Other Severe lack of trust in medicine and healthcare "professionals"


I'm really struggling right now with something that has been an issue for a very long time.

As background, I have a degree in nursing (worked psych for several years, then got out of the profession). My father was a physician's assistant. My brother has worked for 25 years in physical therapy in a hospital.

I have had multiple, decades-long issues with healthcare. I've been misdiagnosed, not diagnosed at all, refused care I needed, been given the wrong medicine (as in, x was ordered and I got y instead or the wrong med was refilled and the dosage completely changed in error), have been tested unnecessarily, NOT told I had stage 3 kidney disease - shown in labwork - and then told by another doctor the lab results meant nothing, been medicated nearly 40 years for epilepsy, only to be told by the last neuro I saw that he thought it was all in my imagination, suffered long-lasting effects from meds (and was never told about those side effects to begin with), and so much more.

A year or so ago, I came to the conclusion that most are in it for the money and don't care at all about a patient's health. I also came to understand that most only follow their (inadequate) training and are incapable of stepping outside the box to help with the things that aren't completely covered in their books.

My last doctor said I likely had fibro and that I should "just push through" the pain. I've had low back pain for years and was told I had a lot of spinal issues - until my last MRI was read by a radiologist from my last job and he said my back looked really good for someone my age. My massage therapist seems to think that most of my pain is coming from tissues and fascia. I can't tolerate even light massage.

So...I have diabetes. When I was taking my readings regularly, they were ok until mid-last year when it was pretty high. I last went to the doctor in September, and told them about the blood sugar and, when I couldn't afford bloodwork, they shrugged (literally) and told me to come back when I had insurance. I still don't have insurance and the doctor has since moved out of state, so I also don't have a doctor anymore.

Honestly? It's been pretty stress-free in terms of my health. I don't check my sugars and I don't see a doctor. I did have my eyes checked a few months ago, and there was no sign there were any problems.

I did get new glasses and my vision is super-blurry close-up unless I hold the glasses up and look through the bottom (they are progressives). I went back to the eye doctor (a different one, though) a week ago and they adjusted them. Still having the issue. I saw her again today and she rechecked my eyes, saying the prescription was wrong.

She is going to have them fixed, but asked me to take my blood sugar because it can affect the results. I did. It was high. And here I am.

Anything medical/healthcare-related seriously triggers me. I get extremely anxious, very depressed, want to die.

A related issue is that I have huge issues with emotional eating. I don't know how to get past any of this so that I can be healthier. I know the glucose levels can be managed (because I've done it before, albeit briefly), but it never lasts because I am so depressed all the time.