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Death Saddened death of my 41 year son

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Deeem

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On October 8, 2017 my son suddenly passed away. This was the worse news I could ever get. That morning of the eighth my other grown children and friends went on a kidney walk to bring awareness of kidney disease. My daughter is on dialysis and waiting for a kidney, so we support the Kidney Foundation. We returned home from the walk about 11 AM. Approximately 2 PM two detectives came to my door to inform me of the passing of my eldest son. There were no physical or visional wounds on him according to the detectives. My family and I are waiting for the autopsy report. They said it would take 6 to 8 weeks before we can get it . I am struggling tonight and every day since his passing with guilt and shame. I need a little non-judge mental support from you guys for what I am about to say. I am living with DID. I went through a lot of trauma growing up. According to my therapist I created these parts to protect me. One of my trauma events was being continuously rape and sexually abused by my father with help from my uncles. I was living with him doing that time. I was 17 years old when I got pregnant with my eldest son by my father. Doing that time, I was always threaten if I told anyone the next sexual abuse will be worse than the one before. So growing up I never told anyone what my father and uncles did to me. I am in therapy now and working on a lot of the trauma and getting to know my inner parts.

My guilt and shame comes from not wanting my oldest son because he was my father's son. I kept him and raised him. I tried to give him love or show him love, but I never felt the love for him and I think he felt that too. When he grow up, I could not stand to have him around me. He was a constant reminder and triggered the pain of what my father did to me in my young years and teenage years. My son had no clue of how he was conceived. He never knew his grandfather was his dad. I feel so ashamed, guilty, hurt and sad that I wasn't a good mom to him, and he is no longer with me. My therapist told me that I did the best I could being young with no support. I provided all the basic needs, but that love was not there. I did not know how to give it. No one gave me love growing up it was all about abuse. My mother had men pay her to have sex with me. My father raped me his self. I had to learn how to raise a child on my own. I knew I didn't want to do to my kid what was done to me. I thought I was loving him. I miss my son. The thought of not wanting him I can't get pass. Can anyone help me? Please don't beat me up I'm sorry, I did not want him to die!
 
Please don't beat me up I'm sorry, I did not want him to die!

There is no reason for anyone to beat you up. You were a traumatized child raising a child. Your therapist is entirely correct -- you did the best you could. If there is blame it goes to those who stood by and let those people hurt you and your son.

And of course you didn't want him to die....he was your child. Your situation is heartbreaking...but you are not to blame
 
Why would we beat you up for the horrors that you endured from not only your father, and uncles, but from your mother too????? I am so sorry that you’ve had to endure these horrors. No one should have to live like you did, but sadly there are people out there that have gone through what you have. There are so many sick, twisted assholes out there.

Please try not to feel guilty for the way that you felt while raising your son. I would think that it would be a normal response. How could you possibly have all encompassing love for him, when he reminded you daily of the horror that you lived for yrs. yes, he was an innocent in all of this, but still a daily reminder.

Please accept my condolences for your loss. I hope that someday you can come to terms with all of this....
 
I am struggling tonight and every day since his passing with guilt and shame.
I don't think someone who doesn't love their child, could feel guilt or shame by their passing.

I think you loved him. Maybe the circumstances behind his conception made the love feel different from your other children. Maybe so much so, it is difficult to recognise the feeling for what it truly is.

When you say you didn't want him to suffer the same way you did as a child. That's not the way a mother who doesn't care about her child thinks.
Why protect him if you didn't care?
Why work so hard to give him the best life possible if you didn't feel anything for him?

I think it's because you do care and do feel good things for him.
Sounds like you were the best mother to him you could be. That is more than many kids get.
I have seen bad mother's, you are not one of them.

I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn't beat you up about this, you've done nothing wrong.
 
@Deeem , I'm so very sorry for what you've been through and survived, and are going through now. :cry:

Agree with what @Neverthesame and the others have said, and I see you quite the opposite, as an above-averagely great mom to both your son and daughter (and I'm sure children), to raise him and protect him at the expense of yourself from a detail which would have likely caused him great distress. You protected everyone, even when they didn't deserve it, like your father's reputation in your son's eyes. You are a remarkable mom by the sound of it. Even if you feel you didn't give him the extent of your capacity for love, what you gave is likely greater than most ever will get, evidenced by your courage, selflessness, and even fear you didn't.

Hugs to you, xox.
 
Thank You All for your respect and not beating me up. Thank You for your understanding! I cannot get over a parent feeling like that about her kid. I feel so sorry and ashame. It's eating me up. I did not make it right with him before he went home to be with the Lord. Why couldn't I change that behavior? My therapist could not help me take that feeling away I have other children and I did not feel like that with them. I didn't want him to die! Again thank you for your thoughtfulness during this time of sorrow.
 
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