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Separation... Threat of Divorce!

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by dazednconfused, Nov 6, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    Is there anyone else out there, that their husband separated from them and threatened divorce when they were diagnosed with PTSD?

    My husband is isolating himself from everybody in the family and goes to "hotel/motel" on the weekend just because he says he cannot deal with the stress of being around people.

    He tells me I will have to "make do" with what money he gives me which is not very much since he left and then he can just go around staying in a motel and driving out of state for no reason. I just do not understand his thinking and really don't understand the diagnosis that was made.

    Could emotional/verbal abuse as a child send someone into this state over 23 years later? I just do not understand this. The only thing I can think of that would have been trauma for him was that he received spankings and they called him "stupid" or something. That is his Dad's pet word or something. I don't agree with that, but why is it that all of a sudden he has decided he needs to be away from everyone in his life and just "be alone" to think. Looks like he would know after almost two months whether he wanted a family or not. It is like he has this whole new world that his child and I cannot be a part of.

    I am so frustrated. He even changed his phone number and I cannot even call him. Even if his child needs something. Now this is just not normal behavior in my book and his family are just in denial or something and don't even talk to him about anything, but the weather.

    I want some answers. I want to know why he left me and my child and I want a better answer than he is giving me. First he said he just needed his space and then the next time it was brought up to him by me, he said he is just not "in-love" with me anymore.

    I just don't get it and may never understand it. It just makes no sense.

    I mean, I am supposed to just sit here and take care of our child with hardly any help from him. He is supposed to have "NO" responsibility whatsoever and go around acting like a 4-year-old. That just does not seem fair and I would like some advice on what to do or say to him to get him to understand things from my point of view.

    He will not even communicate with me nor anyone in the family. He actually tried to commit suicide when he was younger, so when he is gone off on the weekends, I really worry about this as he is on Lexapro and I know from the other posts, that some of the people have severe suicidal ideations while on the drug.

    Does giving a person with PTSD "space" help them to get through this, or do they actually need the love and support of the family? I love him dearly and want to help him through this, but he seems to just want to walk around in a 'fog" and have no responsibilities at all.

    Any advice would be appreciated. :crybaby:
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  3. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

    First of all, :kiss: (((((hugs))))))

    I can certainly tell by your post that you are hurting. I'm sorry he has pushed you away. I feel for him to because I understand why he's doing this. Even still, I don't know how to explain it. The world as he knows it is no longer. The foundation has slipped underneath him. I do wish that since you are offering help, that he should take it. That would take admitting something is wrong. This is a huge step. I think all of us PTSD'ers remember when it finally hit us that we were sick and that we couldn't fight it alone. We needed help. This is more stressful than I can explain. Being stripped of your confidence, self esteem, self worth, identity, and stability is a very painful ordeal.

    If you want to help him through this ordeal (please consider this carefully because it is a very long, painful process. He is giving you an out.) you're going to have to help him under his terms. Right now, it sounds that he can't take much pressure, stimulation, etc. I would sit down and talk with him calmly and ask him what he needs from you. At the same time, you need to tell him what you expect of him. I would suggest that the only thing you ask of him is to get better. Support him any way you can that will help in his healing journey. This is a huge burden to carry. I asked my husband why he would carry such a burden and he said it's because I needed him, and that he wanted to help, no matter the cost. The poor guy got cussed at, pushed around, abused, ignored, you name it. He weathered it all and I love him for it.

    Keep venting, keep writing things down. I hope for the very best outcome in this.
  4. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this....
    and i hate that i have to ask you this but is he really not in love with you anymore? thats is the worst thing that can happen when you are in love with someone who doesnt feel the same anymore....you said he has told you this?? how did you take it? nobody should say things like that not even out of anger if they dont mean it... makes me sad, because sweetie, what can you do if he does not have feelings for you anymore?! i feel so horrible.... I feel my husband will reach that point soon also
    :( we have been doing really bad....we just had another horrible weekend. He too needs his space, and i am not allowed to ask him anything, i cant ask him for help around the house without him snaping and now he even gets so angry that he turns violent and throws things around (he has never hurt me though)...
    What your husband does is not right. He is a father and he has a wife, he should not be going away every weekend to hotels/motels... and even worse he has changed his phone number???? that doesnt sound right....seems that there is more to this....

