Secure attachment style possible to develop?


Do you think it’s possible to develop a secure attachment style if you were raised in the abuse dynamic and have had the other styles all your life?

My hunch says that with well-developed coping skills a person could approximate or approach secure attachment styles when they are well supported but that it would not be an easy and natural thing for them all the time.
Yes it's definitely possible and probable @OliveJewel but I think it's kind of the other way around: it's in needing to address or own pain and reactions (often in response to people who are not secure) that provides the opportunity to change fundamental beliefs that don't serve us or others as well as they could. Just as equally people can go from secure to insecure, or be different in different relationships. But I think it takes admitting it, facing it, and then doing the work and putting it in to practice and that is initially very painful because it's contrary to what feels like security, or even safety. And it's irrelevant to anyone else. It's also sub or semi conscious in many respects, so the beliefs have to be brought to the surface to be challenged. But really I think the work is solitary and the application is in the field, so to speak. But fwiw no attachment style is wrong or flawed, and all are understandable. I don't think most people do a 180 , and that's ok too as long as there is understanding, respect and compatibility. Even people who both have secure attachment styles will have challenges and conflict. (Not to say it isn't appreciated when people are secure and model it, but just speaking for myself I have to own my own stuff, it's hard on others if they have to suffer through over-reactions or unwarranted reactions, that's tiring and straining too).

Good luck with it! You can do it! ☺️
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I think you can absolutely improve your attachment traits. But I don't think there will ever come a time when you don't deal with the world based on those traits first, and then have to work to counter them. I'm diagnosed with RAD and that's considered a childhood disorder. As an adult it still very much is relevant to my life. Those things don't just disappear. I had to learn with complete cognizance how to relate to other people in a "human" manner.

I didn't have much in the way of felt emotions and struggled with affective empathy. I didn't view myself as part of a family. I didn't love anyone in my family. I don't form friendships or bonds with people almost at all. The friends I do have are online. I don't participate in romantic relationships. I don't have much of a bond with animals or children. All of these things have improved with time, and monumental effort.

But it's safe to say that I am nowhere near "secure" and it is unlikely I ever will be. All I can do is keep trying my best to improve. For someone without an attachment disorder I imagine that process would be easier or at least more intuitive.


i'm not sure what a secure attachment style would look like and don't even want to go there, but i often wonder if my few long term relationships are closer and more openly honest for the fact that my ptsd doesn't allow for the stereotypical relationships. long term relationships are both possible and gratifying.


Attachment styled aren't like zodiac signs, it's very fluid and it can vary from person to person. They are attachment styles and not disorders.

I have evolved to anxious to secure to back in anxious and now probably more oscillating between fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant. All of which is very logic. My last relationship was a constant strain of hell, I so became very intolerant to any kind of emotional outburst, but before that I was pretty much secure even if often aloof.

I guess that what will help is to have other relationships that are less close and give me more space to build back the stuff I've lost on the way. My caregivers were very neglectful or draining emotionally, I couldn't count on them having any coherent response. I still go by the idea that I have to be prepared to expect the unexpected and each relationship is a dive in faith. It's not natural for me. It's a choice I have to consciously make and so my pattern of relationship depth is pretty jagged.

Now I'm finding that taking the time and forcing myself to nurture relationships in a more balanced manner is working. Good relationships also can feel boring because there isn't much drama involved. And boredom is good, in that sense.

It's about being timely but not urgent. It's f*cking hard. If I don't have someone in front of me every day I'll also forget about them easily. I don't know if my empathy is stunted, but I just struggle to remember and / or is stressful.

So I really kinda draw plans to force myself to nurture and not do the weird shit I used to and that kinda failed. It's not a fake it till you make it, it's really about learning to find the point of balance that I always lacked. But it's there with enough work.

Also picking someone who is secure themselves or at least not too much of a dysfunctional style also helps feeling secure oneself, I think it's pretty much absolutely necessary. I'd go nuts in 3 seconds with myself.