• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sensitivity in the therapeutic relationship

Status
Not open for further replies.

Scarlet13

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, so I have a trauma focused T whom I love that I have seen for 2 and a half years.
She has really helped me with the anxious avoidance attachment issues that get stirred up when we talk about my mother.

We were talking about my mother this past week and there was all this construction noise outside. There were guys right outside her window. She kept getting distracted. She even leaned out the window to tell them to quiet down.

All this time, I felt some how stupid. I would answer a question about how my mother disregarded me and then she'd get distracted. This is not at all typical for her.

She said to me, "Imagine what it would feel like if your mother had loved you unconditionally."
I hate when she says stuff like this. I feel like shit then. Especially because she seems to give me unconditional love in a theraputic sense. But there are limits to this which I am ok with, I like the limits of therapy, I like her being and staying in the role of my doctor, and in this doctor role, the positive regard I can feel from her feels very healing.

My mother never really loved me and this sets my avoidance issues off big time. So like I will have thoughts about quitting therapy over little things.

Also, I hate to admit, but this is also causing me to be really sensitive over those "less than perfect" issues in therapy.

So, like my T getting distracted over construction workers.
Like when, after this session, I emailed my T regarding my attachment anxiety (she is ok with this if I keep it straight forward) and she texts me, "I got your email!" And then more texts stating again how she will be out of town at the end of March, but she never actually responds to my email with encouragement.

Again, she normally responds to a distressed email with one to two lines that are encouraging.

This time, all she says is that she got my email and then she reminds she will be out of town.

This also annoys me because she has already went over the dates she will be out of town. It like she does trust me not to go crazy in her absence or something.

She also keeps repeatedly spelling my name wrong in text because I think she is using voice to text. This has happened three times.

She is a good T. I do not expect her to be perfect.

I just get so overly sensitive about these issues in therapy because I tell her all my shitty experiences and I am attached to her.

I don't know if any body can relate to feeling sensitive like this.

I hate the attachment, but my T says the attachment is necessary to do good trauma work.
 
Yes! Everything gets magnified there!!! It’s incredibly normal for you to feel all those things. And I can’t help but notice the similarity between you feeling disregarded by you mother and talking about that when AT THE SAME TIME your t is seemingly disregarding you in real time by being distracted. Omg I would so feel the same way! The spelling your name wrong makes sense in text to voice. Would bother me as well. The “got the email” while nice and a confirmation that it was received would also bother me if what I was looking for was some encouragement. My t said something similar to in the way of “imagine what it would feel like to...” and it also f*cking annoyed me. I think they take a class on that kind of wording.

So, basically I’m saying, I get you! It’s all normal and sucky. What I would do is tell her all this. The name thing is annoying and she should be more careful. It’s perfectly ok to ask her to double check your name. Your name is who you are. She needs to get the spelling right. The distracted thing and feeling disregarded will make SUCH an awesome conversation! And will be really good to get your feelings out about it and assert yourself that she needs to stay “in the room” with you and not be distracted. But this seems like a one-off thing but I would still mention it because it’s bringing stuff up for you. For the email, what I would do is ask for what I needed. Like the first line or even in subject “please reply with a couple lines of encouragement”. Ask for what you need. It really is ok to. I’m sure you know this, I say it because it was so hard for me initially to and I’m so glad I can now.

Lots of love to you. Therapy is intense!
 
Yes! Everything gets magnified there!!! It’s incredibly normal for you to feel all those th...
Yes, the distraction due to the workers was once, but it left me disconcerted.
I am going to talk to her about my name. She can be a bit not on top of it outside of sessions, but really on top of it in sessions, I guess thats what matters right?

She always remembers what I have told her and is really, really perceptive.
I have a hard time with the idea that I might potentially loose that, so when I don't get her full attention or email response or my name spelled right it pokes at my fear that she does not really care about me.
Therapeutic love is weird. I get all of this validation and care from her that it makes me feel so terrefied.
When she said, "imagine a caring mother"
I felt so sick with sadness, that I kinda hated her and then that question made me ache and so I reached out to her with a "I need to know you are there" email and she only said, "Got your email!"
It also pisses me off that she then texts me when she will be out of town even though we already discussed it. I am reading too far into that I know. I just wish she would trust me. I am not going to kill myself while she is on the beach.
I would have preferred an encouraging, I am here email versus a "just so you know again that I will be gone."
My emailing her is an approved of thing so I dont know if she is still ok with it. I will need to talk to her about it.
 
I doubt she reminded you she will be gone because she doesn’t trust you. Seems like more something a t would do for everyone so they are aware and can plan accordingly. And it’s also likely she didn’t even read the email yet. I know mine once replied saying he got it and replied a couple days later when he could, I’m sure he didn’t read it til later.

