My sensitivity is returning. My awareness has been enhanced by exploring these areas that I denied for so long. I did not treat myself like I was human after my accident. I denied myself health and nearly life. I denied all of my needs and I rejected all of the gentle parts of humanity and gentler parts of being human in favor of a cold march towards death in the past. It has been about a year since I began to change my mind about this and investigate how to actually live and how be alive. Recently writing about my dearest friend, thinking about relationships, and looking at the public spouse section has made me aware of how important gentle and comforting human touch can be to greater health. I am aware that many here have been abused so the very concept of human touch is itself a kind of trigger for many-I am sorry if I have caused anyone any pain by writing about this. A few days ago I went to the grocery store. Events went as usual until a beautiful woman and I were turning into adjacent rows at the same time and through the same corner. I only had a basket so her cart hit my leg precisely where I had had a compound fracture in my accident eight years ago. Pain. A wave of it going from below my knee to the tips of my toes and almost as quickly to the tips of my fingers, seeming to fill every bone with white hot metal as it passed. This happened very quickly and I suppose my old pattern of suppressing things kicked in as I did not scream, but my expression must have been very frightening. I lost my balance and fell to the floor and the woman's mouth dropped open in shock. I am lucky a display of those large containers of iodized salt was behind me to break my fall or I might have actually broken something on the way down. When the debris slowed the woman approached and placed her hand on my shoulder as she helped me up. I can not really describe what I felt as she was doing that. It was like suddenly discovering that I had been missing out on so much without even knowing about it. As much as the pain had been terrible to experience it was overshadowed by the brief pleasure I gained from just the casual expression of humanity from that woman. I have been feeling a different sort of tension than what I felt over the past years and before now I could not identify it. I realize that I want to feel more of that same feeling, more of that bare expression of someone else actually being concerned for me and taking action to help me. I thought that I only wanted to help those I had cared about before the accident and even as I sought my own death I was worried about them and felt that I wanted to do what I could to help them. I never thought about wanting to be helped myself before. This is almost an unknown world, wanting companionship, friendship, humanity. Has anyone else felt like this? Does anyone remember making the transition from being inhuman back to being human again? Does anyone else just feel the desire for humanity?