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Screaming

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whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know what this is but I simply canNOT tolerate hearing people drivel on about stupid, inane things. My mother - who I love - just called me and talked and talked and talked about some idiot she saw on TV and how she couldn't remember his name and did I? Oh god. I DON'T F*CKING CARE!!! I'm sitting here wondering how I'm going to make it to tomorrow and she's going on about some stupid celebrity.

She's 83, but she has ALWAYS done this. And she is not the only one. Anyone talking makes me crazy. Noise. It's like my brain is overflowing and it just can't manage anymore.

When I was on the phone I cut. Something to stop the intense...I don't know, anxiety just doesn't cut it here. When I got off the phone I screamed (literally) and broke down in sobs.

This feels so bad. I don't know how to manage it.
 
Is it just with her or does it happen with anyone that rambles on?

It's everybody. Although I do think that I've been losing patience with her generally, because she constantly whines (I'm describing her tone and try not to mean that in a snarky way) about anything I say, like..."well, I guess that's my fault, too." I've NEVER blamed her in any way for anything that happened. In fact, I reassure her all the time that NOTHING was her fault. I get that she has some serious issues she has never dealt with, but these days I have just lost care and compassion for most everybody.

Now that I think about all that, I think some of what I'm going through is that I don't feel heard AT ALL. And it annoys me to no end when other people expect to be heard and they don't offer me the same consideration.
 
My husband's mom has always talked so much without leaving a space of breath that she can be interrupted. And it is the same family history, fights, and opinions over and over. She is now 94. The stories are the same and the conversations are the same since I have known her...1967. We have rolled our eyes many times while listening to her. She takes no hints as to being told that we have heard the stories before. So, instead of getting upset and frustrated at her, when she is on the phone, hubby works on his laptop computer. I play computer games and distract myself from the stress as I listen. We learned that her incessant talking is not going to change so we had to. We stopped taking it personally because we couldn't control what she did, but we could control what we did. I know it is hard once frustration is locked heavily in place but, you are the only one who can choose to change your thought process toward your situation. Hurting yourself because of what another person does or says, is not logical. You have done nothing wrong. You don't need to punish yourself with cutting. It does nothing to change the situation. I understand the "need" to cut. I used to cut. But, it only made me a faux victim in many incidents. It did nothing to affect other people or change circumstances. It is hard to change self abusive behavior, but it can be changed. Put your mom on a shorter time period for a phone call, if needed. Hubby only calls once a week and is prepared with something to distract him before he calls. What can you do? Hold a cat or dog and pet them while talking? Play solitaire? Doodle and draw? Decide you are going to work on changing your reaction to the calls, because what is taking place is not working for you. I am sorry you are at the screaming point in your relationship with you mom's small talk. It is tough to be tolerant. I wish this situation was an easy fix. I know the intensity of it can be brought down a few notches but it has to be by your design and willingness to do so. I am not saying in any way, your frustrations are your fault, entirely. There are stressors on both sides of the relationship, I am sure. But, only you (and your therapist, if you are in the care of one) can explore healthy ways to diffuse your own emotions in this. If screaming afterward relieves you, great, do it. But, don't punish your self or cut yourself over phone calls or any other upsets. It is all counter productive. I really do hurt for you and wish you well. Learning to change in how we react during pain and stress is hard...really hard, but not impossible. I guess we are all on a learning curve here. I am so so sorry you are stressed to the max, today.
 
Thank you for the time you took to reply, @Still Standing

Hurting yourself because of what another person does or says, is not logical. You have done nothing wrong. You don't need to punish yourself with cutting. It does nothing to change the situation. I understand the "need" to cut. I used to cut. But, it only made me a faux victim in many incidents.

It may not be logical to *you*. It makes perfect logical and rational sense to me. I was not/do not cut (cutting) myself to "punish" and therefore am not a victim, faux or otherwise. I cut to feel something other than intense emotional pain. And it works, every. time.

