Childhood Scared to tell my therapist about my trauma, is it my fault anyway?

kroliczek

New Here
Hi, I am brand new to this site, after reading a thread that was posted I feel this is a safe and welcoming place for people like me. I am currently 18 years old and turn 19 soon.
This is the first time I have every told anyone about what I've dealt with. I feel like it was brought on by me and I am to blame for it, I asked for it, etc.

When I was around 9 I began going on the internet lots, most of the time it was not restricted by my parents, just for some background info. No one had any idea and never suspected anything I guess. I was also struggling with my identity, my parents not being accepting about it and being emotionally unavailable to me either on purpose or not.

When I was in middle school, around 11-13 I had joined the website Tumblr. There I met a woman, at the time she was 28 years old. She knew my age as well. We talked quite a bit and she was very accepting of who I was and my identity and was one of the only people who gave me the support I needed. She said she loved me and would do anything for me. She even bought some stuff of mine off ebay when I used my dad's account. She was sexual towards me as well. It felt wrong but I felt like it was okay/normal because she gave me all this support and "love". This went on for a long time, maybe about a year or so. I don't remember how it ended.

There was a man I had met on that website as well. He was 26-27 and I think I had just turned 13 or 14. It was the same situation, he said he loved me, gave me the support I lacked, etc. He was more sexual towards me and would demand things, he introduced me to numerous sexual situations that would even involve him saying things he would do to my unconscious or lifeless body. I though that it was okay and felt stuck because without him I would be alone. I remember getting told by both of these people that my age was completely fine and just to not tell anyone or my parents. This stopped when I was around 15-16, I can't really remember either. I have no contact with either of them now.

When I turned 16 my parents began to come around and be more supportive of me and there for me. This is the first time I remember feeling like I was actually living.
Then I met a man online from a friend group of mine who was 24, and I was 16 going on 17 soon. I did cosplay and he really liked it. We talked a lot and when I turned 17 we met on a school trip while I was in Paris. We were intimate and everything seemed okay. We still talk now and are in kind of a relationship, he is from Europe and I am from the US though. I felt like I did genuinely love him and still do, but as I keep coming to terms with what has happened to me in the past it leaves me so confused, scared, and like I am isolated. I don't want things to end because I feel like I am not as naive as I was in my past, or maybe I am but just blinded by the fact that my life has been made up of these types of relationships.

I am so sorry this is a huge wall of text, and thank you to whoever has read this far. It truly means a lot to me.

I feel as if everything that has happened is from my own doing because I never stopped it and didn't try to fight it. I want to tell my therapist about everything (not just this) but I feel like I am always a hinderance when I share my feelings and a burden, even though I am not. I feel guilty even typing this all out.

If anyone has had a similar experience to mine, what have you done to overcome it? If you did go to therapy, how did you bring it up and do you think it was worth telling? I'm sick of living like this but I can't seem to accept fully that it happened.

Again, thank you so much to all who read this novel. :)
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
This is complex. I had similar childhood experiences but only in that I was sexual very young. I blocked it for a long time. I thought I participated so it was my fault and it was pleasureable so? How is that abuse or child abuse or childhood sexual abuse? Very confusing.

We all come to terms with these questions differently and for most of us it takes a long time to process. You spoke up, you question what went on, and you want to know more about what it means.

That’s a great start. There is a lot of material here to read, and people who are willing to try and help. I wish I could tell you I thought it was going to be easy. You are young though and I think that’s definitely in your favor. Tell the therapist what you can when you can.
 

kroliczek

New Here
This is complex. I had similar childhood experiences but only in that I was sexual very young. I blocked it for a long time. I thought I participated so it was my fault and it was pleasureable so? How is that abuse or child abuse or childhood sexual abuse? Very confusing.

We all come to terms with these questions differently and for most of us it takes a long time to process. You spoke up, you question what went on, and you want to know more about what it means.

That’s a great start. There is a lot of material here to read, and people who are willing to try and help. I wish I could tell you I thought it was going to be easy. You are young though and I think that’s definitely in your favor. Tell the therapist what you can when you can.
Thank you so much for replying, this made me tear up a bit to be honest with you. I really appreciate your kind words and I hope all is well for you.
I believe I will send what I wrote to my therapist.

Thank you again!
 

Friday

Moderator
I feel as if everything that has happened is from my own doing because I never stopped it and didn't try to fight it. I want to tell my therapist about everything (not just this) but I feel like I am always a hinderance when I share my feelings and a burden, even though I am not. I feel guilty even typing this all out
If the only thing, or the big thing, holding you back from talking about this with your therapist is a sense of guilt/blame/responsibility?

- People get PTSD from jobs they love.
- People get PTSD from accidents they caused.
- People get PTSD from actions they’ve taken.