I really understand the fear that your t only cares about you in session and that’s not true but it’s really, really good for them to leave work at work, you know? If you had a t that couldn’t balance that and was worried about you outside of session (thus not believing in your one strength) or thinking about you and how you are and what you’re doing now (omg that sounds kinda creepy) that would just be really unhealthy for her. I was really the same way with my last t and had major maternal transference and wanted her to adopt me lol. So of course I wanted her to think about me and I wanted to be her favorite. Those longings make so much sense because I didn’t have that love and support needed and it sounds like you didn’t, either. So it all makes a ton of sense. The therapy relationship can never give us what we missed out on but it can still touch us in a different way. With my new t I’ve started to compare his care to my own job. I walk dogs, they are my clients. I love my clients and take good care of them on walks. When I’m done for the day I don’t often think about them. Sometimes if a pup was injured or is older and sick I worry and will send the owner a message to check on them but overall they are out of my head til I see them again. I still care very much about them. And if dogs could email and my inbox was filled with “I can’t find my bone!” “I peed on the carpet and my mom is mad at me!” etc. I wouldn’t be able to get to them all asap. Obviously a very silly example but it’s what I use when I think about emailing my t, haha.
 
Yes that helps. I am a teacher and I cannot care about my students outside of work.
I am getting a lot better with my maternal transference, but the anxiety has come up again.

How was your mother? Did it feel like she never really saw you?
That is the problem.
My T sees me. And it fills me with an aching need.
 
My mother was a bipolar, alcoholic mess who saw me when she needed to cry on me and have me tell her how amazing she was only to not believe me and when I would tell her how much I loved her (cause she often told me she was gonna kill herself) that she didn’t believe that, either. I existed to make HER feel better and clean up her puke and make her meals and do the shopping and cheer her up. And I had to cheer her up or she’d get upset. I couldn’t be upset or bring down her mood. So I was on performance with her and she was volatile and I had to be so hyper focused on her moods and notice when they were changing to keep her as much as I could from going to that hateful place.

My last t cared but I only thought she hated me because of the history with my mom. My current t cares and I FEEL that. He says stuff sometimes that’s really sincere and I tell him to stop and I look away. I can’t handle that yet.
 
Yes, I kinda feel like my T is like your two T's combined.
I used to think she hated me and would reject me, but thats better now.
Accept for now, I am feeling the insecurity again.
I had been in a good place with her because she is just so steady.
I cannot handle her caring either.
She will have a glowy look in her eyes and she understands me so well.
This all feels so hard for me, like I just want to run.
My mother was really narcissistic and blamed me for everything including getting myself molested by a neighbor and my fathers alcoholism. I was just so bad, so hard, so stupid ect that I caused things in the universe to happen.
I was never loved unconditionally and I always had to work so hard just for a modicum of temporary approval.

This all just makes therapy such a bitch!
 
Yes, I kinda feel like my T is like your two T's combined.
I used to think she hated me and would rej...
I’m so very sorry for how you had to live! It’s not fair, it’s not ok, and I’m glad you have your t to show you that you are worthy. I have no clue how to be accepting towards someone’s caring. My current t too gets that weird look in his eyes! Like a gooey affection that’s so sincere. I heard it in his voice a couple times and saw it in his eyes once and had to look away. To be honest, it grossed me out. An extreme feeling out of fear, I think. I also want to push him away. Like I think I want to. I catch myself right before I’ll say something or I’ll make jokes how I am just there for the tea or how I don’t care what he thinks of me like I did my last t. I notice I kind of knock him down, if only in my head.
 
Now I would go through this with no problem but she would respond more appropriately. I think it's been over 3 years. She knows me well enough now I don't think that would happen but if it did she'd apologize or we would have avoided it somehow. A lot of stuff like that happened the first couple years and I'd email her furiously and go in there all wound up the next week. I'd chew her out lol. IDK how she got through that. If I were you I'd copy that first post into an email and send it. Then I'd print it and walk in with it next session and a copy for her so she could "keep up." That probably sounds harsh but I actually did it. I don't expect you to and it's not advice but that was me. Now I know she really does get it and I know anything like that is inadvertent on her part and I try and let go of it. She earned that much from me. I hate that you have to fight for stuff like this but I guess if she didn't push back at all I would not have the relationship with her I do. I wouldn't like it if it were entirely clinical. I like that there is a real live flesh and blood person there. Even though people are just so difficult. Let her know in your way though I feel strongly about that.
 
Now I would go through this with no problem but she would respond more appropriately. I think it's bee...
Omg I did this, too. Like I wrote out topics and freaked out and handed them to him and I had forgotten a few complaints I had about him, with lots of swearing, was on the sheet lol! Like I wrote it for me, like notes to self to read but felt so much anxiety. I think he felt bad, he apologized and said thanks for being so forgiving of me. Crap. I didn’t mean for him to read that with my attitude on it. But at least it’s all said now.
 
Now I would go through this with no problem but she would respond more appropriately. I think it's bee...
No, if I did this I would get email privledges revoked.
I am going to have to find a way to talk to her about these issues, but it is hard because I hate doing that. I get very black and white thinking and I tell myself, if you complain well then she will be offended and not want to be your therapist.
 
No, if I did this I would get email privledges revoked.
I am going to have to find a way to talk to...
I totally think and feel that way, too. But you can think that way and STILL do try something new. You can believe your old thoughts and still entertain the idea you’re wrong. And I think the only way to get out of that pattern is to challenge it in these really uncomfortable ways. And see that the relationship survives.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top