Prompted by a [very good] thread I was reading earlier in another forum, about the reliability of memories, I realise how much I am plagued by self doubt, for example:
I had, it seemed, CPTSD [even though, despite the huge amounts of research and evidence from survivors, it doesn't yet exist as an "official" diagnosis]
Intellectually, I know now what happened, just not the details. Emotionally, I often seem to be stuck - still the abused child with all emotions frozen.
And then there's another part of me. A tyrant that simply dismisses me and my whole experience as crazy, over-sensitive, needy and self-obsessed. This part of me tells me I should "snap out of it", "man up" [irony upon irony] etc etc.
I'm really struggling with the tyrant at the moment.
The further I get into therapy, the louder and longer the tyrant shouts that there is nothing really wrong with me, and that as the NHS doesn't seem to recognise the diagnosis, or do anything beyond prescribing some SSRIs or SNRIs for depression [which is a symptom of the underlying CPTSD] that just make me feel so much worse, I must either be crazy, or some kind of attention-seeking fraud. He also whispers in my ear that I am so broken I cannot be fixed.
Horrible. Irrational. But very, very powerful.
Even if the diagnosis was recognised [both by the NHS and The Tyrant], there's not much help available from the medical establishment.
Having read about it's success for helping with PTSD symptoms including depression, I'm considering TMS treatment in conjunction with my therapy, but it's not available on the NHS, so I have to make a judgement about whether I can raise the £8000 or so needed for a course at a private clinic.
And also whether the claims on the websites of Harley Street clinics are a variation of snake-oil salesmanship... and of course whether The Tyrant would allow it to work ;)
- Did anything really happen? My memories are primarily sensations, rather than "movies" in my head, with fragments emerging in bad dreams that pitch me into altered states. I have the evidence of a "classic" set of PTSD symptoms, which are often overwhelming, but my doubting brain - on which I have over-relied for years - dismisses this.
- Is my "diagnosis" correct? I spent years trying different therapists, and medications for depression from my GP, all of which made me feel so dissociated, I lasted max four weeks on any. None of the family doctors I went to seemed to understand trauma, let alone be able to offer any help or referral to somebody who could
I had, it seemed, CPTSD [even though, despite the huge amounts of research and evidence from survivors, it doesn't yet exist as an "official" diagnosis]
Intellectually, I know now what happened, just not the details. Emotionally, I often seem to be stuck - still the abused child with all emotions frozen.
And then there's another part of me. A tyrant that simply dismisses me and my whole experience as crazy, over-sensitive, needy and self-obsessed. This part of me tells me I should "snap out of it", "man up" [irony upon irony] etc etc.
I'm really struggling with the tyrant at the moment.
The further I get into therapy, the louder and longer the tyrant shouts that there is nothing really wrong with me, and that as the NHS doesn't seem to recognise the diagnosis, or do anything beyond prescribing some SSRIs or SNRIs for depression [which is a symptom of the underlying CPTSD] that just make me feel so much worse, I must either be crazy, or some kind of attention-seeking fraud. He also whispers in my ear that I am so broken I cannot be fixed.
Horrible. Irrational. But very, very powerful.
Even if the diagnosis was recognised [both by the NHS and The Tyrant], there's not much help available from the medical establishment.
Having read about it's success for helping with PTSD symptoms including depression, I'm considering TMS treatment in conjunction with my therapy, but it's not available on the NHS, so I have to make a judgement about whether I can raise the £8000 or so needed for a course at a private clinic.
And also whether the claims on the websites of Harley Street clinics are a variation of snake-oil salesmanship... and of course whether The Tyrant would allow it to work ;)