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Selfish? PTSD Plus Boyfriends Problems

Discussion in 'General' started by canucklady, Nov 22, 2006.

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  1. canucklady

    canucklady Active Member

    hurts to breathe sometimes, feeling very overwhelmed. my current bf knows about ptsd, he is very supportive. i have been triggered very easily lately and he is under lots of stress at work and his ex-wife is driving him nuts. i told him i need to take a break, i cant deal with ptsd and his divorce troubles as well. am i being selfish? i am feeling guilty now. i dont know what to do anymore. i need a break from this all.
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  3. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    I don't think it's selfish at all. With the complication of PTSD, you don't have enough energy to deal with his problems right now. I understand feeling guilty because I do that to myself all the time, but honestly I don't think you should. If your bf really cares about you he will realize you need the break.
  4. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    I understand as I have a pattern of believing, oh' I must be being selfish. Have made tremend. progress in this area and most times can remind myself, 'No, this is not selfishness, this is self-preservation. Self-Preservation is a very good thing to have. Often after yrs. of being misled, or guilt-tripped, manipulated or perhaps bred from our own lack of self-worth or guilt, we end up with the type of pattern I'm prone to now. It's only a pattern if we habitually use these thoughts in our reflection upon something....Am I being selfish, is this selfish, perhaps I should be doing this, he's right, she's right, I'm selfish ect. canucklady, you may not have this, I do however, so I've learned to the best of my ability to remind myself: Self-preservation, Self-preservation, ect. This helped me a lot to learn bc up until that I was given away my power and allowing others to manipulate or just simply choose for me.

    You decide canucklady. Is it selfishness or self-preservation. You said you don't know what to do anymore, and yet you told him you need to take a break. Do you really need that break after all? Who decides? Naturally, you may feel guilty, as he's your bf and you may want to please him. Feelings are not facts. And, what do you decide, when not everyone can be pleased? .......................................
    I just love having been told that often what I thought was my selfishness was all about self-preservation, bc until I learned this I gave the thumbs up to far to much.

    Canucklady, Glad you're posting, and goodnight.
    reallydown likes this.
  5. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    my therapist said something that helped me some with this, cl--"selfish and self-care are not the same." very true.
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    CL, it is not selfish to take care of oneself, not for a second. A relationship is a two way street, definately, and as part of a relationship you expect support from your partner with your PTSD, then he would do the same from you with his issues. Now whilst that exists in relationships, the difference here is that because of the syptoms that make up PTSD, it makes it very hard to provide that support to a partner when you don't even have it available, or bearly available, to give yourself first. Your partner has enough for himself and for you, you do not at present, and this is something that partners often struggle to understand with.

    Once we get through many of the initial aspects of our trauma, stablise and balance ourselves out, we then become more emotionally available to our partners also, which means we can give to our relationships. Currently, you cannot give what you do not have for yourself. Yourself first, others second. This is something that partners have to just learn to understand and cope with during the initial healing process. Partners cope with this constantly when a sufferer refuses to take control of their problems, and that is when relationships break down. If the sufferer is actively working upon healing though, then I see no issue personally with a partner having to accept that you simply cannot give what you don't have, however; you are working on it to soon enough be capable of supporting them also.

    There is a difference, and that must be known to both parties.
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