Self harm, triggered by flashback

littlestars

Learning
I gained 40lbs since Covid happened. I try to go to the gym but school is so demanding. It takes up all of my time. I’ll lose 6lbs and gain it back over and over just from dieting. I’m tired of this and I guess it’s vain but it makes me suicidal. One of my relationships in the past was horrible and I gained weight and the guy always had something to say that was hurtful. That was many years ago. My new boyfriend is supportive and tries to motivate me. I got triggered today feeling like I was in the old relationship and cut myself. I’m disappointed. I wish I was my normal weight again. I feel so ugly and worthless and not sexy. I feel so shallow for feeling this way but that old boyfriend was a self esteem nightmare. My new one is ok but he’s a couple of years younger than me so he’s not quite on my level…. I wish I could talk to him about this but I just can’t.
 

PlainJane

Moderator
@littlestars, I am sorry you are having a hard go of it. Finding immediate relief from being flooded with thoughts and emotions is a force to be reckoned with. Have you been able to address this with your therapist directly at all?

My new one is ok but he’s a couple of years younger than me so he’s not quite on my level…. I wish I could talk to him about this but I just can’t.

What is it going to take for you to be comfortable with discussing your needs/thoughts/feelings with him? I feel like this is an important aspect of your relationship that needs attention, IMO. Perhaps something to hash out with your therapist? I remember there being trust concerns with men and worry that this boyfriend will treat you poorly, so just to challenge some of your thinking here. Are you concerned you can't speak to him because of his maturity, or that you are unwilling to take that leap and be vulnerable to him? Either answer is okay, but makes a big difference in what needs to be addressed.

Mod note:
I removed the trigger warning from the thread title, as we don't use them here.
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