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Sexual Assault Scared Little Girl

Does it sound like my father sexually abused me?

  • Yes

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • No

    Votes: 0 0.0%

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Madison

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I'm 13 and by this young age, I've already been sexually abused twice, possibly three times.
This first story involves the man who was supposed to protect me, love me, make sure nobody ever hurt me, this was the man that was supposed to stop this from happening: my very own father. I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life due to my father. He's abused my family physically, mentally and verbally my entire life... but was he capable of sexual abuse? My mother doesn't quite think so, but I'm not as sure.
I can't remember ANYTHING before the age of 10 due to this abuse, and I'm 13. I should be able to remember memories as far back at 1, right? My friends do, but I don't. My mind's blocked it all out completely, and the last memory I have of being with my dad on my 10th birthday didn't end so well... in fact, it ended with my family in the police station at midnight while I was sick, trying to answer questions between vomiting in a bucket, hoping my father wasn't hurting my sister as they were the only ones at home... This was ON my 10th birthday.
Anyway. I'm beginning to get flashbacks from when I was 2, 3, 4, 5 and even 6. I remember my mother being at the hospital with my sister (my sister has multiple disabilities including cerebral-palsy, epilepsy, profound deafness and brain damage and ends up in the hospital with the doctors saying she's going to die every other weekend and my mother has Liver Cancer) and it just being my brother, my dad and me home alone. I remember my dad taking me in the shower WITH him before bedtime, and I remember he usually got a bit... for lack of a better word; 'handsy' with me. He usually held me. We'd both be completely naked and I remember being confused and feeling uneasy and sick, even at the young age of 2 I seemed to know something just wasn't right, but I never truly figured out not all dads did this... actually, I still haven't figured it out. I'm not sure whether or not this is actually sexual abuse, is it? I'm really, really confused about it. Is this sexual abuse?
That's not the only story I've got. After we moved away from my dad when I was 10, I began self-harming. The self-harm started when I was 9, the day before my 10th birthday, and after my 10th birthday, it got worse. My cousin's 15 year-old friend would come over a lot and spend the night. He was the only one in all of my 3 years I've been self-harming that has ever noticed the scars and cuts on my arms, and it's not like I've ever even tried to hide it or anything, I've worn short-sleeved shirts and nobody's ever noticed the 18 scars JUST on my left arm, that's only my left arm, or the cuts on my body. Anyway. He was the first one that ever noticed them and he encouraged me and spoke to me about self-harming and I truly thought he really cared about me. I was a very naïve kid. Let's call him... Ryder.
Later that same night, Ryder slept over. I slept in the lounge room with him and my little cousin, who was a very heavy sleeper. I got to sleep almost immediately since I didn't have to listen to my parents screaming at each other in the background (I hope you'll join in a chorus of sympathy moans for my brother and I). At midnight, I vaguely remember waking up and Ryder kneeling at the end of the couch in front of my... downstairs area. The blanket that had been covering me was on the floor too, and I felt something slide up my inner thigh, but, being only 10, I had no idea what molestation or sex was, so I thought nothing of it and went back to sleep. The next morning, I had a bruise on my inner thigh, but gave no thought to it, considering I've always been very active and get bruises everywhere all the time.
Nothing occurred until the next year when I was 11 and Ryder was 16. I went over to my cousins' house while he was there spending the night. We played a lot of games and Ryder always seemed all too eager to be on my team and I was the only one he was ever loyal to, he betrayed my cousins every chance he got. I felt special, until that night...
We slept in my oldest cousin's bedroom alone. There was only a double bed, so we shared. I thought nothing of it, one again, being only 11, not knowing the dangers that came with sleeping in the same bed with a boy much older, bigger and more powerful than me. I remember as I was falling asleep, Ryder stayed awake and turned to look at me every now and than, presumably to see if I'd fallen asleep yet. When I did fall asleep, I woke with his hands down my shorts. I was half-asleep at the time and stupidly thought that they were my own hands, not even using the logic that I'd never put my hands down my own shorts while sleeping and that the hands were too big to be my own.
The next morning, my private parts burned like hell and I sat on the bathroom floor holding a wet funnel there begging somebody, anybody to just stop the pain. I was alone of course and was crying hysterically. It really hurt. My mum heard me crying and asked me what was going on. I told her that my private parts were burning badly and my mother just put it off to a urine infection. I never connected the dots between Ryder with his hands down my shorts and the "urine infection" until recently when all these memories resurfaced in the form of dreams and flashbacks.
Thank you for reading. I know this was a rather long story, but I've always tended to be long-winded.
 
Hi Madison.

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry to hear you are now getting memories from when you were younger. Have you spoken to your Mum about this?Or someone else? You really shouldn't be going through this on your own.

A couple of things come to mind, firstly very few people have memories from before age 3, and even memories between 3 and 6 are usually quite few memories. However events outside of normal are more likely to be remembered, but again not much before the age of 2-3.

Secondly, I'm not sure I see anything wrong in a father holding his daughter. Clearly if he was touching her private parts beyond normal washing / cleaning, then this would be a concern, but holding / cuddling - I don't see anything wrong in that.

It really would be worth talking to your Mum, or a teacher, because you may need some professional help to work through your memories in a controlled and safe way.
 
Hi Madison

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry but I feel unable to vote. I really cannot say if it sounds like abuse or not. It might be, but then on the other hand it might not. I really don't know.

However I think Cherry Blossom is quite right in that you need to talk this through with someone you trust. Clearly it is worrying you, and will probably continue to do so until you are able to do something about it - like talking.
 
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