I am sorry you are at the screaming point in your relationship with you mom's small talk.

It's not just talking and it's not just my mom. It's noise in general.

don't punish your self or cut yourself over phone calls or any other upsets. It is all counter productive.

Again, it's NOT punishment. And it is NOT counter-productive. I know that's the going belief, but it HELPS. And just because other people are uncomfortable with it doesn't mean it's not ok. I am not upset by the "act" of cutting. I'm upset because this is different for me - I am generally very patient with and tolerant of just about everybody. But I am feeling very overwhelmed by everything right now.

I am not saying in any way, your frustrations are your fault, entirely

No, what I read was "mostly."

I know all about reacting differently to stresses, to everything. I've *trained* in it. I've *taught* it. This does/did not feel like anything I could control. There was/is no space for even thinking about doing any of the things they say to do.

What would you like to be heard about today?

Thank you, @FredT for this. For just asking and not telling. I think this is a huge thing for me. Nobody ever just asks how I am. If somebody happens to (can't remember the last time, though), if I tell them I always get back platitudes and instructions on how to feel better and assurances that if I were doing the work or, at least, doing it "right" then I would feel better.

I am in intense pain, both physical and emotional. I feel betrayed by everyone who is supposed to be in a position of caring toward me. I have lost trust in healthcare providers, not because I am a generally distrustful person (I'm actually, or at least was, just the opposite), but because I have been (legitimately) harmed by so many. Over and over again. I am terrified to reach out for help, because I know that doing so in the past has resulted, in most circumstances, in physical or emotional harm.

Not being able to reach out means I can't get the help I need. I'm working on the therapist issue (I have one, but he's starting to move over into that "can't trust" area), but I find it nearly impossible to see a medical provider. And I have a lot of issues - the primary one being unrelenting pain which is NOT created by my emotional state, according to doctors I saw a long time ago - that I need to be seen for.

I am feeling desperate most of the time. And just surviving again. Getting from point A to point B and hoping it's over soon. I'm so damn tired.

And again, thank you @Still Standing. I understand where you are coming from, but I'm just not in a place to hear it right now.
 
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I hear you. I hate it when people talk TO me ABOUT stuff. It's triggering to me. It literally feels like my head is going to explode. So I try to avoid people who only talks TO me instead of WITH me. It's not always possible to completely avoid, sometimes I just try to act normal and act like I'm interested, which is excrutiatingly painful at times, lol. You're not alone! :-)
 
I know what you mean by the health care system thing, we've had the same problem my partner and I, We've basically resolved to self diagnoses and just being pushy on doctors... Not sure how this could be done for therapy, in my case I guess we're each others therapists, and we seem to do at least as good of a job as the average therapist.

Do you mean ''physical'' unrelenting pain?

I'll always read whatever you may private message me about. I might not answer but I'll read for sure.
 
As someone who has struggled with self injury for a very long time, and who stared doing it to try to regulate my distress over family phone calls... I hear ya. When things are so bad as to be screaming after listening to all the nonsense, I can understand why you self injure to feel anything else. Here’s the thing, it will eventually biochemically stop “working.” You’ll be left with a compulsive self perpetrating habit that simply does damage and doesn’t help regulate the intense emotions. Even though my self injury is fairly well controlled at the moment, I really deeply regret every day of my life ever engaging in it. When it used to work, I didn’t think I’d regret it like I do now.

Self injury is a maladaptive way to cope and is a sign of how distressing this situation is for you - and it’s not a solution to what’s causing the distress.

You do have other options you can begin to take long before it gets to this point that you are so distressed you are using injury to your body to cope.

Boundaries are crucial.

