Self harm and hopeless

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Pauline

Confident
I cannot stop my self harm I'm really f*cked up right now my mum has serious cancer I don't know what to do with myself my self harm although I try to control it really helps me, I am deciding to see my psychiatrist again and I have weekly therapy sessions I probably sound like a freak but I really still need my self harm my sister asked me again if i cut and I lied because I couldn't bare to tell her again when my mother is going through cancer I was sexually abused as a child but not all of it is clear to me but I speak like a child sometimes and seeing younger girls really trigger me and I go into deep panic attacks I feel like I will never get better from anything that I've gone through in my childhood after I lost my memory I spoke like a child for ages and I'm 26 and I still go into those dissociative states everything is so wrong I can't even get a job and I've done higher education I feel so hopeless I really want things to turn around and I don't understand why things are going this way and I can't understand why I regress so much as a child I talk like a four year old and have a bear after my memory's loss and I started self harming when I was seventeen because I was being seriously bullied anyways I sound like a complete freak nobody has been through the same experience I have memories of my father hurting me when before I was fourteen but I can't trust them because I live with him I have just decided to monitor my self harm that's all I can do to try and get better because nothing is going to get better for me
 
Pauline, breathe.

Slow your mind down, try to breathe, keep breathing. I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences and I’m sorry to hear about your mums diagnosis.

Things are tough right now, you’re absolutely entitled to feeling anything that you are feeling. Please just by all means keep yourself safe.

Are you currently seeing a therapist or taking any medication?
 

Pauline

Confident
I've calmed down a bit I'm deciding to book an appointment with my psychiatrist i am thinking about self harm a lot I am trying my best not to do it but it helps so much with everything what would you do if you were me any advice
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
Don't self harm. It's pointless and only makes another scar, you'll have to deal with. Go to your psychiatrist or call office and tell them that you need a now- email or appt. They will work with you.
 

bellbird

Sponsor
@Pauline I've used self harm, specifically cutting, as a coping mechanism on and off for the past 4+ years now.

I understand that feeling that it can help when it seems like nothing else can. Like all coping mechanisms, it gives us what we need -- and fast.

But as you probably know, it has the potential to get out of control (even though we like to think we are in control).

A good technique is to try to determine what role the cutting (or self harm in general) is fulfilling for us:
Numbing?
Control?
Inflicting pain?

And then think of lower risk means of achieving that:
-exercise -something hard and fast like running on the spot or burpees
-ice water -splashed on your face or the back of your neck, or hold some ice in your fists, or just drink iced water
-low risk direct pain infliction; I'll often dig a finger nail into the tip of my thumb, or flicking a hair tie on your wrist
-distraction

And there are lots of others.
You'll find what works for you through trying it out :)
Most important thing is that you keep yourself safe. You will get through this. But I am sorry that things are so hard right now. It's great you reached out here.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
You must love your mother so much and the thought of losing her is so strong that you want to lose yourself instead. You are feeling her feelings and her own mortality but you are not her and even though it is obvious you love her so much and life without her is so unbearable, you need to stay strong for her. She has cancer and scared and death is literally at her door. The best you can do for her now is to be strong for her and to acknowledge your pain of losing her is not comparable the pain of hers of losing you forever and dying.
I hope you can change your perception of your pain which is valid and powerful. No one will say losing a loved parent is easy but you need to stay strong for her and not add to her stress and show her your love in some other ways even small ways before she is gone. I think if you can do that for her, you are also strengthening your own inner resource that your mother instilled in you and will carry her legacy after she is gone. I know this is easier said than done from an internet person. But honestly I just felt you were giving your life to her to show her how much you love her but she and you could benefit more if you show her your love by doing things for her while she prepares for end of life.

ps. I want to add it is possible your "child" memory you needed your mother when you were a child and the possibility of losing her is taking you back like OMG what happens to you as a child then...that is really a powerful state of mind to be. I hope you can see you have the strength of that child who survived all the abuse and you are still here, educated, articulate and can show love for others.
 
