Sense Of Self

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
Impossible for my brain to hold all this information in one go to create any kind if comprehensive answer.

But I've some few memories from when I was very small, of being quite a friendly outgoing sort of person. I've been told stories that say I was like that too.

I've been feeling like that person again recently. It's nice 🙂
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I think for many like me who had some of that sense of self defined in part by our trauma, that is the sense of self we remember from our whole lifetime

In some cases that sense developed abnormally and there has never been a mature sense of self without the parts trauma defined. For me at least, defining what parts of self are from trauma and all that went after means figuring out what parts are missing before you can rebuild them.

I had this talk with my T in a way and compared it to being Psychotic....you do things to fit in but don't understand those behaviours.
 

Friday

Moderator
I wonder if “shattered” is wrapped around the concept of “nothing” for you?
No, not really. Although I think I get where you’re coming from.

To me?

Shattered is like a computer that been damaged by fire or a virus corrupting it’s code; leaving behind only meaningless snippets, and fragments of disconnected nonsense. The device itself no longer functions, but the clusterf*ck can still be read on a different system, and in some ways defragged/pieced back together.

Nothing & No One is like a factory reset. The framework is there to do anything. There’s neither history, nor personalisation, yet.
 

Defaultxlove

MyPTSD Pro
Love this...I've thought a lot about it...

I didn't know it was "sense of self" but I noticed the same night of the trauma, something was so different with me. I remember people were asking questions about what happened...and I thought how can they not feel what I feel ..something like that. I was wondering what was so noticeable to me but not to them.

My sense of self was heavily cracked, broken down and far away. (I see now).

Eventually was built back up, feeling strong.

Honestly feels like my neighbors psychologically tormented me. 😐 I was broken all the way down. I was still so fragile when it happened.
This -- ah. I talked to my therapist everyday of the week after the neighbors stunt of sending the police to my house. Still mad about it.

About a year later and I'm back to the fragile but strong place and I'm slowly building up from here!

It really surprised me when I was planning to kill myself and writing letters to my family. :/

Also surprises me how resilient humans are. ❤️
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Shattered is like a computer that been damaged by fire or a virus corrupting it’s code; leaving behind only meaningless snippets, and fragments of disconnected nonsense.
....and when trauma happens around puberty which is a big change in where we begin to define our "grown up" selves.

I think for me - some of that sense of self was replaced by shame and that feeling of disconnection that comes with trauma, and that vague feeling there is something wrong. Plus the social effects. I didn't express it well in my last post but that's where you are like a psychotic. You just never understand some social parts of self and because in my case, the physical results created problems in participation in sports and some activities. Then problems in school.....hard to do when your mind goes as blank ash the spaces for answers when they put a test in front of you....and that hurts because IQ - first numbers are 14.....its just like here sometimes - you cant get whats in your head to come out....

I don't think I have ever had a real true developed sense of self.....more like what I did and how well I did it defined self for a long time.
 

Givrali

MyPTSD Pro
I can describe me as a person but for me I just feeling I'm a confused mix of nothingness despair panic and will to help other. Being me is too painful so I retreat in others.
If I'm reading I'm not here so it's safe. If I write I'm a God creating a world, not me. If I'm being social I'm creating links between the person I talk to and something from me I'm projecting to them.
I'm not me because being me is too dangerous
 
I have a strong sense of what I believe or experience, always did even if I turn it off (it influences my choices without me acknowledging it, as @Defaultxlove mentioned), but:

I not only revert back to being “Nothing & No One”, but being Nothing & No One is the only way I can find any peace or clarity of purpose.
^^ I do feel like this.

I recall not being able to envision a future or imagine I would likely be alive in the farther future, so did not have the same hopes, plans or dreams as some. I followed what others expected of me. Failed or dropped out or avoided much.
Has your sense of self been affected/altered by your trauma history?
^^ I do recall feeling my childhood ended. Though really I'm not a child in an adult body but I was an adult in a child's body. Though even prior I would not have said it wasn't a happy childhood, the way I viewed it (can't remember most of it, just snippets).

Further traumas blew out much of what I believed in, and who and what I relied on or what I had made required goals and priorities. I did though come to new understandings sometimes and hope I still am. To some degree, probably a great one, I eventually redefined what matters most to me.

I think for many like me who had some of that sense of self defined in part by our trauma, that is the sense of self we remember from our whole lifetime

....and when trauma happens around puberty which is a big change in where we begin to define our "grown up" selve

^^ Same for me. I recall 2 symptoms, one being flashbacks, convincing me I surely must be crazy. At that age and no one to talk to honestly except for who I was forced to it really defined my sense of self as a) a murderer and b) must be nuts. It was even then a moral injury, as I expected of myself (i.e. to have reacted as an adult, for that and everything) what adults would not have. But then, in some ways I was more adult at 5 than people in there 20's and 30's. Fell apart after that though. Next definition of myself was maladaptive coping and a secret alternate life.
There’s neither history, nor personalisation, yet.
^^ Not sure if I understand correctly but post-it and self judgement played a big role in my self definition afterwards. Guilt for what I didn't do and shame for what I did, or what I chose and then what was done to me. Some traumas later wittled my self-worth down to nothing. (I do mean nothing, not an exaggeration.)

I think the ability to be honest about many things, support, understanding and a safe place to be who I am helped the most.

So TLDR I know who I am, but do not see/ have a purpose.

Very good question!
 
Last edited:
Top