PTSD isn’t Perfect Traumatized Saint Disorder.
Nor a victims disorder.
Nor a moral high ground disorder.

PTSD doesn’t care who was at fault, or if anyone is at fault (how does one arrest an earthquake? Hmmm. Probably the same way we arrest a house fire, avalanche, plague, tornado, or sinking ship.). PTSD is just one of the things that can happen in the wake of life threatening trauma, & sexual assault.

And all of that is beside the fact that no reasonable person ever holds a child to blame for the things that were done to them.

((Ask yourself if you would go pick out a kid at the local school... assault them... and then blame them for your actions. You wouldn’t, right? Because that’s insane. But abusers do it all the durn time, and kids believe them. As do lovers/spouses. It is a special kind of f*cked up to blame others for what you chose to do to them. And it takes a kid, or someone already hurting/damaged in an abusive relationship, to believe that nonsense.))

Abused kids, domestic violence, & rape victims nearly always blame themselves.

((There’s an unofficial anthem that goes like this: 🎼 It was ALL MY FAULT. I’m so sorry. I SHOULD HAVE DONE abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. Please please forgive me. It was ALL MY FAULT. I could have done abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. So it’s ALL MY FAULT! I’m so so sorry... so ashamed... so so desperate to keep it a seeeeeeeeecret. Because it’s ALL MY FAULT.))

But even if that wasn’t total BS? (And it is.) How on planet earth would something being your/my/anyone’s fault just... erase... what happened? And all the problems resulting from what happened? It doesn’t. As anyone for whom their trauma was actually their own durn fault, rather than something someone else did to them, can attest to.

Blaming yourself for the actions of others?
Feeling like a burden for having problems from things done to you?
Are more reasons TO bring it to therapy / get help with it.
Not reasons to hide it.

Emotional reasoning says otherwise, but emotions don’t logic so hot. Hearts feel, minds think. When our emotions start doing our thinking? We end up with stuff like... I’m to blame for what you did to me, so I can’t tell anyone! No matter how many problems it’s causing me. No logic in that. Even though it feels right.

Trauma Therapists are USED to that particular catch22, because it reeeeally is that common. If you’ve got a good Therapist? Bring it to them. Let them help.

((I’m in novel-mode myself, today 😉))
 
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joeylittle

Administrator
@kroliczek - welcome to the forum, I'm very glad you found us and are unpacking this stuff.

I've got a very different set of experiences from yours - but this:
I feel as if everything that has happened is from my own doing because I never stopped it and didn't try to fight it.
- this is something that nearly all victims of abuse struggle with. I want you to know that you're really not alone in this - and also, that it is insanely hard to crack through these kinds of negative self-concepts. It takes time. The very. good news is, you're looking squarely at it, and you are able to write about it. That's really big - it's completely normal to feel like it's hard to disclose trauma - because it is hard to disclose trauma.
If you did go to therapy, how did you bring it up
It just blurted out. I had been thinking I needed to actually talk about it...and then, there it was.
and do you think it was worth telling?
Ultimately - absolutely, yes. Some days, no, I want it to never have happened...but that's not possible, because it did happen. So I try and get back to work on it.

You might find it useful to start a trauma diary...browse around, read threads, get to know the site. Welcome.
 

kroliczek

New Here
Thank you to you all for your insight and replies. This is the first time ever really talking about it, and just from your posts you have given me strength and motivation to overcome this.

Blaming yourself for the actions of others?
Feeling like a burden for having problems from things done to you?
Are more reasons TO bring it to therapy / get help with it.
Not reasons to hide it.
Thank you for this, you are completely right. It will be a tough hurdle for many to overcome. It's almost like "yes I do understand it isn't my fault" but a tiny sliver inside of me hangs onto the fact that "it was my fault". Goofy brain moment.

Ultimately - absolutely, yes. Some days, no, I want it to never have happened...but that's not possible, because it did happen. So I try and get back to work on it.
I can relate to the "but that's not possible, because it did happen" mindset. It's difficult to solidify that yes, what happened was real and did happen, and that I must deal with the cards I was dealt. Reading this felt like I was given the push to put my brain-foot down and tackle it head on.

This may sound cliche but you guys have seriously helped so much in such little time. Like this was the last push I did need to take care of what I am going through, and I cannot thank you enough. I hope you are all doing well and again, I appreciate this so very, very much.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome! And sorry for what happened to you.

We all have different stories on here, but this:
It's almost like "yes I do understand it isn't my fault" but a tiny sliver inside of me hangs onto the fact that "it was my fault". Goofy brain moment.
Is something so many of us can relate to.

It's great you are reaching out. I only did that in my 40's. I spent so many years blaming me for what other people did. You were a little child and should have been protected by so many people. It wasn't your fault. Just because you went online, doesn't make it your fault.

