On October 8, 2017 my son suddenly passed away. This was the worse news I could ever get. That morning of the eighth my other grown children and friends went on a kidney walk to bring awareness of kidney disease. My daughter is on dialysis and waiting for a kidney, so we support the Kidney Foundation. We returned home from the walk about 11 AM. Approximately 2 PM two detectives came to my door to inform me of the passing of my eldest son. There were no physical or visional wounds on him according to the detectives. My family and I are waiting for the autopsy report. They said it would take 6 to 8 weeks before we can get it . I am struggling tonight and every day since his passing with guilt and shame. I need a little non-judge mental support from you guys for what I am about to say. I am living with DID. I went through a lot of trauma growing up. According to my therapist I created these parts to protect me. One of my trauma events was being continuously rape and sexually abused by my father with help from my uncles. I was living with him doing that time. I was 17 years old when I got pregnant with my eldest son by my father. Doing that time, I was always threaten if I told anyone the next sexual abuse will be worse than the one before. So growing up I never told anyone what my father and uncles did to me. I am in therapy now and working on a lot of the trauma and getting to know my inner parts.
My guilt and shame comes from not wanting my oldest son because he was my father's son. I kept him and raised him. I tried to give him love or show him love, but I never felt the love for him and I think he felt that too. When he grow up, I could not stand to have him around me. He was a constant reminder and triggered the pain of what my father did to me in my young years and teenage years. My son had no clue of how he was conceived. He never knew his grandfather was his dad. I feel so ashamed, guilty, hurt and sad that I wasn't a good mom to him, and he is no longer with me. My therapist told me that I did the best I could being young with no support. I provided all the basic needs, but that love was not there. I did not know how to give it. No one gave me love growing up it was all about abuse. My mother had men pay her to have sex with me. My father raped me his self. I had to learn how to raise a child on my own. I knew I didn't want to do to my kid what was done to me. I thought I was loving him. I miss my son. The thought of not wanting him I can't get pass. Can anyone help me? Please don't beat me up I'm sorry, I did not want him to die!
My guilt and shame comes from not wanting my oldest son because he was my father's son. I kept him and raised him. I tried to give him love or show him love, but I never felt the love for him and I think he felt that too. When he grow up, I could not stand to have him around me. He was a constant reminder and triggered the pain of what my father did to me in my young years and teenage years. My son had no clue of how he was conceived. He never knew his grandfather was his dad. I feel so ashamed, guilty, hurt and sad that I wasn't a good mom to him, and he is no longer with me. My therapist told me that I did the best I could being young with no support. I provided all the basic needs, but that love was not there. I did not know how to give it. No one gave me love growing up it was all about abuse. My mother had men pay her to have sex with me. My father raped me his self. I had to learn how to raise a child on my own. I knew I didn't want to do to my kid what was done to me. I thought I was loving him. I miss my son. The thought of not wanting him I can't get pass. Can anyone help me? Please don't beat me up I'm sorry, I did not want him to die!