous non-medical go-rounds, where he was this callous, i treated it like boundary setting time with him while i leaned heavily within my therapy support network for the emotional support i needed. i hope you'll feel safe to lean here, struggling.
Thanks a lot, i feel very hurt honestly. That’s a good tip though to treat it like a boundary setting time. I’ll have to rely on the community here as I don’t have access to in person therapy due to my location. Thanks for your response x
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry that is happening.

Is there a way of having a conversation with them about your feelings around their behaviour and response? Or would that not work? I.e being explicit with them that you want to talk about how you feel when they dismissed your worries about the surgery.

Are they dismissive like this over other things or is this out of character for them?

It can be a very lonely experience being in a relationship and having these feelings and worries and not feeling or being supported by your partner. It adds to all the issues

I had dental surgery about 3 years ago. I also find dental things challenging due to childhood trauma. It's a hard thing to go through. So many senses involved with it and so many feelings.

Are there things the dentist can do to help you? Like of you went with a plan of what you wanted and how to give instructions when they have your mouth open etc?
 

Friday

Moderator
has anyone experienced this? If yes, what did you do or what do you advise I do?
Make plans around them. As if they weren’t there.

Arrange time off work, food to be delivered, rides, etc.

It’s the downside of shared experience; people will very rarely believe other people’s experience that is counter to their own… until they see it, first hand. You know what to expect, since you’ve done this, before. They think they know what to expect, since they’ve also done this, before. That the two experiences are so different? Won’t parse for most people until they see it with their own eyes, and for some people even after they see it (you’re doing it wrong, you’re milking this, you’re being ridiculous, you’re being dramatic, etc.), as they fill in what/why something is happening that differs from their expectations with motives that make sense to them. Rather than taking the person at their word about what is happening and why.
 
Make plans around them. As if they weren’t there.

Arrange time off work, food to be delivered, rides, etc.

It’s the downside of shared experience; people will very rarely believe other people’s experience that is counter to their own… until they see it, first hand. You know what to expect, since you’ve done this, before. They think they know what to expect, since they’ve also done this, before. That the two experiences are so different? Won’t parse for most people until they see it with their own eyes, and for some people even after they see it (you’re doing it wrong, you’re milking this, you’re being ridiculous, you’re being dramatic, etc.), as they fill in what/why something is happening that differs from their expectations with motives that make sense to them. Rather than taking the person at their word about what is happening and why.
Very well said. I suppose making plans around them is smarter I can’t rely on them to even try to understand me at this point

Sorry that is happening.

Is there a way of having a conversation with them about your feelings around their behaviour and response? Or would that not work? I.e being explicit with them that you want to talk about how you feel when they dismissed your worries about the surgery.

Are they dismissive like this over other things or is this out of character for them?

It can be a very lonely experience being in a relationship and having these feelings and worries and not feeling or being supported by your partner. It adds to all the issues

I had dental surgery about 3 years ago. I also find dental things challenging due to childhood trauma. It's a hard thing to go through. So many senses involved with it and so many feelings.

Are there things the dentist can do to help you? Like of you went with a plan of what you wanted and how to give instructions when they have your mouth open etc?
I tried.. but they just apologized but I feel that the damage was already done like you already let me know how you feel so me making you feel bad to a point where you apologize seems so useless. Like the apology meant nothing at this point.. and no the dentist can’t do anything the thing is where I am located things are a bit different and mental health is basically smth that doesn’t exist so it’s frustrating but I’m trying to ease into only relying on myself.. it’s just hard
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Is there another way of seeing this?

If your partner apologies for something else, that isn't related to trauma for you, do you accept the apology and see it as sincere?
If so, do you think there is a way of thinking through this?
I get the intensity of the feeling. However, our trauma brains can get stuck at times and I wonder if this is happening here?
It sounds positive they apologised. They got it wrong (very wrong), but apologising is the first step in getting it right again. Maybe let them in a little, even though the wound is deep?
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
If yes, what did you do or what do you advise I do?
This might sound pretty extreme, but in your situation, I'd take a long hard look at how this person behaves the rest of the time. If this is part of a pattern, they'd be an "EX-SO" so fast it would make their head spin. People shouldn't mock other people (at least not to their face). Full stop. People shouldn't mock people they actually CARE about. Also full stop. In my experience, people you want to be around for any length of time DON'T mock people they value and care about. That it's happening? Suggests to me that the relationship probably needs some assessing to see if the good actually DOES out weigh the bad. I'll allow for the possibility that this person REALLY doesn't get the concept of empathy and they think being dismissive can actually make you feel better. But, even then, I'd wonder about being in a close relationship with someone like that for long. Might work for some people, definitely wouldn't work for me. (Good luck with the procedure!)
 
Is there another way of seeing this?

If your partner apologies for something else, that isn't related to trauma for you, do you accept the apology and see it as sincere?
If so, do you think there is a way of thinking through this?
I get the intensity of the feeling. However, our trauma brains can get stuck at times and I wonder if this is happening here?
It sounds positive they apologised. They got it wrong (very wrong), but apologising is the first step in getting it right again. Maybe let them in a little, even though the wound is deep?
I suppose you’re right.. I was consumed with anger so it’s possible I was seeing everything black and white

This might sound pretty extreme, but in your situation, I'd take a long hard look at how this person behaves the rest of the time. If this is part of a pattern, they'd be an "EX-SO" so fast it would make their head spin. People shouldn't mock other people (at least not to their face). Full stop. People shouldn't mock people they actually CARE about. Also full stop. In my experience, people you want to be around for any length of time DON'T mock people they value and care about. That it's happening? Suggests to me that the relationship probably needs some assessing to see if the good actually DOES out weigh the bad. I'll allow for the possibility that this person REALLY doesn't get the concept of empathy and they think being dismissive can actually make you feel better. But, even then, I'd wonder about being in a close relationship with someone like that for long. Might work for some people, definitely wouldn't work for me. (Good luck with the procedure!)
I understand where you’re coming from and I would say the same tbh but the thing is my SO has never had experience with mental illness and mine is relatively severe so sometimes I know they might not mean everything the way they might say it.. i wish they would do more research into my mental illness or ask more about it though it would be helpful to me cuz rn I feel as though I’ve been on my own in my mental stuff my whole life and it’s so difficult
 

Sideways

Moderator
i wish they would do more research into my mental illness or ask more about it though it would be helpful to me
IME, people reading about it doesn't tend to get me very far, because the experience of ptsd is so incredibly broad.

What's very often helpful, though, is telling people straight up what would be helpful to me. "It would be really helpful to me if you could... because..." (and focus on the things they can do, rather than things you don't want them to do, because it sounds more like a constructive conversation than plain criticism of their behaviour traits).

That, in turn, sometimes encourages people to ask questions about things they're not sure about (which means they're at least trying to consider me and my issues - winning!). But, the very least, it shifts me from being a helpless victim of my illness, to being an assertive friend who is opening a constructive dialogue with someone they care about, in order to improve my lived experience.

People who are close to us having a laugh is a pretty common thing to do. But there's constructive, assertive ways to talk to your SO about how that felt for you, and what kind of support you think would be more helpful.
 
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