Self-sabotage: Heightened by Abusive/Unhealthy Relationship?

WonderWriter

Confident
Up until I suffered a second miscarriage, I was able to continue working at the job I loved and still had a good relationship with my husband; however, the circumstances after that event really messed me up.

When I found out I was pregnant a second time, I was elated hoping things would be okay this time around. Yet, knowing I had trouble with the first pregnancy, I contacted my doctor. I was told they didn’t need to see me, and there was nothing they could do. My gut told me otherwise, so I went to see my PCP. He referred me to a highly respected OB/GYN, and she immediately sent me for an ultrasound.

About a week later, I noticed some spotting. Mom said that was normal, so I tried not to worry. I didn’t notice any more spots before I went to work and felt a little better but something kept nagging me there was a problem. I took a bathroom break, and sure enough something was very wrong. This time I was bleeding.

One of my office co-workers was kind enough to take me to a nearby hospital and stayed with me until my mom got there. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound which confirmed what I already knew. The part I didn’t know was the tissue remained - meaning I had to wait for the process to “complete.”

Another week passed, and while I was making coffee, it happened. I called my doctor and she said to get to her office ASAP. I took her literally and left my back door open and my dogs outside. I called my mom and she met me there.

My doctor saw a pattern in both pregnancies lasting less than six weeks, so she removed the tissue to send it out to a lab. The only way I can describe it is feeling like someone was ripping out my insides. I laid on the exam table, Mom held my hand and placed her other hand on my forehead as tears streamed down my cheeks.

In the days that followed, I felt grief and an overwhelming sadness I’d never experienced before. I stayed in bed. I hated people, I hated myself, I hated life and everything in it. I thought I was having a nervous breakdown, and I was extremely suicidal.

I don’t remember any loving caresses or caring hugs from my husband. He withdrew. Yet, because I refused to get out of bed, he decided I needed “tough love,” and yelled at me to get my “lazy ass out of bed and do something.” My fight defense kicked into overdrive and told him, “leave me the f*** alone unless you can treat me like a civilized human being.” After that, I wanted to die. Mom forced me to see my doctor, and he prescribed Prozac which helped for awhile

When I went back to work, I felt numb. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and it became increasingly difficult for me to perform my duties. I decided maybe I needed a change of scenery, and got a new job working with the Dean of Students at a liberal arts college. I loved it, and I felt more like myself again.

When the Dean retired, the replacement the school hired made me feel uneasy. He was never mean or yelled at me, but I always felt uncomfortable around him. One of my closest allies there, the student affairs director quit because of him. The man the Dean hired was hostile and verbally abusive toward me. I got HR involved, but things only escalated.

I got another job working for an attorney, and he was an alcoholic. He and his partner constantly argued, and I began having panic attacks whenever I pulled into the parking lot. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I quit.

For days after, my husband constantly complained and reminded me that he was taking care of everything. I felt guilty and I hated myself. The fact that he was also rejecting me physically, I was back to feeling suicidal again.

After several jobs and a failed business, I felt like I was the one sabotaging everything but didn’t know why. I’m still trying to figure out if it stems from childhood, or if my damaged relationships contributed to it.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @WonderWriter, welcome to the site. I'm sorry for what you've been through. That all sounds terrible. I hope that you find some peace writing your story here. There are alot of supportive people on this site. Best wishes to you. 😊
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
There is a supporter sectiion here and we have several supporters. Welcome to Myptsd!

Sorry, I misplaced my post. That reply was to some other post but I hope you find some comfort here.
 
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mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I've had several miscarriages, that were traumatic, too, and I can relate to how difficult and heartbreaking that is. I'm truly sorry for your losses (and my own). Also on the un-empathetic and abuse that can be experienced from a partner or husband. That was really awfully handled, on his part.

