Saying What I'm Thinking

[Crow]

Last week my T tried a calculated push with me with well chosen words highlighting a behavior pattern that's been in session since the beginning. It sent me teetering towards the edge but (thanks to this forum) instead my view of myself made a huge shift.

I'm a bully. I derive pleasure in others' distress. Always have. Talking about specifics from growing up I actually started feeling better. My posture straightened and I felt empowered. Very disturbing.

I have a good heart and volunteer and donate etc. But when people get too close, i masterfully knock them down. This is my mom's vilest trait and i have run from it all my life. I'm just realizing I've honed it to an art form.

So T wants me to tell her when these vile thoughts come up. I protested it would disrupt therapy. Her response? "Yeah." Like duh, idiot.

This goes against everything I've been trained up in. Those military family codes are still well ingrained 40+ years later. And my southern politeness reels at the thought of speaking the mean, aggressive crap rolling through my brain during session. I don't want to hurt T and some things I know will cut pretty deep.

Has anyone crossed this threshold in therapy? Any advice or guidance?

 

[seedling]

If you can share those thoughts you can work on them and they may hold the key to how you were hurt by your mother. That's what you're there for in therapy, to get this stuff out in the open and set what it is.
Your T is asking you to share, I think she will be able to handle it from a professional point of view and she will know that you don't want to indulge in hurting her when you tell her what those thoughts are.
It's good to have a safe place to say what these things are and to feel the feelings that go with them. You don't have to hide it in therapy.

It may be a matter of how ready you feel to face it. Realizing you are aware of yourself in this way seems to me to be a good sign that you are ready. Do you have a good amount of trust in your T?

 

[Friday]

I have a friend who did exactly that.

How she ended up doing it was to eventually have a chart (appearance, intellect, parentage, dehumanizing, threats, veiled threats, mocking, dismissive, liar, angry gibberish, I can't hear you, etc,... I think she had about 2 dozen common things) and every time a thought came up, she put a tick in the box. It let her find patterns and root behaviors / triggers... As well as to eventually later what she wanted to, and keep what she liked.

But in the beginning just to be able to find out what categories she used, usually, it was speaking or writing them down mid sentence. Later, she used her chart outside of therapy, as well. One thing that she learned was that she was really formulaic in some circumstance (smart women = ugly & unwanted. Smart beautiful women = threats) and those ones -for her- tied right into her therapy. She'd been raised with the whole "You'd better be smart, because no one is ever going to fall in love with an ugly little thing like you".

I met her in college, and as I don't think in words (I think in pictures) we would play off of each other, sometimes. She gave me the most splendid 'terrible things happening to stick figures "chart" for Xmas, one year, because her inner monologue & ADHD were a running joke between us.

 

[BlueOrange]

As you may have guessed, I've had a lot of practice at apologizing - there's a reason for that ;)

I have found it very difficult to admit to feeling angry or hostile towards my therapist, but doing that (making that admission) is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. In the short term, it really knocked me around. Since then, I'm a lot less frightened of my anger, and have a lot less difficulty choosing my behaviour. (Instead of re-enacting negative patterns.)

I don't think you want to be a bully, and I don't think "I'm a bully" is a complete description of who you are. The quickest path to dealing effectively with that aspect of yourself is to let your therapist see it, so that they can help you see it.

It will change the direction of your session, but addressing the bullying will help you address other things. It took me a long time to trust my T to set the agenda, but I'm glad I did. An important thing he said to me was "I feel safe with you because you're talking to me about angry feelings, as opposed to feeling forced to act on them."

So I'd suggest cooperating with your T's request to be told about these urges as they arise during a session. I think it will strengthen your relationship, and help you manage them.

Perhaps, instead of actually saying the horrible things, you could say "I feel an urge to say some horrible things." Then your T can decide where to lead things from there.

 

[Crow]

I definitely trust T. It took 6 years to reach the relationship trust point normal for 6 months - or at least based on what I was taught in college :) That trust waxes and wanes but it's pretty constant.

This all must be scaring me a bit. This being visible thing. I'm doing some minor acting out but nothing dangerous.

Thanks BlueOrange. Your input last week and today....well it feels like you can really relate. Thank you.

 

[BlueOrange]

You're welcome. It's comforting to me that I can be helpful :)