SA trigger occurred during sex, how do we recover?

[Ann1999]

I (25F) and my boyfriend (25M) have been together for over a year or so. This man has been my healthiest relationship and one where I grew the most with and felt the most comfortable with.

This past weekend, he came up to visit me and in the last hour before he had to go, something happened that triggered me. We woke up from a nap and I was just joking around with him and playfully touching his private parts as a joke (this is a very common thing for us, we do it all the time) and he said let’s cuddle naked and so I helped him take my panties off. After a while we were touching and cuddling and he just put me on my knees, I agreed to get on my knees, and he began to get his penis ready to put it in. To be honest at this point I don’t think I felt ready for the sex and idk why I didn’t tell myself to speak up. Since we didn’t do any foreplay, it was painful when It first occurred but it was okay after.

However after it happened, I felt triggered. It reminded me of the times when I was with my ex, who solely would just worry about himself during sex and only did sex with me for his own pleasure. He didn’t care for foreplay much and didn’t care to listen when I told him no. I don’t know why I felt triggered, bc sometimes we do have quickies that don’t involve foreplay, but I’m not so sure why this particular time triggered me. Other times me and him have had quickies, he’s spit on his thing and we get going and I had no problems with that. Regularly to us, sex is a big part of our relationship and we view it as a very vulnerable and emotional space and we are usually really careful with making each other comfortable.

I’m not sure what happened this time that made it so triggering to me.

I talked to him about it after and he was very understanding but now seems like he’s beating himself up more about than me and he feels scared to touch me bc he feels he will trigger me again and he’s scared he won’t be able to look at me sexually again which will put a big dent in our sex life. I thought it will be hard for us to recover but I believe I’ll still be able to see him the same way after healing from it and hopefully we can move on and view sex positively again. On the other hand, he’s not having a lot of confidence bc he’s always viewed himself as protective of women and he’s really grossed out by what he did and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to recover and see me in the same light again.

He’s scared that he’ll trigger me again or that grossed out feeling would come up when we try to have sex again.

We haven’t seen each other yet but I’m planning to come see him this week. Is there anyone that went though a similar situation particularly with you as the offender of crossing the boundary? Or if you have gone through this with your partner, how did you guys recover from it? Thanks :)

 

[Friday]

. Is there anyone that went though a similar situation particularly with you as the offender of crossing the boundary?

For sure, I’ve triggered others thousands of times.

And have been triggered countless times.

It’s pretty easy to envisage, reversing the situation, as you simply take the very next thing you do (breathe, tilt your head, cross your legs, stand up, have a drink, raise an eyebrow, whatever) after reading this sentence …as triggering someone else exactly as badly as you were triggered that night. As literally anything and everything CAN be a trigger or stressor. Being a supporter is often described as walking across a field of rakes, because there you are minding your own business, and BAM!

It’s one of the reasons I greatly prefer having PTSD, to loving someone who does, because as the person who is triggered? Or having a panic attack, or anything else? I’m the only person who has the power to do anything about it. Loving someone with PTSD means the person I love is in pain, and not only is there nothing I can do about that, but if they’re new or having a particularly bad day? Powerless AND blamed/lashed out at. >.<

((Slight/Crucial Note -depending on whether it’s just looking for the right words, or a belief- When someone else is triggered by something you do? It is NOT being an offender, or crossing a boundary. It’s not you, it’s them. Just like when I am triggered, it’s me, not them.))

He’s scared that he’ll trigger me again or that grossed out feeling would come up when we try to have sex again.

It’s not your boyfriend’s fault you were triggered… and you WILL be triggered again, if you have unprocessed trauma. Whether during sex, or being handed an orange juice & BLT, or listening to music, or going for a walk on a nice day, any other of a zillion other normal life activities. If he’s going to blame himself (or you do), or see himself as a rapist (or you do) because you’re triggered / responding to the sex, or breakfast, or music playing, or a passing cloud in the sky as if you’re being raped? He’s going to have an impossible time. He’s going to have to learn wicked strong boundaries, and learn how not to blame himself for the evils others have done.