Am glad your parents accept your identity now. Are you living at home? Will they be helping with getting a therapist?

Sometimes when things are tough to say to a therapist, talking around the subject can help. Just saying to the therapist "I can't say this" , and they will take the lead and help with understanding why we can't say it. That helps in itself.
 

kroliczek

New Here
It's great you are reaching out. I only did that in my 40's. I spent so many years blaming me for what other people did. You were a little child and should have been protected by so many people. It wasn't your fault. Just because you went online, doesn't make it your fault.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with that for so long, I admire your strength and I hope that you are overcoming this pain we were unfairly given. Thank you for taking your time to reply :)
Am glad your parents accept your identity now. Are you living at home? Will they be helping with getting a therapist?
Yes and yes, they are very good now. I haven't told them about any of this, I don't want to bring them any stress over it or make a big stink until it is the right time.

Thank you again!
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I can relate to the Internet thing. I didn’t go as far as getting sexual, but there were a couple of creeps with whom I kept interacting for years, feeling protected by the screen. It made me uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I also had very positive and nice interactions with girls of my age, with whom I’m still friends nowadays.

t’s difficult to find the edge of the blade in these circumstances… Perhaps it’s silly to say, but I’d say a good relationship feels bright and easy, as beamed by the sun. It doesn’t mean that it hasn’t its moments of questioning or awkwardness, but that you have a general sense of comfort and safety around it.

You can experience love in very dark places. This I know first hand. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t a dark place. I’m not judging whether you’re in a bright or dark spot. This only you can.

Not judging the age difference neither. I lived 6 years with someone 27 years older than me. Believe me judgement never was very far away from this relationship and while it had its problems, it was right and positive for me.

So the thing is, more than examining whether you’re feeling affection or love towards that person, wonder if you’re feeling this is right and positive for you. If it makes you discover new things, grow, feel good. Or dwindle back in old memories and patterns and feel guilty. Probably it’s a mix of the two? You only can tell.

From my experience, relationships that are okay are relationship where people are clear about their emotional positioning and listening to you. Be it online or on the moon. My relationship with that person so much older than me was possible only because both of us were aware of it and measures were taken to defuse the natural power imbalance that comes with that. There wasn’t any moment he took advantage of his situation/knowledge to take advantage of me. He helped me more in things such as how to deal with administration, workplace dynamics, how to extract yourself of a difficult social spot and explained it all with his own life experiences, sharing it from quite an equal and genuine place, and also their questionings without pressure. Showing me all the cards in hand. That is important in general, and moreover when things are unbalanced like this. It’s also up to you to find your own spot of power and experience when things are unbalanced.

I am happy to hear your parents are supportive of your identity now. It’s important to have the impression you can turn to them not necessarily telling all, but just to get an affectionate and supportive return.

This brought attention to my ears

I did cosplay and he really liked it.

What do you like in him?

Moreover, and if this comes unsolicited or uncomfortable you can just ignore it, but would you fear a relationship that doesn’t follow the same pattern?

Anyway, I can relate to what you’re saying on many levels. Welcome to the forum. I hope this place helps you to find the answers you’re looking for!
 

lostforgottensoul

MyPTSD Pro
If you did go to therapy, how did you bring it up
I didn't tell my therapist why I was really there for a bit over a year. We were just talking about family and crap. One day, I was just like "I really need to tell you something but I don't know how so here it is..." We spent a great deal of time writing notes back and forth. I had a huge issue talking about it for a really long time. But the longer we talked about it, the more I was able to tell him. My memories were very fragmented as well so it just took a real long time. I had to tell him such embarrassing things too. I have a habit of looking at the table to the right of me, staring at the floor or even looking out the window behind me. Never looking at him.

How you tell your therapist doesn't really matter. Be it blurt it out, write it down, allow them to read it here. What matters is that you eventually talk about it in therapy and work on it.
 

Freida

Sponsor
I had to get to a place where I trusted my t before I was ready to divulge some of the more shameful details of my dramas. It took about 18 months and I still, after 5 years, haven't told her all of it.

But I do remember what she told me at the beginning

It's less about giving her details of the past and more about me learning to deal with my symptoms in the present. The good news is that as I get more control over my emotions it makes it easier to talk about the events that caused those emotions.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @kroliczek, welcome to the site. I was groomed and abused by a man at college. I call him the 'disgusting man'. I was over 18 but I was a vulnerable person. It really damaged me and caused me serious mental health problems. When I found my current counsellor I told him in some of the first few sessions.

It wasn't easy and I felt quite distressed but it was such a huge relief that I had shared this pain with a professional in a safe place. People disclose information at varying timelines in their therapeutic sessions. Some go for years without talking about their core traumas. Everyone is different. All I can say is that once you do, it's a massive weight off of your shoulders.

Best wishes to you 🙂💚🙏.
 
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