Sabotage

[Casey_03]

I met someone who great who puts up with my crap, understands me and loves listening to me. I've already screwed up several times and he's forgiven me, and I have never opened up to anyone as much as I have to him. But I keep getting urges to sabotage, to lash out and hurt him. It happens so quickly. Tonight, for instance, he wanted to go out with his friend and said he didn't want me to join. Objectively, I realize this is totally normal and I shouldn't be offended. But he's only in town for two more days and then I go back to the war zone and he goes back home for his new job. So it hurts me that he wants to exclude me. So, naturally, I want to hurt him as much as I can. I restrained myself as best I could but I can feel it coming over me, that cold-blooded side of myself that says incredibly cruel things. I don't know how to keep that part in check, and I don't know how much of my anger is warranted or if I'm just overreacting.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

It makes sense to me. Often times, the abused will go on through life punishing themselves, and that can include self-sabotaging and hurting others. Because, if you hurt them, that, in turn, comes back and hurts you. And, that is your ultimate goal. It is a vicious cycle that is very difficult to break. You will need therapy for this.

 

[Casey_03]

I think I actually misjudged here. I think I was right the first time around. I think it was incredibly disrespectful to exclude me, without giving me any reason why, and then expecting me to let him stay at my flat. "Sure, disrespect me, leave me out and walk all over me, and then feel free to sleep at my place free of charge." I told him never to talk to me again. I think that was actually the right thing to do.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I think I actually misjudged here. I think I was right the first time around. I think it was incredibly...

Yeah. In my opinion, he was definitely stepping on your toes a little bit.

 

[Friday]

Whether the right decision or not based on your two personalities...And it may well be... The two pieces that really jumped out at me were:

Spending 1 day apart = "Never speak to me again" ? Seems like a bit of an overreaction.
Excluded from an outing = "hurt him as much as I can" ? Also seems like a bit of an overreaction

It also seems fairly natural to me that if you're both leaving in 2 days, that he might want to spend a day visiting with his other friends & might conceivably think that you would want some alone time to run errands/ pack/ get your things in order (although frequent travelers can usually leave on a dime, infrequent travelers rarely grok this). But that regardless of whether he thought he was doing you a favor or not, the idea that he isn't "allowed" to see his friends unless he wants to be broken up with, concerns me.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones I agree with you, and it concerns me as well. That's why I posted here -- I know I am being irrational but don't know to what extent, and whether my anger is warranted or not. More context: Though I was insulted by being excluded, at first I was patient and just calmly consented, without starting an argument. I simply asked why he didn't want me to come, his response was " Just ...." and a shrug. Then, I assumed he was meeting with our one mutual friend to have guy time. I was okay with that, it made sense. But he messaged me once he was out making it clear that he was at a party with all of our friends. Asking if he could sublet a room in my flat to some girl. Again, I tried to be patient and not jump straight to "get the hell out of my life." I emailed him calmly laying out why this whole thing bothered me -- because a) he refused to give me any reason for not wanting me to come, despite me asking directly and saying i did want to come b) expected me to let him come back to my flat at any time he pleased afterwards and wake me up and c) I had repeatedy told him I wanted us to hang out with all our friends, as a couple, before he left. He knew it was important to me yet excluded me without any explanation. His response to that email was to lash out at me and insult me rather than explain what his reason was for leaving me out. I have no problem with him going out without me, but I find it disrespectful to do so without being able to directly say his real reason and then expecting me to let him come back afterwards so he could wake me up and do what he pleases with me. To me, that just says he doesn't respect me. So it was at that point, after the email exchange, that I told him to get out of my life because he clearly doesn't respect me. Yes, it might be going overboard to cut all ties with him, in fact i'm sure it is .... but I genuinely feel like he walked all over me here.