Just wondering if anyone else here has ever engaged in any form of self mutilation? For a long time, before my diagnosis of PTSD, I considered this my most prominent symptom of whatever it was that made me "different". I started compulsively picking my skin when I was 13. I found it comforting, and it allowed me to zone. I would get into a sort of trance where time just stood still. I could be doing it for 5 minutes or 45 minutes, and I couldn't tell the difference. There's a term for it....dermatillomania.
I started realizing there was a name for it, and began to research it. It seems most people who develop this compulsion have a background of sexual abuse.
My skin picking worsened with time. It reached it's worst point at the height of my abuse....during the four years I lived with my abuser. After one of his ritualistic sexual assaults, I'd go into the bathroom, lock the door, sit on the counter, and pick at my arms, legs, back, face, breasts....pretty much anywhere I could reach. I don't know how long I would do this for. I'd literally "snap out of it" after a while, not knowing how much time had passed. My skin all over my body would be riddled with freshly bleeding and erupted sores. I'd run my fingers along my skin, and anything that wasn't perfectly smooth would get excavated. Eventually my skin became covered with little white scars. I'd wear long sleeves in the summer, because if I wore short sleeves, it looked like I had a rash on my arms. I never exposed my back. Obviously, some parts of my skin where I'd picked would be exposed in warmer weather, and I always felt the shame of having done this to myself. I think it made me feel unattractive and ugly, and therefore, safer. It was also a way of taking control of my body, as odd as it sounds. I think it served multiple purposes.
I've continued doing this at some level from the time I was 13 until the present. I left my last marriage a year ago, and funny thing.....I've stopped the picking (almost entirely), and my skin has never looked better. I can actually wear my hair up and my face is clear with no red marks from picking. This is the first time in my life I've been totally alone....no boyfriend, no husband, no NOTHING. Not even dating, and I finally am able to stop picking my skin. I still do it a little, but it's so much better than it's been for say, the past 30 years. It's amazing my skin isn't just all scars. The body has amazing healing ability. In the winter I can still see that there are tiny white spots on my skin, especially my arms, but in the summer I can let my skin get a little tanned and it looks very good.
Now, I'm afraid if I ever get into a relationship again, that it'll start up again. I think it's related to the sexual anxiety. It's almost like if I make myself ugly enough, I'll be left alone.
I wanted to share this, because for so many years I thought I was the only person on earth who did this. It was a source of extreme shame for me. I learned about ten years ago that it had a name, and that there were others out there that did this. There's also trichotillomania, which is people who compulsively pull out their hair. I've never done this, but I understand it's driven by the same sort of dysfunction. I'm posting this because I want anyone on this forum who might be doing this to know it's a condition, and you aren't alone, and it's most commonly found among sexual abuse survivors. Just one more lovely "gift" our abusers bestowed upon us.
Most of my life I thought I'd never stop doing this, and I'm very grateful that the compulsion has almost all but gone away. What little bit of picking I do now is fairly benign. So, I guess what I'm saying is, there is hope even when you think it's hopeless. I should keep reminding myself of that, too. Lately I've been feeling like my ptsd is hopeless.
I started realizing there was a name for it, and began to research it. It seems most people who develop this compulsion have a background of sexual abuse.
My skin picking worsened with time. It reached it's worst point at the height of my abuse....during the four years I lived with my abuser. After one of his ritualistic sexual assaults, I'd go into the bathroom, lock the door, sit on the counter, and pick at my arms, legs, back, face, breasts....pretty much anywhere I could reach. I don't know how long I would do this for. I'd literally "snap out of it" after a while, not knowing how much time had passed. My skin all over my body would be riddled with freshly bleeding and erupted sores. I'd run my fingers along my skin, and anything that wasn't perfectly smooth would get excavated. Eventually my skin became covered with little white scars. I'd wear long sleeves in the summer, because if I wore short sleeves, it looked like I had a rash on my arms. I never exposed my back. Obviously, some parts of my skin where I'd picked would be exposed in warmer weather, and I always felt the shame of having done this to myself. I think it made me feel unattractive and ugly, and therefore, safer. It was also a way of taking control of my body, as odd as it sounds. I think it served multiple purposes.
I've continued doing this at some level from the time I was 13 until the present. I left my last marriage a year ago, and funny thing.....I've stopped the picking (almost entirely), and my skin has never looked better. I can actually wear my hair up and my face is clear with no red marks from picking. This is the first time in my life I've been totally alone....no boyfriend, no husband, no NOTHING. Not even dating, and I finally am able to stop picking my skin. I still do it a little, but it's so much better than it's been for say, the past 30 years. It's amazing my skin isn't just all scars. The body has amazing healing ability. In the winter I can still see that there are tiny white spots on my skin, especially my arms, but in the summer I can let my skin get a little tanned and it looks very good.
Now, I'm afraid if I ever get into a relationship again, that it'll start up again. I think it's related to the sexual anxiety. It's almost like if I make myself ugly enough, I'll be left alone.
I wanted to share this, because for so many years I thought I was the only person on earth who did this. It was a source of extreme shame for me. I learned about ten years ago that it had a name, and that there were others out there that did this. There's also trichotillomania, which is people who compulsively pull out their hair. I've never done this, but I understand it's driven by the same sort of dysfunction. I'm posting this because I want anyone on this forum who might be doing this to know it's a condition, and you aren't alone, and it's most commonly found among sexual abuse survivors. Just one more lovely "gift" our abusers bestowed upon us.
Most of my life I thought I'd never stop doing this, and I'm very grateful that the compulsion has almost all but gone away. What little bit of picking I do now is fairly benign. So, I guess what I'm saying is, there is hope even when you think it's hopeless. I should keep reminding myself of that, too. Lately I've been feeling like my ptsd is hopeless.