One thing I say to my family member: “I am not able to talk to you about this at this time. If you continue on this subject, I’ll have to end the call.” And then I change the subject. Even to the weather where they live or what they bought at the grocery store or whatever. Safer subjects that are still all about them, but it works. I have done it many times. At first my family member balked and pushed back, and I ended a lot of a lot of calls. No argument, I just ended the call. Managed my life and held the side I needed. I ended exposure to triggers I couldn’t hack at the time, and it frankly probably helped the relationship last longer than otherwise. It took a lot of repetition, but now I don’t have to end calls, they change the subject. At 83, it depends a little on how clear her mind is. She may or may not get it. But you don’t have to take exposure to a trigger that gets to you so much you self injure. That’s not good for either of you.

And sometimes, I do listen and let them go off... but only when I’m in a place where I’m already symptomatic.

I also schedule times to talk. If you are at a place where any rambling will overflow your stress cup, then it’s not time for a phone call with your whiney mother. It’s just not. Head it off before it even starts. I have said, so many times, “I can’t talk right now, but I can talk Sunday at 2pm. I’ll call you then.” And then I quickly end the contact without further explanation.

There are lots of other things you can do while in the phone to manage the distress, but they work better when you have s lot of practice doing them when not exposed to someone that’s upsetting. Those skills may help with how much every sound is getting to you though. Try googling or using the forum search bar for “grounding techniques” and you’ll get a lot of great threads and ideas on ways to manage through what you are feeling, and hopefully even lower your distress.

She’s always been this way, but things are not the same as they have been for you in the past. You can say no now and use the time to find new ways to take care of you.

I’m sorry she’s so cranky! :hug:
 
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I understand. People don’t understand that noise is physically painful to me. Piercingly PAINFUL! I just went off on someone today who is always loud despite my repeated requests to lower their voice. I’m going to remove this person from my life. I’m tired of my requests going ignored until I end up losing it. Story of my life.
 
Do you mean ''physical'' unrelenting pain?

Yes.

As someone who has struggled with self injury for a very long time, and who stared doing it to try t...

I've been cutting for, oh...about 42 years. Hasn't stopped working yet.

One thing I say to my family member: “I am not able to talk to you about this at this time. If you continue on this subject, I’ll have to end the call.”

While I understand what you're saying, I'm not going to say anything close like that to my mother. She's 83 and lonely. I talk to her twice a day and she counts on that. And...for what it's worth, I think it's the fact that she is 83 that causes her to go on and on. And that's not her fault.

I also schedule times to talk. If you are at a place where any rambling will overflow your stress cup, then it’s not time for a phone call with your whiney mother. It’s just not. Head it off before it even starts. I have said, so many times, “I can’t talk right now, but I can talk Sunday at 2pm. I’ll call you then.” And then I quickly end the contact without further explanation.

Yes. This is a good plan. And I do that to a certain degree. I think I was caught off guard this time and I was barely able to manage the "uh huh" and the "oh?" without sounding like I was sobbing.

Try googling or using the forum search bar for “grounding techniques” and you’ll get a lot of great threads and ideas on ways to manage through what you are feeling, and hopefully even lower your distress.

Thanks, I'm familiar with just about every grounding technique there is. I don't know how to *access* them when it goes this badly this quickly, though.

She’s always been this way, but things are not the same as they have been for you in the past. You can say no now and use the time to find new ways to take care of you.

I’m sorry she’s so cranky! :hug:

True, and thank you. I did manage to settle down and start to feel better and then I called her back. Because I know I didn't come across as even listening to her. I have spent the rest of the evening with just my cats and doing "alone" stuff. I think part of the reason I reacted so badly with my mom on the phone is because my stress level has been so high the past 2 weeks or so.

Going back to my therapist tomorrow. We'll see how that goes...

I understand. People don’t understand that noise is physically painful to me. Piercingly PAINFU...

I'm so sorry. I have been a little sensitive all my life, but nothing like the last 2 or 3 weeks. The worst is at work; we have a woman in her mid-60s who is hard of hearing and she is insanely loud. Can't remove her from my life, unfortunately.
 
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I can't stand that nonsense. What I can't stand even more is people interrupting me when I am talking. It is already hard enough for me to establish my train of thought let alone someone talking about a completely different topic when I am trying to talk.
 
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