Self destructive behavior, euphoric high from pain. Help!

shaking

New Here
Before reading this and thinking I'm a lost cause, I'll let you know that I have some hope in life. Despite my problems, I had many good moments and still do. I dated a lot, and finding people to hangout with was always easy. If I can somehow stop my self destructive sex addiction. my life would be very good. I already tried a few therapist but they were no help.

I am not transgender or a crossdresser, even though I present as one nowadays. I researched enough about the topic and talked to many of them, and we are completely different. My self destructive behavior is a result of my trauma, especially emasculation. I always had an effeminate face and small stature, which led me to be bullied, in addition to my trauma out of school. My family was never home because they had to work long hours. I always roamed outside, and some adults took advantage of that.

I had a rough life and always had ptsd because of trauma. During college, flashbacks started to come back to me everyday so I couldn't think properly. I had panic attacks thinking about my memories. I had to drop out of school and supported myself with a retail job. I started to indulge in a crossdressing fetish. If it matters, I'm heterosexual. I started crossdressing for empowerment., because I have trauma from being emasculated. I hated crossdressing though. I would feel terrible for hours, humiliated and angry from staring in the mirror. I also caused physical pain to myself in sexual ways. I tried to hurt myself as much as possible without causing permanent damage. Every time I would break down and cry. There would be a moment of euphoric high from this pain, lasting seconds to minutes. The high was so addicting that I did whatever I could to increase it. My mind always created ways for me to go through more pain, without permanently damaging my body.

Recently, sexual fantasies of me suffering led my life to change. I got caught stealing from my employers, got fired, have a huge settlement to pay, and it's difficult me to get a job now. I actually planned this deep inside, because I knew I could work as a trans escort. I've been involved in sex work for a about a year. I also work as a camgirl. While I fantasized about being an escort to get hurt more and degraded, ironically the men treated me well. Being an escort was much more pleasant than how I was treated in the past. I didn't find the mistreatment I was hoping for, unless I looked for it. But the fact that I went from a good college student to a self-destructive sex addict gave me the most intense euphoria ever when I looked in the mirror. I became more addicted to physical and psychological pain to increase the temporary euphoria.

The problem is I end up crying for hours everyday because I still hate seeing myself dressed as a woman. When I look at myself and I realize how bad my life has become. I have an urge to punish myself more. My sexual fantasies became even more dangerous. My ultimate fantasy was to become a completely mentally broken person. The type that always shivers from being scared. Because this feels so sexually satisfying to imagine myself like this, all of the decisions I make move me closer to this fate. I planned exactly how this will happen. I'm almost there.

I know some parts of my post might feel like something's missing. I could have wrote pages more, but just wanted to give a short summary. If anything doesn't make sense, I'm willing to confirm the details. I'd appreciate any help!!!
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @shaking! Welcome!
Sorry for what you have been through.

I don't have many words of wisdom. But this is a great resource where people share their experiences and it helps to know you're not alone.

Is there a particular area you want help with first?

My story is different to yours. But I also have pushed boundaries of sexual pain and submission. Wasn't half as aware about it as you are when I was doing it. At the time I thought it was healthy. And I don't want to say all of it was unhealthy, but I now recognise some of it was re-enacting and making me feel certain things of being worthless.
All emotionally painful things.
Tackling everything at once might be a bit hard? So maybe break down the bits you want to deal with first?

My ultimate fantasy was to become a completely mentally broken person. The type that always shivers from being scared. Because this feels so sexually satisfying to imagine myself like this, all of the decisions I make move me closer to this fate. I planned exactly how this will happen. I'm almost there.
^^ just checking you're in a safe place?

Have you tried a therapist that specialises in the areas that you highlight ? (Sex work, sexual compulsions, sexual trauma etc?)
 

shaking

New Here
Hi @Survivor3. Thanks!

Hi @Movingforward10. Thanks! How are things going for you now?
The most important thing for me now is to prevent my life from getting destroyed. I am in a safe place now. But because of my sexual addiction to euphoria from pain, I planned stages so that I can be completely broken down, more terrified than I ever was. This would be beyond the bdsm dynamics. I just need to control my urges. I tried the therapists in my area that accepted insurance. I haven't tried a therapist that deals with those issues yet, but will look it up. It's a good idea.

