Scared of Self-improvement, Threat of Suicide

Roland

Confident
I'm afraid to work too much on self-improvement, in therapy, or on my own, because I tend to get so entrenched in my shit, that I become suicidal, hopeless, like I'm never going to be better. I've come really damn far on my own, I can work on stuff without the use of a therapist. I'm a very creative and spiritual person, I'm not afraid of feeling things, so I will write, make art, pray, visualize, and all of that on my own, and I do get better. But like I said, in that process, it's easy to get overwhelmed, retraumatize myself, and then I want to kill myself. I don't know how to deal with this. In the past, I have had plans for suicide, I never know how to deal with it when I get suicidal. If I tell someone, they will be scared, I can lose some of my privacy and freedom, plus put them in a bad position. If I don't tell someone, I'm more likely to kill myself. I've had some really bad therapists, who didn't help at all. I told one that I didn't feel safe with myself, that I was impulsive and had done things very out of character for me (I went to a bar, and gave a man who was three times my age, my number even though I was NOT interested in him). I was coming out of a heavy depression, so the euphoria/mania came to try to lift me out. She told me I needed safe people to call, and that she would send me a safety plan for me to make and fill out. She never sent it to me. I left that appointment and bought knives. It scares me, because everytime I get suicidal, it "builds on itself" and adds another dimension, making it more and more likely that I could one day kill myself.

***Btw, I am not currently suicidal, or in a heavy depression. I just want to know how you personally deal with this... How do you work on your shit without overwhelming yourself? What do you do when you get suicidal?
 

Friday

Moderator
Aaargh. I keep not having quite enough time / have to be in the right headspace to reply, and probably won’t for the next couple days, until I have a couple days of work… but? In the interim just wanted to say how much I love this Q.
 

Roland

Confident
Aaargh. I keep not having quite enough time / have to be in the right headspace to reply, and probably won’t for the next couple days, until I have a couple days of work… but? In the interim just wanted to say how much I love this Q.
I totally understand that. Thank you for the reply, take your time!
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
How do you work on your shit without overwhelming yourself? What do you do when you get suicidal?
Getting overwhelmed is generally a given when I work on my shit. However, if I work on just a teeny part, and manage it okay? Then I take that as a win and a positive experience to replicate. In other words, if you are triggering yourself to suicidal ideation then you might consider withdrawing how much effort and attention you put into focusing on your shit.

When I get suicidal I am now able to call the crisis hotline and reach out to my T. It took me five years of consistent therapy to reach that point. I am now able to notice the signs which indicate I am leading up to active suicidal ideation (intense skin picking, not eating, manic behavior, feeling like I’m 3-years-old, etc.) and try to counteract those with self care (looking at the meal plan, seeing or touching the objects which T gave me to remind me of her presence and care, walking, reaching out to a friend, art, etc.)
 

Roland

Confident
Getting overwhelmed is generally a given when I work on my shit. However, if I work on just a teeny part, and manage it okay? Then I take that as a win and a positive experience to replicate. In other words, if you are triggering yourself to suicidal ideation then you might consider withdrawing how much effort and attention you put into focusing on your shit.

When I get suicidal I am now able to call the crisis hotline and reach out to my T. It took me five years of consistent therapy to reach that point. I am now able to notice the signs which indicate I am leading up to active suicidal ideation (intense skin picking, not eating, manic behavior, feeling like I’m 3-years-old, etc.) and try to counteract those with self care (looking at the meal plan, seeing or touching the objects which T gave me to remind me of her presence and care, walking, reaching out to a friend, art, etc.)
Sounds like you've figured some stuff out, sounds really healthy
 

Lilac98

Policy Enforcement
The only healthy way I've ever dealt with suicidal thoughts is cuddling teddies and crying and pretending they were talking to me whilst whispering to myself so no one else heard.
 
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