Season of Loss

M

Mermaidqueen5

Hi, I’m new to the board but I wanted to post because I’m really struggling. Here is some of my backstory:

I have complex ptsd from having a sociopathic dad, narcissistic brother and borderline mom. I stayed with them until I was 26 or so and went out and found a job. I’ve been through 8+ years of trauma therapy and in that time I was able to do some amazing work. I was also struggling with an eating disorder and was getting treatment for that. Leaving my family behind was hard, but it was a decision that saved my life (also my family is in a cult and I’ve had to deal with a lot of the repercussions from that)

So I was doing really well. I was taking everything slowly, I had my first full time job, I had the most support I’ve ever had in my entire life through recovery. I decided, hey, im ready to go live my dreams and date for the first time. All was well but I noticed a shift in me. I started acting out in ways I never have before. I started acting…like not myself? Like i was honestly possessed by the devil. I got into a relationship with someone and things changed after that. All this random bad shit starting happening. The music career I had didn’t work out, I wasn’t attracting fans like I wanted. Dating didn’t work out, I dated this guy for a month and he ghosted me. I hung out with the other girl who I had feelings for and the relationship was getting more serious but she ended up not wanting to really hang out as much any more. Recovery kind of…stopped resonating? I started feeling really uncomfortable sharing at 12 step meetings and I didn’t feel as connected to it anymore. I felt resentment because I felt like I was really good at listening to other people, but when it was my turn to share they wouldn’t really pay attention to me as much or something.

My job performance started declining out of nowhere, people at work were throwing me under the bus and betraying me left and right.

My relationship with my therapist, whom I worked with for 8 years and was the closest person to me, left briefly to have a baby, came back but afterwards our relationship was different, and I had a hard time trusting her and fully getting back into therapy.

Then eventually, the pandemic hit. My job became unbareably hard, and my mental health was suffering.

My roommates left my apartment and I wasn’t able to find new ones, there was no luck with it.

My father passed away from covid, my mom and brother also had covid (we were out of touch at the time though and I hadn’t spoken to them in years, I was suddenly thrust back into a relationship with them)

I was fired from my job randomly one day.

My therapist ended our relationship suddenly out of the blue.

I had to leave my apartment because I couldn’t pay for it.

I found another one through the same management company, but I didn’t have much money, only money from the severance from my job and that wasn’t enough, so I opened up a bunch of credit cards to help pay my bills while I looked for work.

I was suicide and broke the entire time, I couldn’t afford food sometimes and had to not eat at times.

My best friend who i spoke to on the phone every day for years stopped calling and we’ve been out of touch this entire time.

Other close friends all disappeared.

I was left completely alone in my new and unfamiliar apartment with no one to talk to, nothing to do and losing my sanity. I had a really hard time sleeping snd felt scared and suicidle every day. I used all of my energy every day caring for other people though during the pandemic, like trying to make sure I didn’t get too depressed or like, idk just overall monitoring my behavior??? I tried to process my dads death alone. I tried to keep processing my trauma alone, so much had been opened up.

My hair was falling out and still is, I’ve lost about half of my hair.

My landlord was hounding me for the rent. And not really being understanding of my situation at all.

People on social media were acting f*cking weird and shady towards me.

I’ve not been really able to open up to anyone about anything this whole time because I’ve been too afraid that they would leave me or that something bad would happen.

Ended up losing that last apartment (that looked like a haunted house btw) and moved back in with my mom. Luckily my mom was the least abusive person in my house and didn’t overtly sexually abuse me like everyone else had.

All I can say is somehow I’ve managed to keep my routine somewhat stable and am still alive and mentally present. But I’ve been incredibly suicidle this whole time with the worst depression my entire life, feeling like I have no right to exist and that no one loves me and would be better off without me. My feeling for myself started sinking really bad after the guy I dated left me behind.

So I’m here now, living with my mom and looking for work. She’s treating me almost like nothing has happened and I should be totally fine and over it by now. She’s only concerned for me because I don’t do the dishes the way she wants me to do them. As far as she’s concerned, I’m expected to be fully functional snd just be able to go get a job and make my own money, because she thinks paying for my food is too expensive.

Honestly, I don’t even know how this all happened, and I haven’t even talked to anyone about any of this at all. All I can think of it revenge all day every day, and I’m stuck in the darkness, which is so sad because, I love life and being full of joy. My body is in so much freaking pain. I’m trying to remain optimistic. I’m still grateful for all the things I had. It’s just really sad and weird that it’s all gone and I don’t know how to feel now. My mom offered to buy me new clothes because I’m running out and that’s nice of her. I feel so vulnerable, like the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt and I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do. Do you think I can turn things around? And come back from this? I didn’t even know I could fall so far down. I’m scared.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Maybe I’ll write a book about it all one day :)
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello mermaid. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

Do you think I can turn things around? And come back from this? I didn’t even know I could fall so far down. I’m scared.

posilutely, i believe you can turn things around. you already have once and the first time is the hardest. recovery is kinda like riding a bike. once you learn how, the ability stays with you for life. ya **just** gotta get back on that bike and let your instincts lead. i put the **just** in stars to emphasize that i am over-simplifying greatly. there's nothing justy about the process, but you already know what needs to be done.

steadying support while you get back to your healing path. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
welcome aboard.
 
M

Mermaidqueen5

hello mermaid. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.



posilutely, i believe you can turn things around. you already have once and the first time is the hardest. recovery is kinda like riding a bike. once you learn how, the ability stays with you for life. ya **just** gotta get back on that bike and let your instincts lead. i put the **just** in stars to emphasize that i am over-simplifying greatly. there's nothing justy about the process, but you already know what needs to be done.

steadying support while you get back to your healing path. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.
welcome aboard.
Thank you! I really appreciate the response, and the reminder. It’s true, once you start recovery it’s with you for life. You can only move forwards.
 
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