Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I've already pulled out of school 2 times, once because I had a pain flare so bad I couldn't move that lasted a week, and another time for PTSD because I was going to kill myself if I didn't leave that school. I came back home, went through intensive trauma therapy, and applied for an online school. So far, I've completed two semesters there with awesome grades while running a business. I have four semesters left, including this one, because of major changes and taking almost two years off of school. My school breaks things up into two terms: A and B, both 7.5 weeks. So far I have taken 15 credits a semester, 2 classes in term A and 3 in term B.
However, this semester is going....very badly. I'm in finance and a marketing class where the highest grade on the first project was an 87 and the average was a 72. My finance class, the average grade for the exam was a D. I know I can get Cs in these classes, but to me that's failure. I have a 3.73 GPA right now and I know I'm not going to make Dean's list again. I wanted to graduate with honors. I'm to the point of stress where my entire body aches and I feel like I'm dying all the time from physical symptoms. Because of my grades I want to cut, more than anything, I guess as some sort of punishment for not being good enough. I want to quit before I fail because that's what I always do. I quit before I can fail, because the last time I failed first, it's the most horrific experience, be it from relationships or grades or trying out for sports (I'm still paying for that one).
I know logically I need to care less, but it's testing some deep seated belief in me about myself. My dad always got perfect grades, he had to get at least a 3.5 every semester to graduate business school. I feel like such a failure if I can't be better than him, because kids are supposed to be *better* or *smarter* than their parents. I'm just not as smart as I thought I was, apparently according to my professor my writing isn't even good (which is big part of how I define myself--a writer. I have a book written and all throughout school have been praised for my writing and encouraged to publish). I'm not a good enough technical writer to write how she wants us to sound like. I know it's a lesson in external validation and not seeking it to define myself, but I'm already struggling with everything. I found out I'm moving soon, but I don't know when, don't know exactly where, and it's someplace I've only been once before. My business is driving me up the wall because I haven't had a day off since May and won't have another day off until October. I am beyond my limit on every single thing in my life and I want to just throw in the towel.
However, this semester is going....very badly. I'm in finance and a marketing class where the highest grade on the first project was an 87 and the average was a 72. My finance class, the average grade for the exam was a D. I know I can get Cs in these classes, but to me that's failure. I have a 3.73 GPA right now and I know I'm not going to make Dean's list again. I wanted to graduate with honors. I'm to the point of stress where my entire body aches and I feel like I'm dying all the time from physical symptoms. Because of my grades I want to cut, more than anything, I guess as some sort of punishment for not being good enough. I want to quit before I fail because that's what I always do. I quit before I can fail, because the last time I failed first, it's the most horrific experience, be it from relationships or grades or trying out for sports (I'm still paying for that one).
I know logically I need to care less, but it's testing some deep seated belief in me about myself. My dad always got perfect grades, he had to get at least a 3.5 every semester to graduate business school. I feel like such a failure if I can't be better than him, because kids are supposed to be *better* or *smarter* than their parents. I'm just not as smart as I thought I was, apparently according to my professor my writing isn't even good (which is big part of how I define myself--a writer. I have a book written and all throughout school have been praised for my writing and encouraged to publish). I'm not a good enough technical writer to write how she wants us to sound like. I know it's a lesson in external validation and not seeking it to define myself, but I'm already struggling with everything. I found out I'm moving soon, but I don't know when, don't know exactly where, and it's someplace I've only been once before. My business is driving me up the wall because I haven't had a day off since May and won't have another day off until October. I am beyond my limit on every single thing in my life and I want to just throw in the towel.