Relationship Seeking Advice on Rebuilding Intimacy & Connection

[Sunshine71]

We have just become intimate again. I think we have had sex 5 times or so in the past 18 years. This was actually while I was asleep too….

I got the courage to bring up sex again recently and of course it caused a big upset. (It ended up not being part of our lives as he would have a flashback although his PTSD was nothing to do with sex.)

We were out a few months ago and after the above upset he asked to see my “boobs” while we were on a train going home – there wasn’t anyone around and it was exciting however just felt not right afterwards. We didn’t have intercourse just using fingers.

I asked if I can initiate going forward and he said no.

I have had just had 1 other partner and this was 35 years ago! However I am feeling that this sex now almost feels aggressive. I am thankful we have started being intimate again and hoping we can build on things. Must be my age however I feel I want it more now than years ago ☹!!

I say things to make him smile/ turn him on and he almost turns his nose up. He says he loves me and fancies me….

We go for walks and OK we may have the dog however he always walks in front of me. This sums up I feel he attitude towards me.

I do feel he puts me down – once when we was talking in his sleep he said he knows I am too good for him and I could have done better….. I wonder if subconsciously he hates me!! ☹!!

I feel so conflicted.

We have been married for 30 years – I don’t know anything different.

Any tips? Anyone resonate? I will keep going however welcome some support and advice.

With love and thanks .. Sunshine

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm aware you're posting in the supporter section and mindful of my response. I wanted to highlight that him having sex with you when you are asleep is an issue. You didn't consent. I don't know how you hold that and if that feels ok for you or not.


Rebuilding intimacy:
My experience is different. I'm in a same sex relationship of 20 years, so sex is very different to heterosexual sex and communication seems different too (although I don't know really).
But, communication is key.
Both wanting intimacy is key.
You can't rebuild this on your own.
And things come in waves, I find. Might be a few months of no sex and then a flurry of it and back to nothing again for a period and then back again.
Working out what you want. What is a compromise and what is too much of a sacrifice.

.would couples counselling help?

 

[Sunshine71]

I'm aware you're posting in the supporter section and mindful of my response. I wanted to highlight that him having sex with you when you are asleep is an issue. You didn't consent. I don't know how you hold that and if that feels ok for you or not.


Rebuilding intimacy:
My experience is different. I'm in a same sex relationship of 20 years, so sex is very different to heterosexual sex and communication seems different too (although I don't know really).
But, communication is key.
Both wanting intimacy is key.
You can't rebuild this on your own.
And things come in waves, I find. Might be a few months of no sex and then a flurry of it and back to nothing again for a period and then back again.
Working out what you want. What is a compromise and what is too much of a sacrifice.

.would couples counselling help?

Thank you so much for this and I am sorry I didn't come back sooner to the forum - a lot on the go this end - as always! And I wanted to say he "starts the ball rolling" as such from time to time when I am asleep - not more than this. I feel like I am defending his actions....! However I didn't explain properly above. A bit of a detailed post really...!! Thank you again for taking the time to reply... xx