    I see your frustration....I know what its like to live with someone who tries to avoid all responsiblity (on my hubbys defense though, not because he choses too but because he is going through so much with his career at the monent and i am not much help because i am so stressed also, but it seems like they need a break from life in general) its so hard....

    I am thinking "space" helps.... but i feel your husband wants more than that now because he is secluding himself from his entire family.... You should think about taking care of you and your child at the moment since he is going through something that you cannot help....hopefully he will come around? and realize that there are people who love him and want him to get well... please talk to me if you need someone, i hate situations like this.... a family torn apart :( i am here for you.
  5. JoannaG

    JoannaG Active Member

    I have been suffering this too and you can only go so long. Love is a fickle thing. my hubs runs to our motorhome. Ha talked with his lawyer and I am under constant attack emotionally at this moment from him and his friends.
    You in your heart know what is right. And Finding this place is a good start.
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    I would say, give him the space, butgive him the information that he knows the door is open when he is ready to return. Don't say things to him that will stick, ie. if you don't makeup your mind, its over; hurtful things that occur in arguments, etc. From an entire conversation, he will take just the hurtful part out that he wants to here and run with that.
  7. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Thanks for all your comments. I am giving him his space and telling him that I love him and I will be here no matter what. I try to send him little cards and different things to boost his spirits and I make sure that he is able to talk to our little boy whenever he is able to.

    He just looks so depressed though. He is seeing a physician, but he just seems not to be getting better. He is not the type to alienate himself from people. It is just like he cannot stand anybody or anything for very long at a time.

    I know he says he does not love me anymore, but I do not believe that for a minute. We have been married 17 years and were so close. I think he is afraid that he will be just like his parents and could see that our relationship was having problems because he would get so angry.

    He told my little boy when he got onto him "Do you want to get like me and not be able to be around anybody?" I think he is trying to protect us from all this, but I love him so much and want to do anything I can to help him. They put him on Lexapro, but he seems to be getting more and more depressed and just wanting to be away from people in general. He goes to work and to school, but he looks so tired and anxious and stressed out.

    I have tried to talk to the physician, but my husband did not sign a release and so they cannot talk to me. It is so hard to watch him like this and the family blames me I think because I had us go to counselling and the counsellor had him put on the Lexapro. Things just started going downhill after that.

    They said he had OCD and then he was diagnosed with the PTSD by the psychologist. We were going to the counsellor, because my husband had spanked my child too hard and left bruises and I knew he needed help. He knew he needed help too and agreed to whatever it took to save our marriage.

    I think it really shook him up when he realized what he had done to our child and he just kept saying that he did not want to be a "monster" like his father was to him. Of course the family says all this did not happen and it is "all in his head", but something had to have happened to him as a child for him to have all this anger and resentment.

    I just want things to get better. I took our child by to see him at work tonight and I just stayed in the car. I wanted to just run out there and hug him and tell him it would be okay. I am so afraid that he will get so depressed he will try to commit suicide or something. He had been suicidal in his teenage years.

    I just don't know what else to do.....
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    You had posted before that he just had spankings, and now verbal abuse... Does someone just snap? It seems like that sometimes. You also seem to doubt his diagnosis which cannot be helpful at all making the suffer feel like you thinking it is BS which will make them further withdrawn.

    I had to have my husband get the kids away and tell my husband to get away from me period. I did not want to lash out and hurt someone.