C

crowningglory19

I am so sorry you went thru that! I just sucks what little ones have to go thru sometimes. I do pray for healing and peace for you. I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist/counselor. If you need someone and your psy. isn't available, many churches offer it free and have professionals on staff. It is good you are monitoring what you can and changing what you can. You can never change the past, but working on you now is good, to heal from what was done to you. You are a treasure, and loved. Take care of you and be kind to you as you would to another. Hey, some things that help are magnesium and ginseng. they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. Getting outside and laying on grass in sun for a bit without sunscreen is really good for you too. It grounds you and ups your vitamin D which is a mood enhancer. Hope these help you too. =)
 

KimmyO

Learning
I am so sorry you went thru that! I just sucks what little ones have to go thru sometimes. I do pray for healing and peace for you. I'm glad you are seeing a psychiatrist/counselor. If you need someone and your psy. isn't available, many churches offer it free and have professionals on staff. It is good you are monitoring what you can and changing what you can. You can never change the past, but working on you now is good, to heal from what was done to you. You are a treasure, and loved. Take care of you and be kind to you as you would to another. Hey, some things that help are magnesium and ginseng. they calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. Getting outside and laying on grass in sun for a bit without sunscreen is really good for you too. It grounds you and ups your vitamin D which is a mood enhancer. Hope these help you too. =)
 

AngelkeeperJ

Sponsor
I am sorry you are struggling with self harm. You can “substitute “ snapping a rubber band on your wrist or by holding a piece of ice in your hand for as long as you can. Sometimes these things will give you an alternative.
It’s also helpful to have something special in your pocket to move around in one hand like worry . I have an amethyst heart that I use during high anxiety. It’s a soothing thing...
Good luck and blessings to you!
 

zero

Learning
Hey, sweet. I don't think I or anyone here would say you're a freak for going to therapy. :) "The healthiest person in the family seeks help, " the docs told me. Therapy is just a way to get to know yourself better, my doc would say, eh? <3 (I talk like a small child sometimes, too, but I understand the function, and try not to, eh. I understand. <3 )

I hope you are safe. I am here for you. Your situation sounds difficult, eh. :( My heart goes out to you! ! I wanted to tell you that I come from a similar background where I was abused.

There is a book is called "Self Harm: Safe Alternatives For Everyone." If you go to their website, you can get a feel for their approach to stopping self-harm. There is a video about, and called, "the Impulse-Control Log" that helps you to identify what you are feeling, what is happening around you, what actions you take, what consequences occurred. They say we need to learn how to create the "Window of Opportunity" where you do not self-harm, but instead WAIT (takes me about 15 minutes for it to stop.)

The 2 questions that always helped me was: "What emotion/emotions are you not wanting to feel?"
and "How do I create the Window of Opportunity?" (for me, it was 1) talking with someone else if i felt like I wanted to hurt myself, this usually works better than anything. 2) hold my cat. 3) Do simple addition/subtraction/multiplication problems; someone telling them to me, or me doing a page of them from the net or something. )

The urge will go away. Eventually. It takes about 15 minutes for it to stop, for me.

I haven't done it since 1998. I'm 'telling you that it is possible. The first few times I *didn't* hurt myself were incredibly difficult, but I will never forget how I felt when I *didn't* hurt myself! It was incredible. I was exhausted. I still have to maintain it, every day. Make sure I don't hurt myself right now, this minute, this second, this hour.. eh? :) I have nothing in my house to hurt myself with, stuff I used.

There also is a fantastic medicine called "Naltrexone" that my doc put me on that actually *takes the urges away* - which is like being on vacation, because I don't have to monitor it for 15 minutes here and there. The first week I was on the med, I felt like I was on vacation . I had so much more time to do other things and not worry about this stupid self harm crap. I'm still taking it.

I found Naltrexone is used for treating folks that are addicted to heroin, opioids, coming off alcohol. But it works, the same method. Apparently the bonding chemical for each of these drugs and self harm are the same! Something addictive. Naltexone seems to nullify it.

I occasionally have something happen where I need to monitor myself not harming. I've been hoping to help other folks dealing w/self injury, so I looked at SAFE's website recently. It's refreshing to look at the "Impulse Control Long."

I'm going to use the log to help me change my behavior with the ptsd stuff. It can happen.

My prayers and thoughts are with you, sweet.

I'm here for you. You're not alone, eh.

/love,

Sat

The Impulse Control Log video is EXTREMELY helpful in identifying what's going on for you! !
 

zero

Learning
I am sorry you are struggling with self harm. You can “substitute “ snapping a rubber band on your wrist or by holding a piece of ice in your hand for as long as you can. Sometimes these things will give you an alternative.
It’s also helpful to have something special in your pocket to move around in one hand like worry . I have an amethyst heart that I use during high anxiety. It’s a soothing thing...
Good luck and blessings to you!

The docs from SAFE Alternatives actually suggest not using the snapping rubberband or holding ice as a substitute to deal with self-harm. They see it as another form of self harm, instead of focusing on what needs to happen (this is according to them) - the emotions need to be experienced. <3 <3 <3

I hope I dont come across bein too rude. >,<" :) I just want to share what I know, what's helped me.

/love,

Sat
 
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