Hi @Deanna. Very good point. Thanks!
 

shaking

New Here
@Friday I will try to find one. In the past I messaged all the therapists in my area, but only a few responded and accepted my insurance. Hopefully there are more options now.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Hey, welcome:)

Slightly different version of self destruction, but not by much. And it's especially tough when doing things that offset the destructive behaviours? For whatever reason become seemingly impossible.

There are other ways to feel sexual euphoria. That's a statement that you and me both kind of have to take on faith right now.

2 things that help me a bit when I'm getting ready unsafe? Is
1) I'm turning someone into an abuser by proxy, without their consent (and no, they don't consent unless they have the full story - and if they still consent after that? Then they're just plain abusive, and I have to walk away from further abuse to give myself any chance of healing);

2) acknowledging this as "self harm". Cutting? Burning? People achieve the exact same euphoria, and are doing it for very similar reasons. It's destructive, but feels euphoric and incredibly addictive.

That second one? Means I can start practicing using the same tools that other people use for more 'common' forms of self-harm. They take practice, but in the long run they really can help.

You aren't alone using this type of behaviour as a form of self harm to help manage the symptoms of child sexual abuse (there's more than one of us around this place that are familiar). The difference in your case? Is you have insight to know that this will ultimately destroy you psychologically if not physically if left unchecked, and you have the immense courage that it takes to reach out for help.

Sometimes, I can't be trusted to leave the house and keep myself safe. So I don't.
Sometimes, I can't be trusted with my mobile phone (or any device with internet access), and have to go through the excruciating (but life-saving, and ultimately, very healing) process of getting those things out of my own reach. Much like a drug detox that's gonna be hell on earth for a while, but goddamn it I'm gonna need to stop if I want to reclaim my life.

Hopefully something in there resonates enough to give you a sense of being less alone. You are not the only person that does this to themselves (how tragic is that, when you think on it, right?) as a way to cope with your pain. But you've had the courage to reach out. That was the first small step in the direction where you choose yourself, instead of this self harm. Keep taking those steps, one at a time.

My personal experience? There's folks here that will back you the whole way. The days when you conquer shit, the days when everything is black - the whole way.

ETA Someone from the US may be able to name the (usually fairly underground) community support organisations that are around for sex workers in the US, which may provide you with some interim support while you find a therapist that suits.

Hate to name names, but @joeylittle - do you recall any of those organisations from other threads on this issue?
 
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Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Movingforward10. Thanks! How are things going for you now?
The most important thing for me now is to prevent my life from getting destroyed. I am in a safe place now. But because of my sexual addiction to euphoria from pain, I planned stages so that I can be completely broken down, more terrified than I ever was. This would be beyond the bdsm dynamics. I just need to control my urges. I tried the therapists in my area that accepted insurance. I haven't tried a therapist that deals with those issues yet, but will look it up. It's a good idea.
Thanks for asking about me. I haven't had that type of sex for years. My relationship with my partner seemed to evolve away from it. Where I am now with sex is: we have 'vanilla' sex, and I now cry afterwards. The crying is a new thing which started a few months ago, from processing the sexual trauma from childhood.

Healing is a bumpy road. Unfortunately. I wish it was linear and not this back and forth.
With your plan about moving beyond BDSM and into something that will break you, do you feel there is something you can build into that plan that gives you a safety outlet? Maybe like phoning someone before you do it? Or letting someone know where you are and who you are with? Or letting whoever you are with know of a safe exit plan for you, and they agree to abide by it?
If your immediate goal is to be safe and try to not implement your plan to break you, then it might be building in something to help stop you.
It is really hard to stop cumplusions. Hopefully your plan is complicated and not an immediate thing, which means there is time and scope to build in an exit?

I found my T unbelievably helpful. I hope, if you want to go in the therapy route again, you find someone who you feel understands your experiences and can help you develop your internal resources to get you to where you want to be.
 
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shaking

New Here
@Movingforward10 Thank you for sharing. Hopefully things will get better soon

Yes it's a complicated plan so there's a lot of time left. Building a plan for a safety outlet is a great idea. I also began to contact more therapists and hopefully I'll find a good one.
 
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