Relationship Seeing a therapist to deal with the fallout.

StillWurdy

New Here
Hello everyone,

I’ve set up appointment with a therapist to understand the effects of that CPTSD has on the downfall of a strong relationship I was in. A year and a half ago I got into a relationship and noticed that my partner has symptoms of PTSD, reoccurring nightmares, night terrors, anxiety attacks in certain situations and place etc and urges her to mention to her therapist that this stuff was happening despite her hesitation. It turns out that she was diagnosed with CPTSD from back to back abusive relationships and childhood trauma and started EMDR treatment. Despite the occasional situation where she would shut down or have episodes everything was good for the most part. This last October I moved into her place for what was supposed to be 5 months while I went to school, there was always a bit of distance. Immediately, like as we crossed the bridge to go to her part of town, she started acting very dark, a week into it she broke down and started to cry, saying that she doubted our relationship and things didn’t feel right, she also asked me to move out. This crushed me, I spent some time away and secured student housing that I would be able to move into in a month and a half later. After talking to her therapist they determined that me moving in triggered her PTSD and that it would be difficult and require a lot of work for us to survive. After getting an explanation she perked up and resolved to do everything she could to work on it, and asked me to cancel the student housing and stay. Less than a week later she returned to being nasty with me and treating me with contempt, all the while going out of her way to schedule things without me. When I would bring up her behaviour and how it made me feel she would get defensive and seemed to forget entirely about the trauma response she had. This continues for 2 months until she got so paranoid that she went through my iPad and the texts I had with a female friend of mine a year prior that I had spent and hour a few times in the middle of the day for coffee and emotional support while I was doing chemotherapy treatments (I beat cancer and I’m fine now mostly, she had experience caring for her uncle that died of terminal cancer). She accused me of all kinds of things, despite the fact that I had told her about the visits and picked apart everything seemingly thinking thing that weren’t there, such as accusing me of texting my friend more than her which was nonsense. At the time I wasn’t aware and neither was she what her triggers where or disregulations. I moved out and we decided to call it an end a week and a half later. A week after that I contacted her sister who we lived with to pick up a few things, we got to talking and I mentioned that I wanted to be there for her though everything and anything but I couldn’t do it anymore, not when it interferes with my friendships, the sister told my ex about our conversation, she blew up and told me never to talk to her again. I’m ok going my own way, I just find the whole thing jarring and especially the social media stalking that happened after the fact.

It’s been helpful reading other peoples experience and getting a better understanding of the beast we were dealing with even tho I have no intentions on trying to salvage that relationship, for my own health I’ve been looking to understand the behaviour.
 

Sweetpea76

Moderator
It’s understandable to be totally gobsmacked during and/or after a PTSD relationship. It sucks to be the designated asshole. It sucks to have every relationship milestone turn into a trigger. It really sucks to feel guilt about being the “healthy one” who needs to give way all the time when you would actually enjoy a chance to get your own needs met first every once in awhile. Sometimes it feels like being hit by a train.

Honestly, all supporters need a therapist. Good for you for getting help and standing up for yourself.
 
