Assault Self hatred after non-sexual assault

I’m feeling very alone in something I’ve been experiencing and I’m wondering if anyone can empathize.

A few months ago, I was assaulted in the park near my house. Jumped and beaten on my head with a metal baseball bat. My neighbors eventually ran outside and the man (it was dark and I saw a probably male silhouette but don’t know what he looked like other that). He didn’t rob me. I honestly wish he had because robbery and rape seem like the two most likely motivations, and I have really different feelings about those crimes, and I’m much more afraid of being raped.

I think it’s not the most likely that he was trying to kill me, but a metal baseball bat is an iconic blunt object to kill someone with, and the head is what you would aim for, and everyone knows that. So at best this person was trying to knock me out but was fine with it if he accidentally murdered me.

since the attack, I’ve had steadily worsening feelings of self-loathing. It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to believe that I deserve to have been murdered. I’ve had a really hard time finding accounts of people who have been physically assaulted but not actually raped (even if it’s possible that was the intention), and it’s making me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’ve been feeling this strongly even though I was just beaten up.

can anyone relate?
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi I wouldn’t worry about how you should react or be feeling? If you got hit on the head with a baseball bat I’d call it attempted murder. But that’s not the point, it’s how you said you feel and I’m sorry !
You should probably see a counselor to help you sort out those feelings. Don’t worry about was it bad enough and i hope you feel better.
 

LiVeNoW

New Here
I’m feeling very alone in something I’ve been experiencing and I’m wondering if anyone can empathize.

A few months ago, I was assaulted in the park near my house. Jumped and beaten on my head with a metal baseball bat. My neighbors eventually ran outside and the man (it was dark and I saw a probably male silhouette but don’t know what he looked like other that). He didn’t rob me. I honestly wish he had because robbery and rape seem like the two most likely motivations, and I have really different feelings about those crimes, and I’m much more afraid of being raped.

I think it’s not the most likely that he was trying to kill me, but a metal baseball bat is an iconic blunt object to kill someone with, and the head is what you would aim for, and everyone knows that. So at best this person was trying to knock me out but was fine with it if he accidentally murdered me.

since the attack, I’ve had steadily worsening feelings of self-loathing. It’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to believe that I deserve to have been murdered. I’ve had a really hard time finding accounts of people who have been physically assaulted but not actually raped (even if it’s possible that was the intention), and it’s making me feel like there’s something wrong with me that I’ve been feeling this strongly even though I was just beaten up.

can anyone relate?
How brave you are, to share your feelings! I'm so sorry this happened to you. I remember shame associated with witnessing those I loved being hurt. I remember wishing it were me and then choosing someone who would in fact harm me as he did himself regularly.

I think walking through those feelings are important, and finding someone you can trust with those feelings, is paramount in your being able to process all your emotions attached to this event.
 
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