School is not going well

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I've already pulled out of school 2 times, once because I had a pain flare so bad I couldn't move that lasted a week, and another time for PTSD because I was going to kill myself if I didn't leave that school. I came back home, went through intensive trauma therapy, and applied for an online school. So far, I've completed two semesters there with awesome grades while running a business. I have four semesters left, including this one, because of major changes and taking almost two years off of school. My school breaks things up into two terms: A and B, both 7.5 weeks. So far I have taken 15 credits a semester, 2 classes in term A and 3 in term B.

However, this semester is going....very badly. I'm in finance and a marketing class where the highest grade on the first project was an 87 and the average was a 72. My finance class, the average grade for the exam was a D. I know I can get Cs in these classes, but to me that's failure. I have a 3.73 GPA right now and I know I'm not going to make Dean's list again. I wanted to graduate with honors. I'm to the point of stress where my entire body aches and I feel like I'm dying all the time from physical symptoms. Because of my grades I want to cut, more than anything, I guess as some sort of punishment for not being good enough. I want to quit before I fail because that's what I always do. I quit before I can fail, because the last time I failed first, it's the most horrific experience, be it from relationships or grades or trying out for sports (I'm still paying for that one).

I know logically I need to care less, but it's testing some deep seated belief in me about myself. My dad always got perfect grades, he had to get at least a 3.5 every semester to graduate business school. I feel like such a failure if I can't be better than him, because kids are supposed to be *better* or *smarter* than their parents. I'm just not as smart as I thought I was, apparently according to my professor my writing isn't even good (which is big part of how I define myself--a writer. I have a book written and all throughout school have been praised for my writing and encouraged to publish). I'm not a good enough technical writer to write how she wants us to sound like. I know it's a lesson in external validation and not seeking it to define myself, but I'm already struggling with everything. I found out I'm moving soon, but I don't know when, don't know exactly where, and it's someplace I've only been once before. My business is driving me up the wall because I haven't had a day off since May and won't have another day off until October. I am beyond my limit on every single thing in my life and I want to just throw in the towel.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
because kids are supposed to be *better* or *smarter* than their parents.

... Reads to me as screwed parenting, if it leads you to believe that about roles in the first place.
Because nah.
Kids ain't suppossed to measure themselves by anyone else to that degree.
They are suppossed to know where they shine, and be loved & supported where they don't.

I'm just not as smart as I thought I was
No, you're smarter than you think you are.

Count in *every* skill you had to use to live through abuse.
Every day you had to work extra hard to even attend school, to focus on the courses, to make it through.
Everything you had to learn multi times, because once just was not doable, as your head was - very right - on bigger to life priorities.

Things like that: Count how much *more* you had to give it, because disabilities and obstacles.

That *all* is being heckuva smart.

I have a book written

From the very definition... a writer.
That. There. Literally all it takes.
Writing.
Book written?
Even better.

I found out I'm moving soon, but I don't know when
Of course you are stressed.
The moving thing alone would be enough, bc so many stressors just within that one thing...
But you also don't have certainties over it / it's not under your control? Yeah. Makes sense it is too much.

I haven't had a day off since May and won't have another day off until October.
What about less work, if not off, or
More self care through the days, while you work at the same intensity, would that be doable?
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
They are suppossed to know where they shine, and be loved & supported where they don't.

I feel like I was supported, but at the same time my parent's behavior and actions and what they said outside of me showed me something completely different, and THAT'S what children absorb and remember. I definitely didn't have a perfect childhood and there was some trauma from the way my dad handled emotions but it's a weird thing, as I've healed and showed him how to modulate conversation and emotion HE has taken it on, and changed along with me. It's been incredible, down to the point he now will correct himself after he says something that comes off wrong and say "I meant it like this, not in that way" and explain himself, and instead of jumping on him like he taught us to do I give him time to explain, so now he gives us time to explain. He'll catch himself saying toxic things his dad would say and say "that's something granddad would have said, I'm sorry". This is all completely unrelated and could be a different thread but it's weird when I grew up with a parent who is completely different than they are, and deprogramming what they perhaps never believed in the first place.


Things like that: Count how much *more* you had to give it, because disabilities and obstacles.

That's really true. I need to give myself some credit, especially with the stress of moving. My friends with disabilities who have moved have told me how stressful it is but I have never experienced it, or not since everything has been this bad. I think it's partially not feeling appreciated by my professors for how much harder I am working. Past semesters I've had to use my accommodations and I haven't this semester--something else to think about, but the way the classes are laid out makes it impossible to use flexible deadline accommodations. My professors before really encouraged me and said they were impressed with what I got considering all I had going on, and I think I'm still craving that external validation. I also feel like if I went to them, it wouldn't be the same because I don't have anywhere near the grades I had last few semesters. Can't use flexible deadlines for a group project, either. It stresses me out about future careers too. I want to start another business, and it's easy to meet deadlines when it's my own thing, but I've struggled in the past to do the same with other jobs where I had bosses, other than when the bosses were awesome and the company mission was positive.


What about less work, if not off, or
More self care through the days, while you work at the same intensity, would that be doable?

This is a good idea thank you!! I may actually be able to take off some because I have a big deal coming through, so maybe I can take a week or so off in the future too!!
 
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