Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
The obligatory apologies... I'm sorry for starting yet another thread. I feel like I've started a lot lately and I don't always get back to them as well as I should. I also am sorry that I haven't been responding much to other folks posts lately. I'm having troubles with focus.Also,for a time, I didn't have to apologize compulsively but right now, it's back to apologies or silence.. and now onto the point of my thread.
So, we agreed to do some trauma work in T. We actually brought it up with her before we got started today. We were on the first part of the work sheet. And I don't really know how to explain what happened. It wasn't me that was talking to T but someone else. Someone I don't recognize (ugh, please don't let us have yet another part). And we were answering T's questions but I guess there was something that wasn't being said? She kept reminding us to stay with her as we talked. She also kept asking us what we were seeing/thinking/remembering.
And we were basically done but that part was still out and I don't remember what T said but then that part was saying they were going to say something that is pretend. And eventually explained that the school counselor we saw in first grade sexually abused us. That part eventually stopped talking about it as a "pretend" thing. And said we'd never ever told anyone.
We'd run over but T is getting smarter and asked us if we could drive. That part said no. We were very little. So T set us up in a side waiting room and let us draw.
And... I want to disbelieve what that part said, but I guess I don't. Of all of our memory blanks, that time period is one of the biggest. I don't remember anything about that school counselor except one thing. Even though I don't remember that counselor I do know it's an area I've always refused to think about or talk about. I do know that if we've gotten close before, we get incredibly triggered and other parts take over.
But this time, we actually told someone. This time we didn't start rapid switching and become so chaotic that telling was impossible and we just had to focus on safety. I feel super weird. I guess I'm dissociated. But somewhere in there, maybe, is ... relief ? Forty years later and we finally told
So, we agreed to do some trauma work in T. We actually brought it up with her before we got started today. We were on the first part of the work sheet. And I don't really know how to explain what happened. It wasn't me that was talking to T but someone else. Someone I don't recognize (ugh, please don't let us have yet another part). And we were answering T's questions but I guess there was something that wasn't being said? She kept reminding us to stay with her as we talked. She also kept asking us what we were seeing/thinking/remembering.
And we were basically done but that part was still out and I don't remember what T said but then that part was saying they were going to say something that is pretend. And eventually explained that the school counselor we saw in first grade sexually abused us. That part eventually stopped talking about it as a "pretend" thing. And said we'd never ever told anyone.
We'd run over but T is getting smarter and asked us if we could drive. That part said no. We were very little. So T set us up in a side waiting room and let us draw.
And... I want to disbelieve what that part said, but I guess I don't. Of all of our memory blanks, that time period is one of the biggest. I don't remember anything about that school counselor except one thing. Even though I don't remember that counselor I do know it's an area I've always refused to think about or talk about. I do know that if we've gotten close before, we get incredibly triggered and other parts take over.
But this time, we actually told someone. This time we didn't start rapid switching and become so chaotic that telling was impossible and we just had to focus on safety. I feel super weird. I guess I'm dissociated. But somewhere in there, maybe, is ... relief ? Forty years later and we finally told