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Searching for safety

  • Thread starter Deleted member 38906
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Deleted member 38906

I am aware that, I, without realizing it, have lost my feelings. I don't belong here anymore. I am an alien living in an alien world. I want to belong, to feel, to love. But they talk too much. I can't relate to them. They're only busy with superficial things. People.
 
I love riding horses despite being fearful. Because it makes me feel. Sometimes after I untack, put my horse away and get in my car to drive home, I sit there and just cry. The kind of crying where your snot comes out of your nose and blends in with your tears and goes right into the corner of your mouth.

Riding can bring up a lot of feelings for me. Unresolved things from childhood that I buried away because it was too difficult to feel at the time. Im not sure what causes the feelings to surface like this but it feels great. Like I just took a huge mental/emotional dump.

A horse whisperer once told me the fluid in a horses spine travels at a very specific rate. When you ride you become in sync with the fluid as well as the horses heart rate and that in effect can release your cellular body memories and emotional gunk.

I'm grateful for the horses who let me ride them. Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like it's not concensual, bc i am dominating them, kicking them, using a crop and asking them to go faster. What if they don't feel like it. I never ask them how they feel, whether they want to ride or not. I am grateful for the horses I've met even though I feel guilty when I ride.
 
Feeling pretty hopeless about life these days. What's the point? I still don't know what love is. This strange feeling that everyone talks about.

I don't know if I'll be able to see my T for a while. I have to work out of an office that's really far from where he is. I'd have to travel for 1.5 hours in traffic to be able to see him. Whats the point?
 
My dad's been blowing up my phone. I wish he would stop calling me. Everytime we talk it's a reminder of how pathetic and shallow our relationship is. He says he misses me but guess what? I don't, not one bit. I miss the idea of a father in my life but not him...

He pretended to throw me out of the house twice when I was 12. He walked right up to me took out his wallet, threw some cash at my feet and told me to pack my things and leave. Just to scare me. I don't love him. He is nothing but a sperm contributor to me. Wish he would stop calling me.
 
For as long as I can remember I have been detached. From other human beings that is. I can go as far as saying that this has been an ultimate form of existential crisis for me. I have co-existed with this state for so long that I believe I have merged with this state of crisis. I can dare say that the boundary between myself and this state has been blurred. In fact, I think I may have become my existential crisis.

Allow me to explain.

My existential crisis is directly related to attachment. We all need someone to attach to in a safe and secure way. Be it your parent(s), caregiver, aunt, uncle, siblings or significant other. But what happens when you’re not attached to anyone? What happens when you never got to experience safe attachment, never conjoin with anyone, not even your parents, and as a result became suspended in a state of detachment?

You wonder what is this thing called love that everyone speaks of and where does it come from? Why am I not experiencing it? What is f*cking wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me! Why is it so hard for me to define what's wrong, let alone find a way to change it?

So yeah, if you’re not attached to anybody in a safe and secure way, you’re going to be in a f*cking crisis. Because where is love coming from? Sure, love exists as a f*cking idea, as an intellectual potential entity in the mind, but because you’re not experiencing it, at least not in a biological, physical way, it doesn’t f*cking exist.

There are levels in my body and mind that believe that love doesn’t exist and that is my existential crisis. Maybe one day I can learn to attach but for now I exist alone. It’s just me, myself and my existential crisis.
 
Sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like it's not concensual, bc i am dominating them, kicking them, using a crop and asking them to go faster. What if they don't feel like it. I never ask them how they feel, whether they want to ride or not. I am grateful for the horses I've met even though I feel guilty when I ride.

Do you feel any attachment to the horses you meet?

And, I understand this fear.

There may not be any human to attach to yet -- but it will happen when you are ready.

And there is definitely no need at all to answer your dad's calls. Block him if his trying to contact you is causing you too much distress
 
Do you feel any attachment to the horses you meet?
I don't feel attached to any specific horse. Sure I like a couple of them and would be sad to see them go but it's not a real attachment. They're not choosing to interact with me... The only time they're interested in me is if I have treats.
 
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