Hello everyone,

I’ve set up appointment with a therapist to understand the effects of that CPTSD has on the downfall of a strong relationship I was in. A year and a half ago I got into a relationship and noticed that my partner has symptoms of PTSD, reoccurring nightmares, night terrors, anxiety attacks in certain situations and place etc and urges her to mention to her therapist that this stuff was happening despite her hesitation. It turns out that she was diagnosed with CPTSD from back to back abusive relationships and childhood trauma and started EMDR treatment. Despite the occasional situation where she would shut down or have episodes everything was good for the most part. This last October I moved into her place for what was supposed to be 5 months while I went to school, there was always a bit of distance. Immediately, like as we crossed the bridge to go to her part of town, she started acting very dark, a week into it she broke down and started to cry, saying that she doubted our relationship and things didn’t feel right, she also asked me to move out. This crushed me, I spent some time away and secured student housing that I would be able to move into in a month and a half later. After talking to her therapist they determined that me moving in triggered her PTSD and that it would be difficult and require a lot of work for us to survive. After getting an explanation she perked up and resolved to do everything she could to work on it, and asked me to cancel the student housing and stay. Less than a week later she returned to being nasty with me and treating me with contempt, all the while going out of her way to schedule things without me. When I would bring up her behaviour and how it made me feel she would get defensive and seemed to forget entirely about the trauma response she had. This continues for 2 months until she got so paranoid that she went through my iPad and the texts I had with a female friend of mine a year prior that I had spent and hour a few times in the middle of the day for coffee and emotional support while I was doing chemotherapy treatments (I beat cancer and I’m fine now mostly, she had experience caring for her uncle that died of terminal cancer). She accused me of all kinds of things, despite the fact that I had told her about the visits and picked apart everything seemingly thinking thing that weren’t there, such as accusing me of texting my friend more than her which was nonsense. At the time I wasn’t aware and neither was she what her triggers where or disregulations. I moved out and we decided to call it an end a week and a half later. A week after that I contacted her sister who we lived with to pick up a few things, we got to talking and I mentioned that I wanted to be there for her though everything and anything but I couldn’t do it anymore, not when it interferes with my friendships, the sister told my ex about our conversation, she blew up and told me never to talk to her again. I’m ok going my own way, I just find the whole thing jarring and especially the social media stalking that happened after the fact.

It’s been helpful reading other peoples experience and getting a better understanding of the beast we were dealing with even tho I have no intentions on trying to salvage that relationship, for my own health I’ve been looking to understand the behaviour.
It’s always helpful to gain insight for our own sense of well-being. The sad reality is the beast supporters deal with (as ghastly as it appears) is nothing in comparison to the beast that burdens our survivors. I started therapy last year and I am very thankful for it, good on you! It hasn’t changed the dynamics of the relationship but it’s forever changed me. Do as you’re doing, do it for you, for your growth and healing.
 

StillWurdy

New Here
It’s always helpful to gain insight for our own sense of well-being. The sad reality is the beast supporters deal with (as ghastly as it appears) is nothing in comparison to the beast that burdens our survivors. I started therapy last year and I am very thankful for it, good on you! It hasn’t changed the dynamics of the relationship but it’s forever changed me. Do as you’re doing, do it for you, for your growth and healing.
I understand what your saying, I am doing this for me. Not having much understanding of CPTSD for both of us caused a lot of hurt and confusion. I don’t want to continue on with life holding resentments so getting an understanding of that dynamic I think is important. This person was in my life a full year before we ended up as a couple and one day I would like us to be on better terms than no contact. But that requires me to regain empathy for her and I can only see that happening if I can have some sort of semblance of understanding of some of the behaviours. A first step was recognizing that the trigger most likely never went away so she must of been in a lot of pain and confusion and most likely still is considering some of the behaviours her ex’s after they split up, we have a lot of overlap with friends and stalking was a huge issue before.
 
I understand what your saying, I am doing this for me. Not having much understanding of CPTSD for both of us caused a lot of hurt and confusion. I don’t want to continue on with life holding resentments so getting an understanding of that dynamic I think is important. This person was in my life a full year before we ended up as a couple and one day I would like us to be on better terms than no contact. But that requires me to regain empathy for her and I can only see that happening if I can have some sort of semblance of understanding of some of the behaviours. A first step was recognizing that the trigger most likely never went away so she must of been in a lot of pain and confusion and most likely still is considering some of the behaviours her ex’s after they split up, we have a lot of overlap with friends and stalking was a huge issue before.
I can completely relate to how you feel, I was in the same boat; looking to understand and comprehend what was happening. I’m in a better place with that now but it hasn’t changed the cyclical push and pull dynamic, which is what I have the hardest time dealing with. I’ve realized I can’t hope, wish or love this away, it’s not going anywhere.

I understand you wanting to be in a better place with it given there’s no communication and you are in the same social circle. I would like the same but I know it’s not possible right now. I don’t want to venture down the same rabbit hole, I can’t go backwards. I just hope in time it becomes easier.
 
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