    It may be best for your child's safety and as odd as it may seem to somone without PTSD to understand is space is a form of support; if you keep pushing and trying to pull him closer you will be doing just the opposite. It takes a very big man to do this and understand this to prevent this...[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread123.html[/DLMURL]

    Please go read the information sections that have been put in place to help you understand. This board has a wealth of information in that section. There may be more going on or that has gone on than you know. We don't exactly spill our guts about it all until we have a private doctor who pulls it out while we feel we have hit the bottom.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  9. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Thanks for that last comment. I have read a lot of the threads about the disease, but did not realize how much had happened to my husband and you are right, I did not support him or believe him like I should have I guess, because I was abused as a child myself and have trouble with that myself. I guess to someone who lived in an alcoholic home and watched her father slap her mother around and say he was going to kill her and having to hide behind the church so that he would not find us, etc, him getting a spanking every now and then and being called stupid did not seem that bad.

    I can remember times where I was so scared to walk across the floor to use the bathroom, because I would get cussed out. I was told I was a "whore" and that my then boyfriend were sleeping together and I was a "slut" and things like that. Little did he know or my mother for that matter, my boyfriend now husband waited until marriage before we ever even had sex.

    I guess I have repressed memories myself and this mess has brought all that stuff out in me and I am having trouble coping with this and with my childhood. I have an appointment to see the psychologist myself, so hopefully if my husband and I both get our "skeletons" out of the closet so to speak it will help both of us.

    I thought I had faced all of this a long time ago, but it is just so hard to deal with.

    I am giving him his space. I do still write to him to let him know how much I care and I guess I need to let him know that I do believe him. His mother has admitted to me that he did get his nose hit and it bled when he was little and was called stupid and that he did get spankings multiple times. He and his father do not have a good relationship at all. That is why I don't understand him wanting to live with them. Maybe he feels that is his only option though, I really don't know. I wish we could afford for him to have his own place, but right now, it is all we can do to manage this way.

    This helps me so much. I am sure they will diagnose me with adult child of alcoholic syndrome or PTSD or something like that when I go to the psycologist. I have been to group therapy with my daddy before, but it really never helped him and they had to make him tell me he loved me in the sessions.

    I have went to alateen or something like that when I was younger, but not for long at a time, as my mother did not drive. It was a horrible experience growing up and one that I don't even want to think about, let alone deal with.

    Thanks again for your comments. I think things are making a lot more sense to me now.
  10. OneDayAtATime

    OneDayAtATime Member

    He also may be having a mid life crisis

    Dazed, I'm so sorry you are facing so many things at once. There is a real possibility that your husband may also be having a mid life crisis. My Ex-Husband went through a very similar thing. He also suffered from PTSD due to childhood traumas. They remained mostly dormant until his Mother died. She was not a loving person and my husband was not sad when she passed. However, he started having a lot of emotional problems after this and even started to feel like he could become violent. He left me and our kids out of the blue and left us to struggle through alone. It has been almost 2 years since then. We have divorced and my kids are still trying to heal from his abandonment. I am doing okay ... mostly because I got some counseling and because I found a similar forum to this one that deals with marriages in crisis when one spouse is having a mid life crisis. It is www.fortysixty.org Check it out and see if you can get some perspective there. You will be among understanding friends just like this forum.

  11. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    Thanks for the help you all. I have been to the mid life crisis forum also. I don't really know what is going on, but it seems like I am not the only one that this is happening to and I am sure I will not be the last. It just hurts so bad right now to have all of the blame placed on me.

    So far my husband has not filed for divorce, but it will probably come. Really though he should not bother, because he does not have to pay any certain amount this way and unless he wants to remarry, I don't even see why he would get a divorce.

    I am hoping and praying that he will come to his senses, but regardless I have the Good Lord with me and all of my friends and family supporting me, so I will make it through. This life is a vapor and we have a home in Heaven waiting for us. That is what I am looking to, because I believe the end of time is nearer than we think.

    Thanks again to all of you.
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