I don't have any answers for you on the "self sabotage" note, at this point, just wanted to say, re those things we share in common ~ I know how you feel and I feel for you and I'm sorry all that happened to you. Truly, @WonderWriter🤗🤒😢
 

Friday

Moderator
After several jobs and a failed business, I felt like I was the one sabotaging everything but didn’t know why. I’m still trying to figure out if it stems from childhood, or if my damaged relationships contributed to it
Abusive relationships can twist the hell out of your thinking.

For example? What IF on coming home from the lost job your husband didn’t throw a tantrum about how he’s now responsible for everything & you’re blah blah blah ... but wrapped you up in his arms, said ‘Hey now, their loss. You’re brilliant, and capable, and will not only land on your feet but probably come away with an even better job. In the meantime, there’s still at least 1, if not 2 paychecks due to you... so while I’m sure I’m going to have to sit on you to take a day off? Why don’t you take the next couple days off, and get a feel for what direction you want to move it?”

Yeah. Wildly different life when someone is building you up & believes in you -vs- who needs self sabotage, when I live with my own personal saboteur!?! With friends like these? Who needs enemies?!?

Now, I’m not saying that there definitely isn’t some aspect of self sabotage involved, there may well be. But it’s also NORMAL to lose staff when management changes. And NORMAL to have standards that include leaving a job where you’re being mistreated. It’s also more normal than not for businesses to fail.

So I really would question how much self sabotage is playing a role, and how much (let’s sing the domestic violence chorus line, now, all together!!! And a 1, and a 2 and a) ...🎶 It’s all my fault 🎶... is playing a role.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
I've had several miscarriages, that were traumatic, too, and I can relate to how difficult and heartbreaking that is. I'm truly sorry for your losses (and my own). Also on the un-empathetic and abuse that can be experienced from a partner or husband. That was really awfully handled, on his part.

I don't have any answers for you on the "self sabotage" note, at this point, just wanted to say, re those things we share in common ~ I know how you feel and I feel for you and I'm sorry all that happened to you. Truly, @WonderWriter🤗🤒😢
Thank you. I’m sorry for your losses 😢 It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on the most evil souls.
 

silverwhale

New Here
hello,
I know how hard it is to have miscarriage. I also personally experience this as well as I gave birth to a premature child who died 9 days after birth. I was wondering why should I experienced all those issues. My conclusion was that life already gave me some signs upfront that I had to leave my husband. But I did not want (or was not able) to hear or see the signs and life brought my harder experiences to finally understand that something was going wrong in my marriage. I was married with a narcissistic perverse. As an example, after I gave birth to my premature child, I had to leave the hospital and he "forgot" about bringing me some clothes so I had to get outside in my PJ (the only one he brought me to the hospital). It took me another couple of years to get divorced from this Machiavellian person. Because as PTSD person I didn't claim protection for myself. I just let my husband at the time do and say whatever he wants. Because of the freeze mode, I did not react. Now I understand that I need to be treated right. But this will not come automatically, I have to claim for it, and defend my persona. This is part of the self fathering process.
 

WonderWriter

Confident
hello,
I know how hard it is to have miscarriage. I also personally experience this as well as I gave birth to a premature child who died 9 days after birth. I was wondering why should I experienced all those issues. My conclusion was that life already gave me some signs upfront that I had to leave my husband. But I did not want (or was not able) to hear or see the signs and life brought my harder experiences to finally understand that something was going wrong in my marriage. I was married with a narcissistic perverse. As an example, after I gave birth to my premature child, I had to leave the hospital and he "forgot" about bringing me some clothes so I had to get outside in my PJ (the only one he brought me to the hospital). It took me another couple of years to get divorced from this Machiavellian person. Because as PTSD person I didn't claim protection for myself. I just let my husband at the time do and say whatever he wants. Because of the freeze mode, I did not react. Now I understand that I need to be treated right. But this will not come automatically, I have to claim for it, and defend my persona. This is part of the self fathering process.
I’m so sorry for your loss and what you’ve endured. I hope you are able to gain some peace and happiness. 🤗 hugs
 
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