That is a STEEP learning curve.

Ordinarilly? If the person you’re dating is freaking out on you, pissed off at you, afraid of you, or disgusted by you? It’s your fault. You did whatever it is. The decision making piece is whether or not you agree XYZ is a big deal, and their responding in ABC way is fair/deserved/justified/desired. Treat me like I’m boiling puppies for leaving socks on the floor? I’m probably going to be breaking up with them, ya know?

But when you’re dealing with someone with PTSD? All that normal cause/effect goes right out the window. All of a sudden you pour OJ the “wrong” way (the same way you’ve poured it a thousand times just since you’ve been together) and BAM! They’re balled up on the floor crying, or sneering with disgust at you, or lashing out in rage, or have decided they can no longer trust you, you rapist piece of dogshit. ((Or if they’re experienced managing triggers and stressors will “just” step away for a few seconds/minutes/hours until their can unf*ck their heads, or will “just” close their eyes, take a deep breath, and flash a grin/go on as normal)). Or anywhere in between. Sometimes managing, sometimes not.

As a supporter, recognising that the causal link is broken? But only with some things, not everything? Is reeeeeally crucial. You can’t just “stop” having sex, or pouring OJ, or whatever it was that triggered the person you love… like one would stop leaving socks on the floor. Triggers and stressors just don’t work like that. They’re attached to things that happened in the past, not the present / the person who is triggered is responding to the present as if it’s the past. So it’s not that they don’t like it when you leave socks on the floor, it’s that today, leaving socks on the floor means you boil puppies for fun, even though yesterday and tomorrow it won’t. STEEP -and very confusing- learning curve, being a supporter.

 

[arfie]

my 44th anniversary is coming up this week and it remains a sore spot between hubs and i. i ask him to not even try to understand. it be a thing you can't understand unless you have been there and? ? ? may you never have the insights to understand with, my rock of ages. **just** love me, flaws and all. thank you for being you in my life. please forgive me my illness.

hope healing happens here. the love of my life is not part of my therapy network, but a great deal of healing has happened in his forgiving arms.

 

[Samcolseafoam]

ive been sa'd before and i have had triggers that have had to make me stop sex before. My partner, we have had problems off and on cuz he rescued me from a sex trafficking cult so sex especially PIV was difficult for me. I have to initiate sex after like, episodes and stuff because he will feel guilty and won't initiate. Just listen to the voice that says "a little more foreplay please" and be totally honest because feelings of the past come back sometimes. When you are up to initiate, follow your gut and do what feels right sexually and romantically. Take it slow if you need to. And honesty is the best policy especially with sex.

 

[Roland]

My husband and I deal with this a lot. Like I'd say 98% of the time I enjoy sex and don't get triggered, but damn that 2%. I'm very uncomfortable verbally saying no, but my husband has learned to read my body language. Like say for example kissing is suddenly triggering, I will pull my head away and he'll stop. If I suddenly don't like a position, I move into a different one, sometimes pushing on him to signal him to move. It's a dance. At first I put a lot of pressure on myself to verbally communicate but I just couldn't do it and before I knew it, he could tell. It's something you two figure out. You can make code words or signals that mean "no, stop" if that helps. It's very fun beneficial to keep going after you're triggered. Remind your partner over and over "You didn't cause this reaction I had, someone else did". It's built in you, ready to come out at any moment. He can't think it's his fault or he caused it or what not. Also, tell him to ask. My husband knows that if I'm silent, it means no (unfortunately like I said I really can't talk when I'm triggered). Usually when we have sex there's plenty of dirty talk. Some people prefer consent to ask for every touch, that doesn't work for us, but my husband and I talked about it and I said it's never unsexy to me for you to check in and make sure I'm present and enjoying it.